Dark Lullaby Polly Ho-Yen (drm ebook reader .txt) 📖

my mood. My hair’s falling out, handfuls of it come away when I wash it. I can’t look at Jakob any more without crying. I cry when I get him up in the morning, I cry when I play peekaboo with him, I cry when I feed him. I didn’t know that I had this much water inside me. And all of that, it doesn’t matter. How I feel is… irrelevant. It’s nothing. I’ve failed Jakob, Kit. I’ve failed our family.’

‘No,’ I said. ‘No, Evie. Of course you haven’t. It’s just…’ But I didn’t have the words to make things better and I had the sharp sense that this was how she felt. Powerless, the world so far from her control, as though she might as well give up.

‘Seb and I are barely speaking to each other, although we have to pretend that we are. One of the IPSs was for a “tense family atmosphere” and so we have to play happy families whenever we go out. It’s just all such…’

She trailed off.

‘Maybe—’ I started to say.

‘Please don’t say that it might not happen,’ Evie continued. ‘All five of them might not have happened, but they did. We’ll have been red-flagged now, I’m sure of it. Just like your friends – Marie and Leo – in your building. It’s only a matter of time now. The important thing is making sure that we enjoy every moment that we have left with Jakob. Although that also feels impossible.’

‘OK,’ I said. ‘OK. There’s nothing I can say that will make this any better but I’m here. I’m here for you. For Seb and Jakob. I’m on your side, all right? You’re not alone.’

‘Thank you, Kit,’ Evie said, her voice sounded tired and weary. ‘You’re… you’re… but the problem isn’t with us, it’s with, it’s with…’ Evie looked lost.

‘OSIP,’ I finished for her. ‘The problem is with OSIP.’

‘Come on, let’s walk,’ Evie stood quickly.

‘Now?’

‘Now.’ She reached down for her bag and turned to leave the bustling café. I had to rush to keep up with her.

‘Did you see them?’ she asked when we reached an empty street. ‘That couple. They looked like they were listening to us.’

I tried to picture them but found I couldn’t.

‘No,’ I admitted.

Evie moved quickly through the streets, turning down alleyways, crossing roads, in what I imagined she hoped was an unpredictable way. Only when we were away from the café did she tell me what she’d seen.

‘They were sitting a few tables down from us. They’d been there since I arrived. I wouldn’t have noticed them except there was a moment when the woman reached out for the teapot and began to pour it but there was no tea left in it. And then they just continued to sit there. Not moving, not talking. The man made some kind of gesture with his head when you mentioned OSIP. Then the woman turned to look towards us. That’s when I dragged you out of there.’

I didn’t answer but ran through the scene in my head. It seemed unlikely that we were being spied upon, but Evie’s fear was very real; I saw it her eyes, in the way she walked stiffly as though she were carrying a great weight.

‘You thought that they were listening to us?’ I asked.

‘I should have been more careful.’

‘But nothing you said was bad.’

‘It was bad enough,’ she said. ‘I’d better get home. But come over soon, will you? Come and spend some time with Jakey. Just… well, you know.’

I nodded, not wanting to speak the words either. It was unthinkable, unimaginable.

‘Also, I know we haven’t heard anything about Dad’s estate for a while but I am chasing things up with the solicitor tomorrow—’

‘Don’t worry about it,’ I told her. ‘There’s no rush. It must be the last thing that you want to think about right now.’

‘I just want you to know I’m on it.’

I waved my hands; I didn’t want to talk about it.

We agreed to meet the next day and kissed each other on the cheek.

I watched her walk down the street until she disappeared from view and then I set off in the direction of home.

Though I wasn’t sure that I believed that the couple in the café were listening to us, I found myself glancing over my shoulder the whole way home.

NOW

I turn around sharply at a rustling sound behind us. Footsteps, I imagine, but the quiver in the grass and the flash of a tail tells me otherwise.

‘It’s just a rat,’ I say aloud. I can’t stop myself from speaking to Mimi now she’s with me, even though she’s asleep, even though she can’t understand me.

I see the outline of a building ahead of us. It’s huge, imposing. Black timber and the sheen of thick glass; it doesn’t look like a home, more like modern art. It couldn’t be more different to the small, red-bricked house Evie left behind.

I exhale in one long breath as we approach it; it sounds like defeat. My plan to come here dissolves before my eyes. The sharp lines of the building, the gleaming glass, seem indicative of what Evie is like now. She has a hardness, a coldness that I had not imagined she could possess.

I hold on to Mimi tightly as I walk closer still, curl her small body around mine. We are shielded by shrubs that grow densely along the side of the towpath and as we approach the side of the building, I lose sight of it thanks to this foliage screen. It’s only when we emerge on the other side that I see a gap in the hedge leads to a footpath through a field, towards the house.

‘Let’s go this way,’ I say, heading towards the gap.

Mimi’s head lolls to one side. A line of clear drool shines across on her face. She’s completely out. I try to adjust her and so her head can rest on my shoulder. She slumps forwards with a heaviness that makes