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in the eye. He pulls me towards him, opens the door, and gives me a slight shove. The door closes and I’m standing in the corridor.

The sounds of the TV’s follow me all the way to the elevator.

He’s just treated me like shit, but I love him. I love him so much it hurts.

Raine

Weeks pass and as Helena Barrington predicted the date of Konstantin’s trial is set within two months of the time I went to her apartment. I mark the start of it on my calendar and cross another day off before I go to bed.

Life drags on.

Our little family seems to be in a limbo. I pretend to be normal, but it’s hard and often I find I am berating myself. If only I had trusted Konstantin and told him earlier about the painting. But I can’t go back and change the past. I can only make the future better by doing the right thing.

All Maddy knows is there is a slight delay to her procedure. Of course, she knows something is wrong, that Konstantin and I are no longer together, but she doesn’t ask about him, or refer to him as ‘the billionaire’ the way she used to all the time.

Once I find my mom crying in the bathroom. Instantly, I assume something is wrong with Maddy, but I find out she is crying because of me.

I stare at her in surprise. “Me? Why me?”

She drags me over to the mirror. “Look at you,” she says. “Just look at the state of you.”

In the mirror, I see a stranger’s face. It’s true, there are shadows under my eyes and my face looks gaunt and haunted. I’ve stopped taking care of myself. I hardly look in the mirror anymore because I can’t bear to look into my own eyes. I still feel so guilty, and until Maddy has her procedure I will not stop feeling bad. I can’t help feeling I ruined it all, for me and Konstantin and for her by being a fool.

I turn away from my reflection and look at her. “It’s okay, it’ll be over soon, Mom.”

“I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about something else.”

I frown.

“You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”

My eyes widen. “I… I… why do you think that?”

“When are you due your period?”

My periods are never regular, but only then do I realize I am late. By more than a week.

“Yes, I thought so.” She looks at me sadly. “I’m so sorry, honey.”

I grip her hand fiercely. “Don’t be sorry, Mom. I want this baby. You don’t know how much.”

She looks into my determined, passionate face and nods. “All right. We’ll manage together. Somehow.”

“It’ll be fine, Mom. I promise. It’ll be fine.”

“Wait here,” she says and leaves the bathroom. She comes back with two pregnancy kits and gives them to me. My mother leaves and I do the test. While I wait for the results I remember again that day when he entered me in that apartment.  Not a single word passed between us, and anyone else would have thought it was a quick, rough, ugly encounter, but there was so much need in both of us. It was as if we were starving for each other’s touch.

To think we conceived a child in that strange encounter. I look down at the stick. There are two clear lines on it.

I move to the mirror and for the first time in many weeks I look at myself. I touch my stomach and tears of joy fill my eyes. No matter what happens now I can never again regret everything that happened. Because if not for those things this beautiful miracle wouldn’t have happened.

I tell Lois about my pregnancy.

“Are you going to keep it?” she asks, surprised.

“Of course I am. I want this baby.”

“But you’re not with him anymore. Why do you want his baby?”

“Because I love him. I love him, Lois. More than you could ever know.”

“So what are you going to do?”

I shrug. “I still have fifty thousand in my bank. I might try to buy a small farm somewhere in a faraway land. Somewhere cheap like South America. Grow some vegetables, rear some chickens for their eggs. I fancy the idea of living off the land.”

“Don’t leave New York, please, Raine,” she pleads.

“I haven’t made up my mind yet, Lois. It’s just a pipe dream at the moment.”

She chews her bottom lip. “Aren’t you going to tell him about the baby?”

“Of course I will.”

“What do you think he’ll do?”

“I don’t know. He’s pretty mad with me right now, but I don’t think he can be mad with his own son or daughter.”

“You know what I think?”

“What?”

“I think he won’t let you leave New York. I think he’ll want to be part of the baby’s life. I think you’ll have to put your South American dream on ice for a very, very long time. At least until your kid is eighteen years old, anyway.”

Then, finally, I get a reply to the letter I sent to Lana Barrington. It was not difficult to track down such a notable woman with so many charitable causes.

What she says gladdens my heart and fills me with hope for the future. I don’t tell anybody about the letter or its contents. I just burn the letter and go about my business. At least now I know that no matter what happens to me, Maddy is safe. Her procedure can go on even without me.

A small sigh of relief escapes from my mouth. Lana Barrington has just taken care of that problem for me.

Raine

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orL-w2QBiN8

The Lonely Shepherd

The trial begins. The channels and newspapers are full of it. A friend of Putin and a billionaire is savory gossip. Even I get some press. People still remember that I was the girl Konstantin Tsarnov paid a million dollars to have one dinner date with.

I don’t go to the courtroom, but religiously and obsessively watch and read everything I can lay my hands on about it. The prosecution believe

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