Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody Fanny Merkin (the giving tree read aloud TXT) 📖

sun, the fact that Jin and Kathleen finally found true love (with each other), and then, six months later, their breakup after Jin caught her making sandwiches with the Winklevoss twins.

The closer I get to climaxing, the more my nipples ache to be touched. Finally, it is too much to bear. I fumble with my top, in a desperate attempt to free my breasts as I ride Earl to my pleasurable destination. One touch is all it will take to send me over the edge. Earl, sensing what I’m trying to do, wraps an arm around me to cup my left breast—but his long fingers find the jetpack’s emergency booster switch instead.

I am shot three hundred yards across the jungle, where I crash-land into a tree.

It is the best orgasm of my life.

When I trek back through the jungle and find Earl, there’s not much left of him. The direct blast from my jetpack’s single thruster cut him in half at the waist. My poor Earl Grey is now fifty shades of messed up . . .

Does Earl Grey survive? Find out in Fifty Shames in Space, the thrilling sequel to Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. Twice the sex, twice the excitement, and twice the sex!

Acknowledgments

Thank you to Brandi Bowles and the fine folks at Foundry Literary + Media for believing in this project. Pony power!

Thank you to Brandy Rivers and the Gersh Agency for scouting locations for my luxury mansion in Beverly Hills.

Thank you to Renée Sedliar, Lissa Warren, Sean Maher, Kevin Hanover, John Radziewicz, Alex Camlin, and everyone at Da Capo Press and Perseus Books Group.

Thank you to Christine Marra and Marrathon Editorial Production Services for beating the manuscript into shape.

Thank you to Jennifer Sullivan, Hilary Rose, and the entire Tantor Audio team.

Thank you to the talented Allyson Ryan for bringing Anna Steal to life for the audiobook.

Thank you to my beta readers, Tiffany Reisz and Karen Stivali.

Thank you to the thousands of readers who followed this story through the first three chapters back when it was serialized on EvilReads.com as Fifty-one Shades. I wasn’t lying when I said I would sell out, change the characters’ names, and hide from y’all in my brand new McMansion. Good luck getting past my alligator-filled moat!

And, last but not least, thank you to Stephenie Meyer for the inspiration.

Index

A

“Aaaarrrrghhhh!,”

Ackroyd, Dan

Apple, poison(see also Poison)

Apple, product placement of

Ass, burnt (see Starbucks)

B

Babies, Beanie

Basket-weaving, underwater

BDSM (Bards, Dragons, Sorcery and Magick)

Beyoncé,

Body wash, expensive

C

Camellia sinensis

Cleveland Steamer

Cornell, Chris

Crocs, bright pink

Cruise, Tom

Culkin, Macauley

Cullen, Edward

D

Deliverance (joke)

Dice, sixty-nine-sided

Dice, twenty-sided

Dirty Sanchez

Diving, drunk

Drew, Dr.

E

Elevators

Eyes, gray

F

F-14 Tomcat

Fingers, long

Four Loko

G

Gates, Bill

Gossip Girl

Grey, Earl (man)

Grey, Earl (tea)

Griffey, Jr., Ken

Guidette, Inner, overuse of

Guitar Hero

“Gulp,”

Guns N’ Roses

H

Hair, tousled

Harry Potter

Hello Kitty

Hotmail

J

Jägerbombs

Jay-Z

Jurassic Park

L

Lincoln, Abraham

M

Manticore,

Mermaid (naked women swimming in a fish tank)

Mermaid (topless in Starbucks logo)

My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic

N

Nickelback

Nail, nineteen-inch

Nails, Nine Inch

Nirvana

O

Obama, Barack

“Oh my,”

Olive Garden

P

Paloozi, Nicole “Snooki,”

Park, Jurassic (see Jurassic Park)

Perry, Katy

magic tricks out of Anna’s

perfume

Pinot Noir, three hundred dollar bottles of

Poison(see also Apple, poison)

PonyExpression.net

Pretty Woman

R

Red Bull and Jägermeister (see Jägerbombs)

Red Bull and NyQuil

Rib, Mc

Romney, Mitt

Rusty Trombone

S

Safari, Triassic (see also Jurassic Park)

Shamrock Shake

Snooki (see Paloozi, Nicole “Snooki”)

Space Needle

before

after

Sparks, Nicholas

Spiner, Brent

Starbucks

Super Mario Kart

T

Tambourine

Tampons, vodka-soaked

Tape, cassettes

Tape, duct

Tea, Earl Grey

Tea, not Earl Grey,

Tea, white,

Teabagging

Tension, sexual

Thunder, Days of

Tie, smiley-faced

Triceratops (see Safari, Triassic)

Twilight

U

“Uh-oh,”

Unicycle, dangerous operation of

V

Vampire, sparkly

Vedder, Eddie

W

Wall Street

Walmart

Winfrey, Oprah, painting of

Womb, growing needy with want

Words With Friends

Z

Zuckerberg, Mark

Zumba

About the Author

Fanny Merkin hides from her fans lives in a Beverly Hills mansion purchased using the embarrassingly large advance she received for Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. She is a former Walmart employee who writes under the pseudonym “Andrew Shaffer” for publications as diverse as Mental Floss and Maxim. Andrew Shaffer is the author of Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love. He reviews romance, erotica, and women’s fiction for RT Book Reviews magazine.

50shames.com

ThisMerkinLife.com

This is a work of parody. It imitates an author’s style and work for comic effect. Its intent is to ridicule. Its purpose is to make people laugh. The dialogue, thoughts, attitudes, and actions of its characters, even those based on public figures, are all fictional. They are included only to enhance the overall value and effectiveness of the parody.

Copyright © 2012 by Andrew Shaffer

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. For information, address Da Capo Press, 44 Farnsworth Street, 3rd Floor, Boston, MA 02210.

Editorial production by Marrathon Production Services. www.marrathon.net

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available for this book.

eISBN : 978-0-306-82200-1

First Da Capo Press edition 2012

Published by Da Capo Press

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

www.dacapopress.com

Da Capo Press books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the U.S. by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA, 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail special.markets@perseusbooks.com.

Table of Contents

Praise

Title Page

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-one

Chapter Twenty-two

Chapter Twenty-three

Chapter Twenty-four

Chapter Twenty-five

Chapter Twenty-six

Chapter Twenty-seven

Chapter Twenty-eight

Chapter Twenty-nine

Epilogue

BOARDROOM HOTTIES

Earl Grey’s Fifty Shames

AN EXCERPT FROM Fifty Shames in Space

Acknowledgments

Index

About the Author

Copyright Page