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waist and walk into my bedroom. Water drips from my hair, hitting my shoulders. At my dresser, I prop my hands on the top and fully prepare to give myself a minute for a pity party in quiet with no one’s eyes on me.

Fear of being not enough trickles into my mind. Intrusive thoughts are what my therapist called them when I bothered to see him. I’m prone to them. The worst-case scenarios are a constant in my mind. If I do this, then this could happen. What happens if I don’t do this, then what will the outcome be?

My head is not a fun place to be when these thoughts take over.

Overcome by the what-ifs, I slam my hand on the dresser, rattling the mirror I refuse to look into. With a loud huff, I reach for my towel, ready to move this day along.

“For fuck’s sake, don’t drop the towel,” Marek says. I spin to see him sitting at my desk.

“What the fuck are you doing in here?” I ask, grabbing my clothes from the dresser. Without giving him notice, I drop the towel.

“Come on, man.” He makes a big show of closing his eyes, as if anyone on this fucking Earth can make him uncomfortable.

“It’s just a dick.” I slip into my boxer briefs, followed by my jeans.

“You’re not exactly my type.” He chuckles.

“Funny, because last time I checked, I’m everyone’s type.” I tug on a white Henley and head for the door.

“Where you headed off to?” He approaches me, uncertainty and worry etched into his face.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be here before the gauntlet.” I tap his chest twice before opening the door.

“You know you can bow out. No one would blame you.”

“You know I can’t.” I eye him up and down, hoping he won’t push this matter any further.

“This is going to make me sound like such a pussy, and if you tell a single soul, I’ll fucking kill you. You know I love Delaney. She’s Palmer’s person, which makes her my person. I can’t help but think this is for nothing.” He shrugs, unashamed of the words he’s laced together with conviction.

“She’s not for nothing. She’s every-last-thing.” I mimic the lift of his shoulders and leave. I’m halfway down the hall when I hear his footsteps behind me.

“Break?” he says, grinning. “She may be Palmer’s person, but you’re mine.”

“I think Palmer’s making you soft.”

“I’ll slit his throat if he steps over the line during one of his gauntlets,” Marek announces, then changes direction and walks away, completely uncomfortable with the intimate moment he’s created.

Marek’s words play over and over in my head as I make my way through the house undetected. Music blares through the truck speakers as I leave. The drive is long, but when familiar scenery appears, everything starts to bleed together. I’ve driven these roads thousands of times. This is home, even though I feel like an outsider entering it.

At the gate, imposter syndrome sets in. This place isn’t who I am. It’s who they were before. My sisters are too young to remember the terror inside these walls. To them, they aren’t tainted with memories turned nightmares. This place is their sanctuary and their soft place to land.

I mash the button on the gate, and the speaker crackles to life.

“Hello?”

“Aunt Emily?” My voice breaks with her name.

“Barrett? Is that you?” she responds.

The excited hopefulness in her voice causes my chest to ache. “Yeah, it’s me.”

“Girls, your brother’s here!” she yells, forgetting to take her finger off the intercom button. “Get your butt inside this house, boy,” she demands.

The gate buzzes, then starts to swing open.

I roll up my window and drive forward, parking inside the large circle drive. The fountain is covered for the winter. I’d run through it as a kid, always getting yelled at, but doing it anyway because there was no better fun than playing in the water.

“You know, if it was warmer, I’d let you dive right in, kiddo,” Aunt Emily says from the front stoop.

“You know I’d be tempted.” I fall into her arms, and her signature perfume transports me to when I was young, embracing her when no one else was there to mend my soul.

“It’s good to see you, Barrett. It’s been too long.” She rubs my back as if I’m a child, unaware how badly I need the connection. When I break away, she smiles.

“I don’t have any excuses.” I shrug, ashamed to admit it.

“Well, that’s not true.” She leads me inside and shuts the door behind us. “I’ve seen the news. I called you, you know?”

“I should have called, you know, before now.”

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m a big girl. You don’t have to check in on me, but them?” Her eyes dart to the stairs. “They deserved a call.”

“I’ll make it up to them.”

“Well, good luck because they inherited your stubbornness, and my guess is it won’t be an easy task.” She winks. “Now, go up there. Spend some time with them. We’ll talk before you leave, okay?”

“You got it.” I walk to the stairs, overwhelmed with emotions, and pause to look at my aunt. “Aunt Emily?”

“Yeah?” In this light, I can see her age coming through. She’s two years older than my mom would be. I admire the similarities they share, the silvery blonde hair and emerald eyes. My eyes. “Everything all right, Barrett?”

I shake my head, forcing myself out of my thoughts. “Thank you for everything you do for us. I know I’m not here to help, and I’ll try to change that. I’ve been selfish.”

“Your job is to survive high school. That’s all I need from you.”

“That and maybe a phone call now and then.” I grin.

“Yeah, that would help.” She laughs and heads into the den.

One tread at a time, I move closer to where my sisters are hidden behind their doors. They share one large suite, divided by a big archway frame. It’s what they prefer. They’re close to each other, but they have their own space.

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