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guys are crammed into tight little four-by-fours.  Anā€™ I get first dibs on the new meat -- anā€™ yes, even with all Iā€™ve said, I still make use of it.  Itā€™s too much a part of the reality of this place.  Shit, Iā€™m treated like a fuckinā€™ king.  Anā€™ I like the power it gives me.  Anā€™ the peace.

ā€˜Course I never told ā€˜em a thing ā€˜bout how I felt about fuckinā€™ Shayes.  Never will.  Instead, Iā€™m just tryinā€™ to get the same feelinā€™ with my new punk.  Anā€™ I gotta admit, itā€™s close.  Close to the same tenderness anā€™ compassion anā€™ ache anā€™ anger.  This oneā€™s a nice-lookinā€™ kid caught up in drugs -- makinā€™ cat or X or something like that anā€™ now in for ten.  He was easy to break in ā€˜cause I donā€™t make him do all that much.  Just let me hold him.  Pretend heā€™s somebody else.    Anā€™ heā€™s happy to do it.  Sort of.  ā€˜Cause heā€™s seen what happens to other guys like him then they come in here.  Anā€™ he knows I can protect him.  So Iā€™ll probably keep him the whole time heā€™s in, even if somethinā€™ better is rostered in.

Anā€™ somethinā€™ fresh anā€™ good is always rostered in.  We got a system that thinks itā€™s better tā€™ put guys in jail anā€™ let ā€˜em become whatever they become ā€˜stead of tryinā€™ to help ā€˜em stay human.  Howā€™d this one guy put it?  ā€œA survival of the fittest mentality.ā€  I figure eventually theyā€™ll stop even offerinā€™ probation anā€™ just build enough jails to keep all the criminals in for the rest of their lives, no matter what they did.  Saves time anā€™ effort, in their little pea brains.

But I still gotta wonder how the hell I could let my life got so fucked up.  I didnā€™t aim to wind up here.  Didnā€™t plan to fuck myself so completely.  But somehow I did one major perfect job on me.  Anā€™ yeah, I mayā€™ve had help along the way, but thatā€™s just an excuse.  It seems like this is the only future I ever really saw for myself, anā€™ I did my damnedest to fulfill it.  Anā€™ so when you think about it that way -- I got exactly what I wanted.

But you whatā€™s really funny?  Iā€™m not sorry for it.  ā€˜Cause what I did -- as fucked up as this sounds, I connected with Shayes.  Somehow.  Way down deep.  I donā€™t know where or why or how come or anything.  I just know it brought me time with him.

Anā€™ it felt so right

when we drove up the coast

on that cold stormy night

anā€™ for those few, few seconds

while my head felt so light

I knew deep inside

thereā€™s no reason to fight.

No reason, at all.

Yeah, I know, I know -- what I did to him was rape.  Anā€™ thereā€™s nothinā€™ worse you can do to a guy.  But it didnā€™t have to be like that.  Not with any of ā€˜em.  It couldā€™ve been more.  We couldā€™ve been close.  Close like Iā€™ve never been with anybody, not even Connie.  ā€˜Cause I didnā€™t really need the power.  Didnā€™t really need the control.  All I really needed was somebody as strong as me whoā€™d let me hold ā€˜em anā€™ be with ā€˜em anā€™ even lean on ā€˜em if I needed to anā€™...anā€™ why couldnā€™t I have seen that, years ago?

Shit.  Looks like I fucked myself out of that, too.

About the Author

I read. I write. I paint and sketch. I want to make movies. I live in a quiet world, alone.

Table of Contents

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Epilogue

About the Author

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