Songs For Your Mother Gordon MacMillan (good books for 7th graders .txt) 📖

am thinking about me, and Luke. Maybe I’m reading too much into this. I don’t remember kids’ movies being this deep.

‘Can we get it?’ Luke asks.

Luke clearly sees me dithering and failing to make a speedy decision. I do not know the answer. So, I do what I normally do in these situations and I ask Susan.

‘What do you think?’

Susan shakes her head, ‘I’ve no idea. That shark does have a lot of teeth, but then it wouldn’t be much of a shark otherwise,’ Susan says.

‘Fair point, it’s the mother, though. She gets eaten. Is it me or is that too close to home?’

‘Oh, I see what you mean. It’s like you’re living the Nemo story. If only you were a fish, you would have this sorted. Disney does like its big symbolic female death scenes. Walt has a lot to answer for,’ Susan says.

The blonde woman standing next to us looks over and places her hand on the head of her little boy.

‘It isn’t like Bambi. You loved Nemo, didn’t you? We’ve seen it about… I don’t know how many times. He’ll be okay. Good luck,’ she says and heads off with her child firmly in tow.

‘Thanks,’ I say. ‘You’re sure you want this one?’

‘Marlin needs to find Nemo,’ Luke says.

‘So, you want all three?’ I ask.

‘I need them,’ Luke says.

‘You heard it here first,’ Susan says.

‘I remember needing stuff as a kid as well,’ I say.

‘I’m sure you did, and I can imagine how that worked out for you. Now you have a debit card of your own. Your chance to buy all kinds of stuff has now been extended to a much wider range of fun goods. You’re a lucky boy. Come on, Luke,’ Susan says.

Susan helps Luke to his feet and picks up the other DVDs and puts them back on the rack.

‘Okay, three DVDs it is then,’ I say.

‘Are you my daddy?’ Luke asks, and he catches me by complete surprise. It is the same question from earlier, and I look at Luke for a moment or two as I try to work out what to say. It is more than that. I’m struggling with acceptance. I am looking again at Luke and I kneel down so that we are on the same level. Each time I look at him now, I am seeing more of myself in him. I am starting to see what Rachel did earlier.

Even with that knowledge, I am still having trouble taking the final step, and answering Luke’s question. I know when Luke asked me earlier, I dodged it like a politician sidestepping a difficult question, and now I am being asked again. I’m being pressed for an answer – by a five-year-old. This time I know that I have to answer. I don’t know what to say exactly, as none of the language feels right.

I realise, however, why that is: the language is new and unfamiliar, as are the feelings that come with it. I know Luke and I don’t have a connection yet, but I have to make one and this is my chance. This is where I start. This is where my path diverges. Right here and now. The silence between us stretches as a cacophony of supermarket sounds clatter around us and Luke looks at me expectantly. I’m no longer sure what I am waiting for. I take a deep breath and I answer the question.

‘I am your daddy, Luke, and I’m really happy that I can say that. Is that okay?’ I ask.

Luke nods and doesn’t say anything for a moment, and then he flings his arms around me. He hugs me, and I wrap my arms around him and we are lost in the moment, and I find I am experiencing the strangest thing. I feel happy.

Chapter 12

Back at the flat, Susan and Luke are sitting on the couch watching Finding Nemo. I sort out some of Luke’s things in the spare room. I look at the single bed, which inadvertently appears perfectly sized for a five-year-old. It’s almost as if I were expecting him.

I hang his trousers in the empty wardrobe and fold away some of his clothes, pile the books on top of the chest of drawers along with some of his toys, which Lauren has also packed. I think about Lauren doing this, and it’s like she is standing in the room with me. I can imagine her doing what I’m doing now as she must have done many times. All around me I sense the flow of that connection with her stretching back over the years and all of those miles between London and California. I wonder again about what it would have been like. What the two of us would have been like doing this together? What kind of parents would we have been?

For my part, I spent so little time with my father that I don’t feel I have that link to guide me. From the outset, from this moment forward, I know that I have to be better than that. To be close and not distant, and more than anything to show that I care and that Luke knows this.

With Luke’s clothes put away, it’s time to do what I should have done earlier. I pick up the envelope from Lauren with the letter, a few other papers and the sheaf of notes she’s written for me. I haven’t done anything more than glance at any of this yet. It is only when I start to leaf through that I see how much she has sent. It’s exactly what Lauren described, a survival guide for my life with Luke. There are pages written on a variety of subjects with titles like ‘On Friendship’, ‘Dating’, ‘Sleep’, ‘Clothes’, ‘Playing Sport’, and ‘Food and Drinks’. Lauren has poured everything she could think of about her life with Luke and put it to paper and shared it with me. I sit down on the bed and rest against the wall,