Zuleika Dobson Max Beerbohm (read novels website .txt) 📖

I have been crying half through the night. And then if you want to be very horrid you may tease me for being so slow to see a joke. And then you might take me to see some of the Colleges and things before we go on to lunch at The MacQuern’s? Forgive pencil and scrawl. Am sitting up in bed to write.⁠—Your sincere friend,

“Z. D.

“P.S.⁠—Please burn this.”

At that final injunction, the Duke abandoned himself to his mirth. “Please burn this.” Poor dear young woman, how modest she was in the glare of her diplomacy! Why there was nothing, not one phrase, to compromise her in the eyes of a coroner’s jury!⁠ ⁠… Seriously, she had good reason to be proud of her letter. For the purpose in view it couldn’t have been better done. That was what made it so touchingly absurd. He put himself in her position. He pictured himself as her, “sitting up in bed,” pencil in hand, to explain away, to soothe, to clinch and bind⁠ ⁠… Yes, if he had happened to be some other man⁠—one whom her insult might have angered without giving love its deathblow, and one who could be frightened out of not keeping his word⁠—this letter would have been capital.

He helped himself to some more marmalade, and poured out another cup of coffee. Nothing is more thrilling, thought he, than to be treated as a cully by the person you hold in the hollow of your hand.

But within this great irony lay (to be glided over) another irony. He knew well in what mood Zuleika had done what she had done to him last night; yet he preferred to accept her explanation of it.

Officially, then, he acquitted her of anything worse than tomboyishness. But this verdict for his own convenience implied no mercy to the culprit. The sole point for him was how to administer her punishment the most poignantly. Just how should he word his letter?

He rose from his chair, and “Dear Miss Dobson⁠—no, my dear Miss Dobson,” he murmured, pacing the room, “I am so very sorry I cannot come to see you: I have to attend two lectures this morning. By contrast with this weariness, it will be the more delightful to meet you at The MacQuern’s. I want to see as much as I can of you today, because tonight there is the Bump Supper, and tomorrow morning, alas! I must motor to Windsor for this wretched Investiture. Meanwhile, how can you ask to be forgiven when there is nothing whatever to forgive? It seems to me that mine, not yours, is the form of humour that needs explanation. My proposal to die for you was made in as playful a spirit as my proposal to marry you. And it is really for me to ask forgiveness of you. One thing especially,” he murmured, fingering in his waistcoat-pocket the earrings she had given him, “pricks my conscience. I do feel that I ought not to have let you give me these two pearls⁠—at any rate, not the one which went into premature mourning for me. As I have no means of deciding which of the two this one is, I enclose them both, with the hope that the pretty difference between them will in time reappear”⁠ ⁠… Or words to that effect⁠ ⁠… Stay! why not add to the joy of contriving that effect the greater joy of watching it? Why send Zuleika a letter? He would obey her summons. He would speed to her side. He snatched up a hat.

In this haste, however, he detected a certain lack of dignity. He steadied himself, and went slowly to the mirror. There he adjusted his hat with care, and regarded himself very seriously, very sternly, from various angles, like a man invited to paint his own portrait for the Uffizi. He must be worthy of himself. It was well that Zuleika should be chastened. Great was her sin. Out of life and death she had fashioned toys for her vanity. But his joy must be in vindication of what was noble, not in making suffer what was vile. Yesterday he had been her puppet, her Jumping-Jack; today it was as avenging angel that he would appear before her. The gods had mocked him who was now their minister. Their minister? Their master, as being once more master of himself. It was they who had plotted his undoing. Because they loved him they were fain that he should die young. The Dobson woman was but their agent, their cat’s-paw. By her they had all but got him. Not quite! And now, to teach them, through her, a lesson they would not soon forget, he would go forth.

Shaking with laughter, the gods leaned over the thunderclouds to watch him.

He went forth.

On the well-whitened doorstep he was confronted by a small boy in uniform bearing a telegram.

“Duke of Dorset?” asked the small boy.

Opening the envelope, the Duke saw that the message, with which was a prepaid form for reply, had been handed in at the Tankerton post-office. It ran thus:

Deeply regret inform your grace last night two black owls came and perched on battlements remained there through night hooting at dawn flew away none knows whither awaiting instructions

Jellings

The Duke’s face, though it grew white, moved not one muscle.

Somewhat shamed now, the gods ceased from laughing.

The Duke looked from the telegram to the boy. “Have you a pencil?” he asked.

“Yes, my Lord,” said the boy, producing a stump of pencil.

Holding the prepaid form against the door, the Duke wrote:

Jellings Tankerton Hall

Prepare vault for funeral Monday

Dorset

His handwriting was as firmly and minutely beautiful as ever. Only in that he forgot there was nothing to pay did he belie his calm. “Here,” he said to the boy, “is a shilling; and you may keep the change.”

“Thank you, my Lord,” said the boy, and went his way, as happy as a postman.

XV

Humphrey Greddon, in