Living With Evil Cynthia Owen (inspirational books for women TXT) 📖

a visit not long afterwards. I always loved her visits, because she was kind to me and brought me new socks and pencils.

One afternoon, she walked down to the harbour with me and we sat on the beach and chatted like in the old days. I didn’t hold her hand any more. I think I was too big for that.

Something Mammy said had stuck in my head. Just before Esther came back for her previous visit, Mammy had lost her temper one day and told me, ‘Esther thinks you’re a little bitch! She looks down her nose at us all now she’s moved away. She couldn’t wait to get away!’

‘Mammy, that’s not true!’ I cried. I knew it was a lie, but Mammy was adamant. ‘Don’t tell Esther anything about what goes on in this house. I’ll kill you if you do! She’ll look down her nose even more at us if you tell her things. Keep your mouth shut.’

Mammy told me lots of things that weren’t true. She was always telling me not to tell, or to shut up and say nothing. She got me to lie to the priest about why we didn’t go to church, and she was forever getting me to lie to the nuns at school about why Martin went to school with me in his buggy, or why I hadn’t done my homework or brought in the correct equipment.

I was sure this was another lie. I really wanted to talk to Esther and tell her a few things about Mammy, but I felt afraid. What would Mammy do if she found out I had disobeyed her?

I looked out to sea and shuffled uncomfortably on the sand. I watched the waves for ages, letting all my thoughts wash over me. I thought about Mammy threatening to beat me if I told Esther what went on in our house. In the end, I wasn’t brave enough to say anything.

Chapter 10

The Relatives

Another one of Mammy’s secrets was Uncle Frank. He was married to Mammy’s older sister, Aunt Mag, but Daddy hated him. ‘That man is not to come near this house!’ I had heard him yell one night. ‘D’you hear me? He is never to step foot in this house, ever!’

Daddy was furious. He and Mammy had a terrible fight, and I heard Mammy smash something on the floor. It sounded like Daddy whacked her with his fist, and they both screamed and shouted for ages. ‘You know what that girl accused him of! I don’t want anyone knockin’ on my door! Why would we have a man like that in our house? What would the cops think? Answer me that, you stupid cow!’ I tried to make sense of it, but I couldn’t. What did Daddy mean? I cried into my pillow, hoping the shouting would stop, and wondering what Daddy would do when he came upstairs.

That night seemed to go on for ever. By now, I had stopped struggling with Daddy when he got in bed, because struggling made him angrier, and he usually hurt me more when he was fuming with rage. I didn’t want him to tie me up with the belt, so I lay there rigid with fear, ready to give in and let him do what he wanted to do, just to get it over with as quickly as possible.

When he reached out to grab me, I had to bite my own hand to stifle my sobs. I didn’t want to wake the little ones, and I was scared what Mammy might do if I made a row. The pain felt worse than ever, though I didn’t know how that was possible. This time it felt like it went on and on, for an hour or more. I thought I would die of exhaustion and agony, and I cried with relief when, at last, Daddy pushed me away from him like a soiled rag.

Uncle Frank came round the next day. When I saw his fat face appear round the living-room door, my heart sank like a stone. Mammy had invited him round while Daddy was out, and I was terrified of what would happen if he found out.

‘Go and sit on Uncle Frank’s lap!’ Mammy ordered me. I looked at him and winced. He was a baker, and had made me a cake for my birthday once, the only birthday cake I’d ever had. I didn’t want to be rude, so I sat on his lap.

I noticed dribble running down his chin, and it reminded me of how Daddy’s ‘friend’ had licked his lips when I sang ‘Scarlet Ribbons’. Something bad was going to happen. I just knew it. ‘Give your Uncle Frank a kiss,’ Mammy shouted across at me. ‘No,’ I said, shaking my head, feeling shy and awkward. I hated being on his flabby lap. It made me feel sick. ‘I’ll give you ten shillings!’ Uncle Frank grinned.

‘Go on, Cynthia!’ Mammy urged. ‘Ten whole shillings! What’s the matter with you? Give your Uncle Frank a nice big kiss now.’ I wanted to get off his lap, so I went to give him a quick peck, but Uncle Frank’s face suddenly seemed to close in.

His sweaty cheeks rubbed against mine, the saliva on his chin was rubbing on my chin, and his wet lips were pushing on to my mouth. I squirmed and tried to gasp for breath, but as I opened my lips Uncle Frank put his tongue inside my mouth. I was shocked by how big and fat and slimy it felt. It was disgusting, and I ran away as soon as his grip on me softened.

I complained to Mammy bitterly afterwards. ‘Shut up complainin’, Cynthia,’ she said. ‘You’re such an ungrateful bitch. Just do it without moaning next time, and take his money.’

Around this time, I was getting into pop music. My older sisters liked it too, so I didn’t have much choice but to listen to what they played. I loved dancing to jive and anything