The Half That You See Rebecca Rowland (smart books to read txt) 📖

on horns, already irritated with their days and each other. A police siren wailed in the distance, sounding like it was just as stuck as everybody else.

Colin closed his eyes and let himself drift. Allowed himself to imagine the cars and buses gone, evaporated clean away so the street was silent as the grave and empty of people. Imagined Mum wasn’t brushing her teeth, Denise wasn’t snoring, inches away. The family downstairs had no radio to play.

Silent as the grave. The edges of his mouth tugged, almost making it to a smile as he floated, until the hard, bony ridge of Denise’s elbow drove its way into his consciousness.

“You’re sleeping in again.”

Finding himself back in bed in a cramped apartment in the middle of the horribly crowded, noisy city, he groaned theatrically. Denise rolled over and held him tight for a moment, kissing his face.

He shook his head, “Nah. Wasn’t sleeping.”

“Course not. I’ll get coffee on, you jump in the shower.”

He kissed her. “I’ll just check on Beth first.”

“Best let her sleep for a bit.”

That stiffened his skinny shoulders and brought him up on one elbow. “What? Did she have a bad night?”

“Not so you’d notice. I was only up once.” She frowned lightly, pulling back to focus on him. “Don’t you remember?”

He shook his head. “Did I wake?”

She ruffled his already tufty hair, red and wiry and thinning fast. “You came in with me. Stood in the middle of her room, blinking. She said you looked like a long, skinny owl.”

“Seriously?”

“Don’t worry. Beth thought it was hilarious. And, before you ask, she wasn’t in pain. Just needed to get to the toilet.”

Colin slid his spectacles on and stood, stretching some of the kinks out while staring at the slow-moving mayhem of the street below.

“Everybody in this house treats me like I’m some kind of pet.”

Coming into the kitchen, dressed and shaved, Colin found Denise and Beth sitting at the table, giggling over something or other, while his mother cooked scrambled eggs. He stopped to take the scene in, not noticing his little surge of relief. Everybody looked happy. Beth, not yet in her wheelchair, turned as her grandma scooped some eggs onto the waiting toast.

“Yum. Gramma makes the best breakfasts.”

Then she looked at him, and burst out laughing.

“Dad!”

“What?”

Whatever it was, everybody was amused and didn’t mind showing it. Denise stood and came over, her hands up and fussing.

“How long have you been wearing ties? They go under the collar.”

Everybody was laughing, shaking their heads, not noticing he wasn’t joining in. Even Mum. He knew from her expression that she was going to tell the story of the odd shoes again, the one she told at least twice a week, never remembering she’d done it.

“Did I ever tell you about his graduation? What he wore on his feet?”

Denise, still fussing with his tie, crossed her eyes at him. “No, Eleanor. You never did.”

Colin took the exhaust filled air of the street in tiny sips, thinking it would be much worse on the way home. The traffic was a bad-tempered trail of hot metal, moving slower than him deep within the current of pedestrians. Soon enough, the stream of people split, some pouring with Colin into the airless bowels of the station, hugging the side of the escalator as commuters in a hurry barreled past. He found a spot to stand on the platform that had space to breathe but had to steel himself to force his way into the crammed carriage.

Being tall helped, but not much. Hemmed in hard by a density of over-warm bodies, Colin tried to relax, using the techniques Dr. Tambini had given him. She had said, look for the warning signs: heart rate, shallow breathing. When it starts to happen, press your finger and thumb together to ground yourself. Then go inside and put yourself someplace safe, someplace you were happy. Find your safe space.

In the sessions, his safe space was normally an empty beach or a remote meadow. The watchword was empty. The essential element was a complete lack of people.

He allowed himself to drift. His safe space, in this moment, turned out not to be a lonely mountain pass, but someplace much more nearby and mundane. Surprising, really; it surprised Colin. It was the train itself, the one he was riding right now, but empty. In his mind, he looked around the carriage as it slid beneath London and found himself entirely, deliciously alone.

At school, few students had arrived yet, so the corridor was quiet. Colin walked rapidly to his classroom to savor the solitude, like he was saving it up. Soon enough, he knew, it would be packed with noisy students, and the battle for control, and to avoid disrespect and insult, would begin. The corridor, when he next walked it, would be a solid stream of kids.

Denise was waiting for him to arrive, gym bag in hand and itching to escape the instant he got through the door.

“I’ll be back probably around nine. Might stay with the girls for a glass or two.”

“How was it today?”

She was already on the landing, wanting to be gone, but paused.

“Ok, actually.” She dropped her voice. “For both of them. Eleanor was almost like her old self. We went out.”

“Out where?”

“Hyde Park. It was mobbed.”

Colin held up a hand as the elevator doors closed, then turned to his apartment, having to take a moment before he entered. His mother was standing in front of the television, pointing a remote at it and pressing buttons. As always when she was frustrated, her already thick Scottish accent became more pronounced.

“Can never get this bloody thing tae work. Why does it have to be so complicated?”

Beth rolled her eyes, a good imitation of Denise. Her voice was an imitation too, but of her grandmother. “Ach, ye’ve got the wrang remote again, Gramma.”

She pushed out of her wheelchair, coming to stand by the coffee table and pick up the correct one, quickly hitting buttons.