How to Be a Mentsh (and Not a Shmuck) Wex, Michael (the false prince series txt) 📖

to misconduct himself but he remained poor. He complained of this to his elder brother, who answered: “The reason your transgressions have not made you wealthy is that you did them not from conviction that it matters not whether we do good or evil, but solely because you desired riches.”

If you really want to be a shmuck because you think that being a shmuck is the way to be, no one can stop you. If, however, you turn yourself into a shmuck in order to get something else—money, friends, esteem—you’ll simply end up as a failed shmuck, a wannabe whom nobody likes and who can’t figure out why the other shmucks are getting ahead while he gets treated like a shmuck even by the other shmucks.

Once again, Hillel has the answer, in a couple of remarkable passages, both of which occur on the same page of the Talmud. Hillel was renowned for his mild disposition, remarkable patience, and willingness to go out of his way to make things easy for others, especially in his rulings on Jewish law. The first passage is a compelling demonstration of the futility of shmuckery, especially shmuckery as a cold-blooded tactic or strategy. It begins with an admonition, then gets straight to the story:

Let a person always be mild like Hillel and not irascible like Shammai. It happened once that two men made a bet: “Whoever can provoke Hillel to lose his temper will get four hundred zuzim.” One of them said, “I’m going to do it.”

It was a Friday and Hillel was washing his hair. The man passed by the door of Hillel’s house, saying, “Is there a Hillel here? Is there a Hillel here?” Hillel put something on and went out to greet him.

“What is it that you want, son?” he said.

“I have a question to ask you.”

“Ask away, son, ask away.”

“Why do Babylonians have heads shaped like eggs?”

(SHABBOS 30B-31A)

Zuzim is the plural of zuz, which was a unit of currency, and four hundred of them seems to have been a conventional number that meant “a lot of money.” The same sum is the subject of a dispute in a famous passage in Ovos de Rabi Nosn, a later elaboration of Ovos, in which Rabbi Akiva fines a man for humiliating a woman in public. The guy who is out to humiliate Hillel here takes care to turn up on Friday, the eve of the Sabbath. Hillel is preparing himself for the holy day and probably has a lot of other things to do, so the guy is hoping that he’ll be a little bit on edge, slightly impatient to get rid of him so that he, Hillel, can devote himself to his Sabbath preparations. Asking deliberately silly questions is just another stratagem to try to push Hillel over the edge.

The bettor isn’t very bright, though. He starts off by asking, “Is there a Hillel here?” This is rather like banging on the door of the White House and yelling out, “Someone named Obama live here?” Hillel was the nassi, the head of the Sanhedrin, and occupied a position somewhere between president and chief justice of the Supreme Court. He was one of the most prominent people in the country.

Hillel is also said to have come to the land of Israel from Babylon at the age of forty, so the question about the shape of Babylonians’ heads isn’t only silly, it is a deliberate provocation, again like asking Barack Obama, “Why do all Hawaiians have such big ears?” Hillel isn’t biting, though:

Hillel said, “Son, you have asked a great question. It’s because they have no skillful midwives.”

He went away, waited for an hour, came back, and said, “Is there a Hillel here? Is there a Hillel here?”

Hillel put something on and went out to meet him. He said, “Son, what is it that you want?”

“I have a question to ask you.”

“Ask away, son, ask away.”

“Why are people from Palmyra bleary-eyed?”

Hillel said, “Son, you have asked a great question. It’s because they live in places with a lot of sand.”

He went away, waited for an hour, came back, and said, “Is there a Hillel here? Is there a Hillel here?”

Hillel put something on and went out to meet him. He said, “Son, what is it that you want?”

“I have a question to ask you.”

“Ask away, son, ask away.”

“Why do Africans have wide feet?”

(SHABBOS 31A)

The third such question would reasonably send just about anyone around the bend. These are klutz questions on a par with “What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the ape in apricot?” but without Bert Lahr to deliver them. Hillel clearly knows that he’s being baited, yet seems indifferent to being bothered. He’s as cool as they come; having put his clothes off and on three times in as many hours, it’s possible that he was the inspiration for Isaac of Warka’s idea about changing your jacket before you’re allowed to get angry.

The shmendrik keeps going, though. He wants his four hundred zuzim:

Hillel said, “Son, you have asked a great question. It’s because they live in marshy regions.”

He said, “I have many questions to ask, but I’m afraid to in case I anger you.”

Hillel put something on and sat down before him and said, “Ask all the questions you’ve got.”

“Are you the Hillel who is called the nassi of Israel, the head of the Sanhedrin?”

“Yes.”

“If you are, may there not be many like you in Israel!”

“Why not, son?”

“Because I lost four hundred zuzim on account of you.”

The guy is starting to lose his temper himself.

Hillel said, “Take it easy. Better for you to lose four hundred zuzim and a further four hundred zuzim, than that Hillel should lose his temper.”

(SHABBOS 31A)

Matzoh wouldn’t melt in his mouth. Hillel seems to have no trouble keeping his temper. The guy who has made the bet wants