Before You Knew My Name Jacqueline Bublitz (highly illogical behavior .TXT) 📖

tried to get close to him. But the man who murdered me only has to think about what he did that morning for those wild waves to start up again, drag me under the roiling water. It feels like its own kind of warning, every time I come near. That while he is out there, going about his life like nothing has changed, he still has the power to destroy me. To take away what little I have left.

Is that how it happens, after they kill you? They keep on living their lives, keep getting up for work and eating breakfast and checking the weather and saying please and thank you and you’re welcome, and they smile at their own reflection in mirrors and store windows as they walk down the street. Hiding in plain sight, if they bother to hide at all.

Thinking no one has the power to stop them. Not the girl then, or anyone now.

It’s only a matter of time.

Before they find him? Or before he gets the chance to do it again?

THIRTEEN

‘SIX OR SEVEN PEOPLE COME ALONG, MOST SESSIONS.’

Larry from the welcome email is talking to Ruby over his shoulder as he sets out a series of colourful cushions on the floor of the community centre. He makes a circle of them, ten large pillows in total. He knows some members of the group will prefer to leave a space between themselves and the next person; then, too, there is the small hope that more people will show up tonight. Find shelter at this meet-up, instead of wandering out there, confused and alone. Larry has been facilitating these support sessions for two years now. It is, as he has now told Ruby multiple times, his ‘life’s calling’—staying open to the many, many ways trauma can present itself, and finding ways to heal the damage that PTSD can cause. It’s a job that never gets old for him. Not when you consider all the ways humans can hurt themselves, and each other, let alone the surprises an impartial planet can have in store. With his own life seemingly safe as a box, he is constantly amazed at what people are asked to endure.

Congratulations! Know it takes courage to make the first step in your healing process. You should be proud of yourself. We would love to have you attend our group session, where you will have a chance to talk about what is holding you back from living life fully. After twenty years in my own practice, I know that my life’s calling is helping people heal from their trauma to become their best selves.

Best selves. Life’s calling. To Ruby, that first email was so … American, and she is not at all surprised to discover Larry looks like a magazine ad from the 1950s, with his straight white teeth, and his sandy blonde hair touching the sides of bright green eyes. He looks like a clean slate, something fresh and open. Like all the dirt has been scrubbed away—or deliberately swept out of sight. That’s the other side of America, after all. A country whose history is shiny on the outside, a glossy front, until you realise only one version of the story is being told.

(Ruby and I didn’t study the same American history. But I think she is right about that part.)

These last few days, Ruby has almost talked herself out of coming to the meet-up many times over. But her nightmares have intensified since learning about PTSD, as if she has finally given her subconscious permission to have at it. She dreams of floods and gates that won’t open, and yellow reeds wrapped at her throat. Sometimes—most times—she sees that bloodied face, eyes popped open, and wakes in a sweat, convinced she is back at the river.

(This isn’t me, by the way. When she has this kind of nightmare, I don’t stand a chance.)

There is something else, too. When Ruby got home from the coffee shop that Sunday afternoon, a message from Ash was waiting for her:

I’m in London. Jetlagged as fuck. I don’t know what messages you’re talking about, but all okay my end. Don’t know about you though. You ever going to tell me what happened the other day?

He hadn’t told her he was travelling for work. Crisis constructed. Crisis averted. She called him then and there and told him about finding a dead body. Forgot she was angry with him. And now they’re back on the merry-go-round.

(I don’t stand a chance there, either.)

But she’s here now—we’re here now—following All-American Larry around the room as he finishes setting up, chatting over his shoulder about this and that, the weather, an Indian restaurant in her neighbourhood ‘that you just have to try, Ruby. Oh, it’s so good. I never was much for that vegetarian stuff, seemed like something was missing, you know? But they just might have me converted.’ A laugh, a look up, and a quick sign of the cross, before he winks and gets back to loading fresh beans into an old coffee machine. He is excited to have a new person here tonight, feels like a man about to start a race as he wonders what this Australian woman’s story might be. He doesn’t have to do this, give up his free time to help people like her. The practice in Murray Hill, the patients he treats there—it takes more than enough out of him. But he made a commitment to give back to the community outside of those $350 per hour sessions, or rather, because of them. Sharing his good fortune and sound mind twice a month is his penance for making a living out of people’s misery. It really is the least he can do.

And besides, you never know where the night will take you. Trauma is unruly like that. All the messiness of real life, it’s better than the best TV show. He never did make it as an actor. But listen, when