The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

knots, made bona fide, as Obadiah made his;⁠⸺⁠in which there is no quibbling provision made by the duplication and return of the two ends of the strings thro’ the annulus or noose made by the second implication of them⁠—to get them slipp’d and undone by.⁠—I hope you apprehend me.

In the case of these knots then, and of the several obstructions, which, may it please your reverences, such knots cast in our way in getting through life⁠⸺⁠every hasty man can whip out his penknife and cut through them.⁠⸺’Tis wrong. Believe me, Sirs, the most virtuous way, and which both reason and conscience dictate⁠⸺⁠is to take our teeth or our fingers to them.⁠⸺⁠Dr. Slop had lost his teeth⁠—his favourite instrument, by extracting in a wrong direction, or by some misapplication of it, unfortunately slipping, he had formerly, in a hard labour, knock’d out three of the best of them with the handle of it:⁠⸻he tried his fingers⁠—alas; the nails of his fingers and thumbs were cut close.⁠⸺⁠The duce take it! I can make nothing of it either way, cried Dr. Slop.⁠⸺⁠The trampling overhead near my mother’s bedside increased.⁠—Pox take the fellow! I shall never get the knots untied as long as I live.⁠⸺⁠My mother gave a groan.⁠⸺⁠Lend me your penknife⁠⸺⁠I must e’en cut the knots at last⁠⸺⁠pugh!⁠⸺⁠psha!⁠—Lord! I have cut my thumb quite across to the very bone⁠⸺⁠curse the fellow⁠—if there was not another man-midwife within fifty miles⁠⸺⁠I am undone for this bout⁠—I wish the scoundrel hang’d⁠—I wish he was shot⁠⸺⁠I wish all the devils in hell had him for a blockhead!⁠⸻

My father had a great respect for Obadiah, and could not bear to hear him disposed of in such a manner⁠—he had moreover some little respect for himself⁠—and could as ill bear with the indignity offered to himself in it.

Had Dr. Slop cut any part about him, but his thumb⁠⸺⁠my father had pass’d it by⁠—his prudence had triumphed: as it was, he was determined to have his revenge.

Small curses, Dr. Slop, upon great occasions, quoth my father (condoling with him first upon the accident), are but so much waste of our strength and soul’s health to no manner of purpose.⁠—I own it, replied Dr. Slop.⁠—They are like sparrow-shot, quoth my uncle Toby (suspending his whistling), fired against a bastion.⁠⸺⁠They serve, continued my father, to stir the humours⁠⸺⁠but carry off none of their acrimony:⁠—for my own part, I seldom swear or curse at all⁠—I hold it bad⁠⸺⁠but if I fall into it by surprise, I generally retain so much presence of mind (right, quoth my uncle Toby) as to make it answer my purpose⁠⸺⁠that is, I swear on till I find myself easy. A wise and a just man however would always endeavour to proportion the vent given to these humours, not only to the degree of them stirring within himself⁠—but to the size and ill intent of the offence upon which they are to fall.⁠—“Injuries come only from the heart,”⁠—quoth my uncle Toby. For this reason, continued my father, with the most Cervantick gravity, I have the greatest veneration in the world for that gentleman, who, in distrust of his own discretion in this point, sat down and composed (that is at his leisure) fit forms of swearing suitable to all cases, from the lowest to the highest provocation which could possibly happen to him⁠⸺⁠which forms being well considered by him, and such moreover as he could stand to, he kept them ever by him on the chimneypiece, within his reach, ready for use.⁠—I never apprehended, replied Dr. Slop, that such a thing was ever thought of⁠⸺⁠much less executed. I beg your pardon, answered my father; I was reading, though not using, one of them to my brother Toby this morning, whilst he pour’d out the tea⁠—’tis here upon the shelf over my head;⁠—but if I remember right, ’tis too violent for a cut of the thumb.⁠—Not at all, quoth Dr. Slop⁠—the devil take the fellow.⁠⸺⁠Then, answered my father, ’Tis much at your service, Dr. Slop⁠—on condition you will read it aloud;⁠⸺⁠so rising up and reaching down a form of excommunication of the church of Rome, a copy of which, my father (who was curious in his collections) had procured out of the leger-book of the church of Rochester, writ by Ernulphus the bishop⁠⸺⁠with a most affected seriousness of look and voice, which might have cajoled Ernulphus himself⁠—he put it into Dr. Slop’s hands.⁠⸺⁠Dr. Slop wrapt his thumb up in the corner of his handkerchief, and with a wry face, though without any suspicion, read aloud, as follows⁠⸻my uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero as loud as he could all the time.

Textus de Ecclesiâ Roffensi, per Ernulfum Episcopum.

XI Excommunicatio7

Ex auctoritate Dei omnipotentis, Patris, et Filij, et Spiritus Sancti, et sanctorum canonum, sanctæque et intemeratæ Virginis Dei genetricis Mariæ,⁠—

⸻Atque omnium cœlestium virtutum, angelorum, archangelorum, thronorum, dominationum, potestatuum, cherubin ac seraphin, & sanctorum patriarchum, prophetarum, & omnium apostolorum & evangelistarum, & sanctorum innocentum, qui in conspectu Agni soli digni inventi sunt canticum cantare novum, et sanctorum martyrum et sanctorum confessorum, et sanctarum virginum, atque omnium simul sanctorum et electorum Dei,⁠⸺⁠Excommunicamus, et anathematizamus huncvel os furems, vel huncvel os malefactorems, N. N. et a liminibus sanctæ Dei ecclesiæ sequestramus, et æternis suppliciis excruciandusvel i, mancipeturn, cum Dathan et Abiram, et cum his qui dixerunt Domino Deo, Recede à nobis, scientiam viarum tuarum nolumus: et sicut aquâ ignis extinguitur, sic extinguatur lucerna ejusvel eorum in secula seculorum nisi resipueritn, et ad satisfactionem veneritn. Amen.

Maledicat illumos Deus Pater qui hominem creavit. Maledicat illumos Dei Filius qui pro homine passus est. Maledicat illumos Spiritus Sanctus qui in baptismo effusus est. Maledicat illumos sancta crux, quam Christus pro nostrâ salute hostem triumphans ascendit.

Maledicat illumos sancta Dei genetrix et perpetua Virgo Maria. Maledicat illumos sanctus Michael, animarum susceptor sacrarum. Maledicant illum omnes angeli et archangeli, principatus et potestates, omnisque militia cœlestis.

Maledicat illumos patriarcharum et prophetarum laudabilis numerus. Maledicat illumos sanctus Johannes Præcusor et Baptista Christi, et sanctus Petrus, et sanctus Paulus, atque sanctus Andreas, omnesque Christi apostoli, simul et cæteri discipuli, quatuor quoque evangelistæ, qui sua prædicatione mundum universum converterunt. Maledicat illumos cuneus martyrum et confessorum mirificus, qui Deo bonis operibus placitus inventus est.

Maledicant illumos sacrarum virginum chori,