Yearn A. Ellis (carter reed .TXT) 📖

compromising who you are or jeopardizing your heart.

I sighed, knowing my friends and my head were right, but scared to death to take that step. If I left things the way they were, I got good sex, the chance to get closer to Khi, and no drama. But if I told him the truth, I risked finding out that his truth didn’t include feelings for me and I wasn’t sure my heart could take it.

Because…

Fuck.

I’d gone and fallen for him. I tossed my notebook to the side. Things were so much easier when we just hated each other.

Whatever, you know damn well you wouldn’t give up what you’ve got with Khi to go back to all that tension and animosity.

I sighed. Yeah, because the tension and uncertainty are so much better.

I pretended to be asleep when Khi came in after a late evening at the gym. My chest ached and my head swam in a murky pool of indecision despite my heart knowing exactly what it wanted.

Twelve

Khi

Dre was distant.

Maybe distant wasn’t the right word.

Distracted?

Ever since the night I’d come home from the gym to find him pretending to be asleep, he’d seemed off.

The thoughts plagued me as I showered and prepared for a shift.

And as much as I hated to admit it, it bothered me that Dre had pulled away.

I was a damn grown-ass man. I had no business being butt-hurt when my fuck buddy feigned sleep to avoid me. Would’ve been nice if he’d just been honest and said he didn’t want sex—it stung that he didn’t think he could opt out without faking.

Since that night, there was just something different about him.

We still fucked like damn bunnies and there were no complaints in the sex department. We still chatted about the most random, inane things on shift.

Boring shit like favorite colors, foods, movies and TV shows, and books, but stupid shit too.

If you could choose to be a dinosaur-sized chicken or a chicken-sized dinosaur, which would you pick and why?

Would you rather eat with your toes or walk on your hands?

If you were banished to a faraway land, where would you go and why?

I scrubbed my face and let the warm water wash over me.

It irritated the fuck out of me, but I found myself looking forward to our shifts. Never in a million years would I have thought I’d ever speak to Dre again, let alone yearn for his kisses, savor his touch, and enjoy spending time with him.

Honestly, I’d started to wonder if I’d ever have that kind of connection with anyone, not just the man I’d sworn I hated for nearly a decade.

After Blaine—after losing so many years to a loveless, toxic relationship…yeah, I could admit that’s what we’d had—I sometimes believed I didn’t deserve a second chance and didn’t know how to love someone.

Despite the warmth of the water, my blood ran cold.

Love? No way.

There was no way I loved Dre.

Right?

Swallowing thickly, I finished rinsing as I digested the idea.

Enjoyed spending time with him?

Check.

Thought about him throughout the day?

Check.

Looked forward to our stupid, random chats? Savored sleepy morning cuddles? Found myself thinking further down the line past our current fuck buddy status?

Check, check, and check.

Holy shit, maybe I did love Dre.

I dried myself and wiped the condensation from the mirror.

Leave it to my screwed-up ass to realize I’d gone and fallen for the guy right as he started to pull away.

Maybe he’s not pulling away from you. Maybe he’s distracted by something else? His designs? Worrying about Bev?

True. And if that was the case, I was even more ridiculous for pouting over it.

As much as I despised admitting it, though, I missed that connection we’d been building. There was still a spark between us, still that attraction and pull, but it was as if Dre was trying his best to temper the heat, dull the spark, deny the attraction.

And that hurt.

Which pissed me off—at myself—because we’d agreed to fuck buddies, nothing more, so I had no right to feel bereft.

Rolling my eyes at myself in the mirror, I yanked on some underwear and walked to the bedroom. Opting to pull on my uniform—I’d change into workout gear at the station if the shift was slow—I stared for way too long at Dre’s bed.

Okay, so I had feelings for him.

That didn’t clear our past.

Gee, dumbass, maybe the two of you could talk about your past, clear the air like Dre has suggested numerous times, and move on.

The thought of dredging all of that shit up sat in my stomach like a brick. I wasn’t one for lots of emotional talk. I didn’t grow up that way, Blaine and I definitely didn’t do well with communication, and honestly, the thought of talking about the past scared the shit out of me.

Yeah well, maybe get the fuck over yourself.

Did it even matter? Maybe I’d pushed Dre too far and he’d realized I wasn’t worth the trouble.

Hell, he’d not even offered me coffee the last few times he’d made it—and that shit hurt…which was absolutely ridiculous.

So, to recap, I thought to myself sardonically, the guy I found myself attracted to ten years ago quickly became the guy I hated for stupid shit that happened between us as kids. We met up again, got forced to work and live together, slowly figured out that attraction was still there, and stupidly agreed to casual fucking. Then, after getting to know him as a colleague, pseudo friend, and sex partner, my dumb ass went and fell in love with him right at the moment he decided I wasn’t worth the trouble. So now, I’m in a love with a man I used to hate, I despise the fact that I don’t know what to do about it, and I’m heading to spend a long-ass shift with him—which should fill me with dread, but I can’t help but feel excited just to spend time with him.

Fuck.

My.

Life.

I grabbed my bag and headed down the stairs.

I didn’t know how to deal with