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hairs one by one?

Uh-huh.

And clamps twisting his nipples into little knots?

He actually requested that.

Yeah, I donā€™t need to know. Anyway, guess Iā€™ll let you guys get back to itā€”

ā€œDOC, PLEASE! SAVE ME! PLEEEEEASE!ā€

Ah shit, do you really have to scream so loud, Nigel the Editor?

ā€œYES!ā€

WOW! Is that a portable 7T-43 laser-induced plasma-effect weapon with sonic boosters? I thought I was the only person who had one of those! Iā€™ve never actually seen it vibrate anyoneā€™s brain before.

ā€œPLEASE, Iā€™M BEGGING YOU!ā€

Ah shit, man. I mean, I would, butā€”I havenā€™t even finished my lunch yet. Wanna see the explanation about what Iā€™m a doctor of that I wrote for you? Maybe I can email it and the Brotherhood can let you read it or something.

ā€œI CANā€™T READ! MY EYEBALLS ARE FULL OF ACID!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!ā€

Sigh.

ā€œAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!ā€

All right, all right, I get it! Dude, chill out! Iā€™ll rescue you, all right? Fuck! I couldā€™ve told you like ten minutes ago if youā€™d just stop screaming like a skinny little punk!

Honestly, between me and you, I was always gonna do it. I just wanted to make you sweat it out a little, you know? Look, Iā€™m still a little pissed that you walked off my book. And if Iā€™m being honest here, I just think you could work on your people skills, you know? I mean, Iā€™m the talent. Iā€™m the Doc. And I expect to be treated with a certain degree of respect.

ā€œAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!ā€

But anyway, you messed up, I think you understand that now, Iā€™m sure you wonā€™t do it again, and Iā€™m willing to let bygones be bygones. Iā€™m happy to be the bigger man here. Because when itā€™s all said and done, I still love you, man. I still appreciate everything youā€™ve done for me and for the book and for the entire Champions Club. And I really am the bigger man out of the two of us, like a lot bigger, both literally and figuratively, and I think the facts back that up.

All right, cool. So Iā€™m gonna finish up this chicken fajita, then I might need a nap. And then, when Iā€™m good and ready, Iā€™ll come rescue you from the Brotherhood. Cool?

Oh hey, Carl the Hunchbackā€”where am I meeting you guys to kick your ass? Hong Kong again? You got a new lame-ass warehouse for me to demolish?

Iā€™m glad you asked, Doc. The setting will be a bitā€¦ different this time.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. What are you showing me right now, bro? I thought you were inside, but that looks like gleaming silvery skyscrapers. Like shining spotlights and flashing bulbs and paparazzi and international press with TV cameras and helicopters and Lamborghinis and A-list stars and plush red carpets and all the glitzy glamour of a MAJOR EXCLUSIVE INVITATION-ONLY GLOBAL PAY-PER-VIEW GALA EVENT. Thatā€™s my kind of torture chamber, baby!

Thatā€™s right, Doc. I know you likeā€¦ attention. Weā€™re holding Nigel the Editor at the very top of the worldā€™s tallest building in the heart of Dubai. And we invited the worldā€™s top press, the galaxyā€™s biggest stars, and the most powerful, influential people in the cosmos to witness our final showdown. Weā€™ll be waiting.

I disconnected AIM and arched one of my perfectly sculpted slate-black eyebrows.

A life-and-death rescue mission on the worldā€™s tallest building in Dubai in front of the eyes and cameras of the entire sentient universe?

This just got interesting.

I. In this dimension, both my parents were grade-school teachers, and they had an irrational hatred for used-car dealers. There was no Razor Frankā€”no Razor Frank at all! Think about it.

CHAPTER 15 THE END???

So Iā€™m flying my Ka-27 attack chopper through the clear Dubai night sky, dictating directly to my advanced prototype Casio TP-4000X microcassette recorder.

As usual, I know exactly what youā€™re thinking: ā€œDoc, why are you dictating? Why not just wait to type this up later on your experimental Dell Inspiron with WordPerfect 5.1 emulator?ā€

As usual, Iā€™m nice enough to answer your impertinent questions. And the simple fact is that even though Iā€™m the most dominant champion in the history of mankind, when you live a life like mine, a life thatā€™s always on the edge, a life thatā€™s always at the tippity-top of the mountain and only halfway upā€”thereā€™s risk. Thereā€™s danger. Thereā€™s a chance I might not make it home.

If there wasnā€™t, it wouldnā€™t be a challenge. And I wouldnā€™t be the Doc.

My copter is getting closer to the tallest building in the world. And I gotta admitā€”that thing is really tall. Like, you know how sometimes people are like, ā€œWow, that building is tall,ā€ and you see it, and youā€™re like, ā€œYeah, that building is tallā€”but with my six-foot-eight frame and my superior athleticism, I bet I could still jump itā€?

Well, this building isnā€™t like that.

I see it standing alone and unchallenged on the Dubai skyline, like a dagger plunging blindly into the black heart of night. Shit, that was poetic. I fly closer, and I see klieg lights sweeping across the heavens, with dozens of other, less cool helicopters circling the top, trying desperately to get a glimpse of the action.

I cut right through the crowd, because the Two-Time always cuts through the crowd, and my Kamov pulls in close for a perfect landing.

Just before I touch down, I scan the crowds, and for once in his pathetic life Carl the Hunchback wasnā€™t lying. Everyone is there. Everyone!

All the TV press thatā€™s been covering me, drooling over me since I won my first Blockbuster Championshipā€”Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather and my old buddy Wolf Blitzer and some dude I donā€™t recognize from ABC because who the fuck can really replace Peter Jennings? And next to them all the A-list stars and champions Iā€™ve encountered throughout my lifeā€”Leo and Brad and Fred Savage and JCVD and the ShamWow guy and Just Plain Usman and Kangaroo Jack Hortly and even Dolph Lundgren, who really is a good dude even if his farts are weak. And then the

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