The Fourth Child Jessica Winter (i love reading .txt) 📖

miss the feeling that they themselves want to live. That was Winnicott.

“Sure, it’s possible,” Delia said with her sleepy smile. Jane liked her so much. “What it also might be telling us is thatalready, at just one year old, the baby has been conditioned not to care, not to place any bets on Mom coming back or his environment having something to offer him. He’s not a dumb kid—heknows he’s going to lose that bet because he’s learned it through experiences of neglect or trauma, because he’s been payingattention.”

“He cries, nobody answers, so he takes that feedback and she—she uses it . . .” Jane trailed off.

Delia waited and nodded. “Yes. And that’s the most challenging scenario, because the kid has been given information and he’sacting on it in an intelligent and rational way, in what he thinks is a self-preserving way, and it’s challenging to talkhim out of what he’s learned from his own experience.”

“I wish we could go back in time and put Mirela in the strange situation,” Jane said. “Although I think Mirela would be theone to leave the room.”

“Could be,” Delia said.

“If I’d found Mirela back when she was young enough for the strange situation,” Jane said, “we probably wouldn’t be here.”

“All the same, I’m glad you’re here now,” Delia said.

“It’s hard to think about—before—what could have been.”

“No, of course.”

“I try to avoid thinking about it. Because there’s no—”

“I understand—”

“—no possibility of going back.”

“It’s a room that is shut. The past.”

“It’s over. The door is closed and locked. Why knock at that door when you know it won’t open?”

“And so you concentrate on the now. That’s healthy.”

“I wish she could have a do-over,” Jane said. “I wish I could give her that. I wish she could just start all over again.”

“In all of your research, have you come across the Arden Attachment Center?” Delia asked. Jane shook her head. “I have someliterature for you. It’s a clinic that focuses on kids with attachment issues. They’re in Colorado.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that—it’s only been five months,” Jane said. “Going on six. I started taking her to doctors almostas soon as she got home. I knew she’d need help adjusting. It just takes time.”

“Right. The thing is, you don’t have a lot of time,” Delia said.

It wasn’t a judgment or a warning; it was an empirical observation, a recitation of numbers, a result, a sum. How much timeMirela had lost plus how much time she was losing. Or multiplied by. Six months was one-sixth of her life. Eighty-three percentof Mirela’s life was lost time and cut points.

They watched Mirela. Now she was lying tummy-down on the floor, legs kicking the air, tapping Mr. Potato Head’s nose againsthis cheek, singing the tuneless little song to herself.

You would never know. There were moments when you would never know, and you could string enough of those moments togetherto add up to an hour, a day, a whole child’s life.

Welcome to Arden: We Build Bonds That Last Forever

Amid the peaceful splendor of the Colorado mountains, the Arden Attachment Center is a world-renowned sanctuary for familiesfacing the challenge of attachment disorders. At Arden, your child will learn the language of love, trust, and human connection.And you, the caregiver, will be your child’s most important teacher. What Is Attachment?

Just as a child is taught to read and write, to swim or ride a bike, an infant is taught to love and communicate by receivingthe attentions of his mother. Picking him up when he cries, feeding him when he is hungry, changing his diaper when it iswet, gazing into his eyes in loving attention: in these elemental interactions, the mother is helping her baby learn, throughexample, how to love and be loved. The cells of the baby’s brain and body store those learning memories, which are activated when the child is touched or spoken to.Who Is the Unattached Child?

Due to earlier experiences with severe neglect and abuse, the unattached child is alienated from all sense of safety and security. She is a stranger to a loving touch. In fact, she associates love with pain. Instability and trauma are the normal state of affairs for the unattached child, who seeks a grim solace in control.

At Arden, we know that love can conquer all. First, though, love must be taught. Love is a language the child will learn to speak fluently. For the child who was loved badly or not at all, there has to be a process of unlearning as well. At Arden, your child will find firm and gentle shepherds to lead her through this challenging but rewarding journey.What Is the Unattached Child Thinking?

It’s the universal question for the caregiver at her wits’ end: What is going through this kid’s head? But it’s important to understand that the unattached child does have a rational belief system, taught to her through abuse and neglect. Her belief system has two main tenets: that she is not loved, and that she cannot trust others to provide for her needs. A loving, authoritative caregiver is a mortal threat to both of these beliefs. That is why she attempts to defy and disrupt the caregiver’s efforts wherever possible. At Arden, we break down this defensive belief system, brick by brick, through evidence-based therapeutic interventions.What Are the Responsibilities of the Unattached Child?

The child must unlearn her abuse by performing it.

The child must unlearn her rage by giving voice to it.

The child must unlearn her imprisonment by reentering it.

The unattached child was denied the opportunity to grow, explore, and become who she was meant to be. She feels a rational rage at this injustice, and that rage is complicated by the grief she feels for the lost birth mother. In short, she has been imprisoned by neglect, abuse, and unprocessed grief. The teams of caregivers at Arden can help her reclaim that freedom for herself through our special two-week therapeutic intensive. During this rigorous