A Damsel in Distress P. G. Wodehouse (sad books to read txt) 📖

“That’s all, then.”

“Thank you, your lordship.”

Lord Belpher was satisfied. He was also relieved. He felt that prudence and a steady head had kept him from making himself ridiculous. When George presently returned with the lifesaving fluid, he thanked him and turned his thoughts to other things.

But, if the young master was satisfied, Keggs was not. Upon Keggs a bright light had shone. There were few men, he flattered himself, who could more readily put two and two together and bring the sum to a correct answer. Keggs knew of the strange American gentleman who had taken up his abode at the cottage down by Platt’s farm. His looks, his habits, and his motives for coming there had formed food for discussion throughout one meal in the servant’s hall; a stranger whose abstention from brush and palette showed him to be no artist being an object of interest. And while the solution put forward by a romantic lady’s-maid, a great reader of novelettes, that the young man had come there to cure himself of some unhappy passion by communing with nature, had been scoffed at by the company, Keggs had not been so sure that there might not be something in it. Later events had deepened his suspicion, which now, after this interview with Lord Belpher, had become certainty.

The extreme fishiness of Albert’s sudden production of a cousin from America was so manifest that only his preoccupation at the moment when he met the young man could have prevented him seeing it before. His knowledge of Albert told him that, if one so versed as that youth in the art of Swank had really possessed a cousin in America, he would long ago have been boring the servants’ hall with fictions about the man’s wealth and importance. For Albert not to lie about a thing, practically proved that thing nonexistent. Such was the simple creed of Keggs.

He accosted a passing fellow-servitor.

“Seen young blighted Albert anywhere, Freddy?”

It was in this shameful manner that that mastermind was habitually referred to below stairs.

“Seen ’im going into the scullery not ’arf a minute ago,” replied Freddy.

“Thanks.”

“So long,” said Freddy.

“Be good!” returned Keggs, whose mode of speech among those of his own world differed substantially from that which he considered it became him to employ when conversing with the titled.

The fall of great men is but too often due to the failure of their miserable bodies to give the necessary support to their great brains. There are some, for example, who say that Napoleon would have won the battle of Waterloo if he had not had dyspepsia. Not otherwise was it with Albert on that present occasion. The arrival of Keggs found him at a disadvantage. He had been imprudent enough, on leaving George, to endeavour to smoke a cigar, purloined from the box which stood hospitably open on a table in the hall. But for this, who knows with what cunning counterattacks he might have foiled the butler’s onslaught? As it was, the battle was a walkover for the enemy.

“I’ve been looking for you, young blighted Albert!” said Keggs coldly.

Albert turned a green but defiant face to the foe.

“Go and boil yer ’ead!” he advised.

“Never mind about my ’ead. If I was to do my duty to you, I’d give you a clip side of your ’ead, that’s what I’d do.”

“And then bury it in the woods,” added Albert, wincing as the consequences of his rash act swept through his small form like some nauseous tidal wave. He shut his eyes. It upset him to see Keggs shimmering like that. A shimmering butler is an awful sight.

Keggs laughed a hard laugh. “You and your cousins from America!”

“What about my cousins from America?”

“Yes, what about them? That’s just what Lord Belpher and me have been asking ourselves.”

“I don’t know wot you’re talking about.”

“You soon will, young blighted Albert! Who sneaked that American fellow into the ’ouse to meet Lady Maud?”

“I never!”

“Think I didn’t see through your little game? Why, I knew from the first.”

“Yes, you did! Then why did you let him into the place?”

Keggs snorted triumphantly. “There! You admit it! It was that feller!”

Too late Albert saw his false move⁠—a move which in a normal state of health, he would have scorned to make. Just as Napoleon, minus a stomachache, would have scorned the blunder that sent his Cuirassiers plunging to destruction in the sunken road.

“I don’t know what you’re torkin’ about,” he said weakly.

“Well,” said Keggs, “I haven’t time to stand ’ere chatting with you. I must be going back to ’is lordship, to tell ’im of the ’orrid trick you played on him.”

A second spasm shook Albert to the core of his being. The double assault was too much for him. Betrayed by the body, the spirit yielded.

“You wouldn’t do that, Mr. Keggs!”

There was a white flag in every syllable.

“I would if I did my duty.”

“But you don’t care about that,” urged Albert ingratiatingly.

“I’ll have to think it over,” mused Keggs. “I don’t want to be ’ard on a young boy.” He struggled silently with himself. “Ruinin’ ’is prospecks!”

An inspiration seemed to come to him.

“All right, young blighted Albert,” he said briskly. “I’ll go against my better nature this once and chance it. And now, young feller me lad, you just ’and over that ticket of yours! You know what I’m alloodin’ to! That ticket you ’ad at the sweep, the one with ‘Mr. X’ on it.”

Albert’s indomitable spirit triumphed for a moment over his stricken body.

“That’s likely, ain’t it!”

Keggs sighed⁠—the sigh of a good man who has done his best to help a fellow-being and has been baffled by the other’s perversity.

“Just as you please,” he said sorrowfully. “But I did ’ope I shouldn’t ’ave to go to ’is lordship and tell ’im ’ow you’ve deceived him.”

Albert capitulated. “ ’Ere yer are!” A piece of paper changed hands. “It’s men like you wot lead to ’arf the crime in the country!”

“Much obliged, me lad.”

“You’d walk a mile in the snow, you would,” continued