All the Little Things Sarah Lawton (red white royal blue TXT) 📖

or even heard from him at all. I’m furious all over at the thought that he somehow might have tricked me into having sex, then ghosted me. I can feel the rage stabbing into my body, singing in my head, trying to provoke me into a storm. I’m lying on my bed trying to do a meditation exercise like the ones we had to do at the hospital, but it’s not working. I’m breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, but I can feel the air. It’s like it’s squirming into my body, hot and alive, and it’s making me feel even worse. I grit my teeth until my jaw throbs with pain. I refuse to believe that he has just used me for sex. It’s not happening to me.

I need to get ready for school. I shower, dress, and the routine takes the edge off. The walk through the woods will calm me down. I’m tempted to go to the stream first, it’s still early enough, but I don’t want to spoil all the memories I’ve made there this weekend, so I will just go to school as normal, as new normal anyway. I will try and make Serena and Tilly understand that I can be Molly now. She’s left them, hasn’t she? Left them to fend for themselves, but they don’t need to if they have me. We can still be the popular girls. I can be Molly. Better than Molly, once Alex comes back.

They aren’t waiting for me near reception like they should be. I wait on my own for ten minutes, like an idiot. They’ve already gone into class. They did this yesterday too, but I thought that maybe it was because it was Tilly’s first day back since her stupid brother died. Why haven’t they waited for me today? Serena always waits for me and Molly while Tilly gets a lift, or she used to. Things have changed, I have to expect that, but they still should have waited for me.

I walk in pretending that nothing’s wrong. ‘Hi, guys.’

‘Hi,’ says Serena, without a smile. She angles her body slightly away from me, facing Tilly like she’s protecting her, blocking me out.

‘Thanks for your messages by the way, Vivian. They really helped me last week,’ Tilly murmurs in her rusty new voice.

I’m confused. ‘What messages?’

They just look at each other, and then ignore me. It dawns on me that maybe I should have been messaging or calling Tilly to ask her how she was after Tristan’s accident. I just didn’t want to. I didn’t know what to say. I should have asked Molly what to do, damn it. It’s not just me, though, is it? There’s a ring of silence around Tilly, like she’s exerting this forcefield that no one wants to enter. I saw Chloe actually turn around and walk the other way when she caught sight of her yesterday after lunch. It’s like she’s diseased. I still can’t believe her idiot brother actually managed to go and die. How fast was he going, anyway? It’s his own fault he’s dead, speeding in that crappy car. I almost tell Tilly this, just to see the look on her face, but I keep it in, tickling in my mouth. I imagine her reaction instead. Pale shock. The scar on her nose standing out in a silvery band, each freckle popping out. She hates them, her freckles. We used to tease her and say she sunbathed under a sieve, and she used to cry. It’s harder to make them cry now, but I’m sure I could manage.

The end of registration saves any tears and the rest of the day is boring. I have two mock exams, which I didn’t bother revising for. There’s no point, really, as I already know all the answers – they’re easy. I hope A levels are harder than these, or I’ll be bored to death before I even get to leave school. Everyone else is moaning and groaning and saying they’ve definitely failed. They probably haven’t. I hate that you’re meant to pretend you are stupid, like it’s a thing, to want to be seen as not clever.

The bell whines for the end of the day and there’s the usual mob stampede to leave. I see Serena and Tilly’s shiny blonde heads make their way down the path. They didn’t wait for me again. I can feel annoyance unfurling in my stomach, and I try and breathe it away. I don’t understand why they are doing this. Are they not worried that Molly will come back and that they will have offended me, Molly’s best friend? Or is this a planned break-up of the group? Do they think they are in charge now? It hurts my head thinking about it. I still don’t have any messages from Alex.

I’m holding my phone when it goes off in my hand, and I almost drop it, and do an embarrassing slippy catch thing, but luckily no one is watching me.

I hope it’s Alex, but it isn’t – it’s Abi. Molly must have given her my number for emergencies. She wants me to go over and talk to her about Molly running off. This is going to suck. I walk slowly through the woods and past the back of my house. I peer into the garden but Mum isn’t in the studio, she must be out or in the house. I don’t text her to tell her where I’m going. I can feel the threads that tie us together, that smother me, starting to fray and snap, slowly, slowly. I think she would like to keep me here for ever as a child under her watch, safe as she sees it in this tiny hole of a village. I don’t want to be safe, it’s stifling. I can’t wait to get out and start again, and forget about everything that ever happened here, except for Alex. Who still hasn’t called me. I will