Indiscretions of Archie P. G. Wodehouse (the beach read .txt) 📖

’E said ’e’d seen a piece about it in the papers, and it was about Rational Eating, and that kind of attracted ’im. ’E sort of thought ’e might pick up a few hints, like. ’E didn’t know what rational eating was, but it sounded to ’im as if it must be something to do with food, and ’e didn’t want to miss it. ’E came in here just now,” said Mr. Blake, dully, “and ’e was a changed lad! Scared to death ’e was! Said the way ’e’d been goin’ on in the past, it was a wonder ’e’d got any stummick left! It was a lady that give the lecture, and this boy said it was amazing what she told ’em about blood pressure and things ’e didn’t even know ’e ’ad. She showed ’em pictures, coloured pictures, of what ’appens inside the injudicious eater’s stummick who doesn’t chew his food, and it was like a battlefield! ’E said ’e would no more think of eatin’ a lot of pie than ’e would of shootin’ ’imself, and anyhow eating pie would be a quicker death. I reasoned with ’im, Mr. Moffam, with tears in my eyes. I asked ’im was he goin’ to chuck away fame and wealth just because a woman who didn’t know what she was talking about had shown him a lot of faked pictures. But there wasn’t any doin’ anything with him. ’E give me the knock and ’opped it down the street to buy nuts.” Mr. Blake moaned. “Two ’undred dollars and more gone pop, not to talk of the fifty dollars ’e would have won and me to get twenty-five of!”

Archie took his tobacco and walked pensively back to the hotel. He was fond of Jno. Blake, and grieved for the trouble that had come upon him. It was odd, he felt, how things seemed to link themselves up together. The woman who had delivered the fateful lecture to injudicious eaters could not be other than the mother of his young guest of last night. An uncomfortable woman! Not content with starving her own family⁠—Archie stopped in his tracks. A pedestrian, walking behind him, charged into his back, but Archie paid no attention. He had had one of those sudden, luminous ideas, which help a man who does not do much thinking as a rule to restore his average. He stood there for a moment, almost dizzy at the brilliance of his thoughts; then hurried on. Napoleon, he mused as he walked, must have felt rather like this after thinking up a hot one to spring on the enemy.

As if Destiny were suiting her plans to his, one of the first persons he saw as he entered the lobby of the Cosmopolis was the long boy. He was standing at the bookstall, reading as much of a morning paper as could be read free under the vigilant eyes of the presiding girl. Both he and she were observing the unwritten rules which govern these affairs⁠—to wit, that you may read without interference as much as can be read without touching the paper. If you touch the paper, you lose, and have to buy.

“Well, well, well!” said Archie. “Here we are again, what!” He prodded the boy amiably in the lower ribs. “You’re just the chap I was looking for. Got anything on for the time being?”

The boy said he had no engagements.

“Then I want you to stagger round with me to a chappie I know on Sixth Avenue. It’s only a couple of blocks away. I think I can do you a bit of good. Put you on to something tolerably ripe, if you know what I mean. Trickle along, laddie. You don’t need a hat.”

They found Mr. Blake brooding over his troubles in an empty shop.

“Cheer up, old thing!” said Archie. “The relief expedition has arrived.” He directed his companion’s gaze to the poster. “Cast your eye over that. How does that strike you?”

The long boy scanned the poster. A gleam appeared in his rather dull eye.

“Well?”

“Some people have all the luck!” said the long boy, feelingly.

“Would you like to compete, what?”

The boy smiled a sad smile.

“Would I! Would I! Say!⁠ ⁠…”

“I know,” interrupted Archie. “Wake you up in the night and ask you! I knew I could rely on you, old thing.” He turned to Mr. Blake. “Here’s the fellow you’ve been wanting to meet. The finest left-and-right-hand eater east of the Rockies! He’ll fight the good fight for you.”

Mr. Blake’s English training had not been wholly overcome by residence in New York. He still retained a nice eye for the distinctions of class.

“But this young gentleman’s a young gentleman,” he urged, doubtfully, yet with hope shining in his eye. “He wouldn’t do it.”

“Of course, he would. Don’t be ridic, old thing.”

“Wouldn’t do what?” asked the boy.

“Why save the old homestead by taking on the champion. Dashed sad case, between ourselves! This poor egg’s nominee has given him the raspberry at the eleventh hour, and only you can save him. And you owe it to him to do something you know, because it was your jolly old mater’s lecture last night that made the nominee quit. You must charge in and take his place. Sort of poetic justice, don’t you know, and whatnot!” He turned to Mr. Blake. “When is the conflict supposed to start? Two-thirty? You haven’t any important engagement for two-thirty, have you?”

“No. Mother’s lunching at some ladies’ club, and giving a lecture afterwards. I can slip away.”

Archie patted his head.

“Then leg it where glory waits you, old bean!”

The long boy was gazing earnestly at the poster. It seemed to fascinate him.

“Pie!” he said in a hushed voice.

The word was like a battle-cry.

XXII Washy Steps Into the Hall of Fame

At about nine o’clock next morning, in a suite at the Hotel Cosmopolis, Mrs. Cora Bates McCall, the eminent lecturer on Rational Eating, was seated at breakfast with her family. Before her sat Mr. McCall, a little hunted-looking man, the natural peculiarities