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While clearly you will not share Tom’s enthusiasm or admiration for Wayne’s activities, neither must you show your true shock or horror. The fact that Tom is telling you at all is very positive: it means he feels comfortable with you and the line of communication is still open. Listen to what he tells you and when he stops (he is waiting for your reaction) say evenly something like,‘I’m glad you don’t drink to the extent Wayne does. I expect he will be feeling very sorry for himself today.’This is not confrontational and shows that you have considered what Tom has told you rather than just dismissing it out of hand. It won’t put Tom on the defensive, as there is no criticism; indeed there is praise for Tom’s responsible drinking. Tom won’t be able to disagree with your statement about Wayne suffering from drinking to excess; indeed the chances are Tom has already received a text from Wayne to that effect.

Likewise, if sixteen-year-old Claire tells you, with some relish, that her friend Tracey is allowed to wear make-up for school, go clubbing every Friday and Saturday night until 4.00 a.m. and have her boyfriend sleep over (all of which some sixteen-year-old girls do), then you can nod in appreciation that she has told you and say,‘I’m so pleased you don’t. I’d be very worried if you did.’This acknowledges that Claire has the responsibility for making her own decisions and that she has made the correct one, and that you admire and respect her for it.

Provide a relaxing and welcoming atmosphere when your older teen brings friends home, but at the same time don’t give them the run of the house or have your rules compromised. Music blaring at 1.00 a.m. if you have to be up for work the following morning is not acceptable, and you will need to tell Tom (or Claire) and their friends that the music should be turned down. Similarly don’t let your teen and their friends take over the house when you are not there. This may be more difficult, as many parents arrive home from work after their teen has returned from school or college. Repeat the boundaries of acceptable behaviour to your teen and don’t let your home become a drop-in centre, which it can easily do – a nice warm comfortable house with no adults can be a magnet for teens to gather in. Tell your teen what is acceptable. For example, Tom or Claire can have their friends round after school a couple of times a week but not every day.

If your teen and their friends are not respectful of your property when you are absent, with stains appearing on the carpet and the fridge stripped bare, then tell them that if this behaviour doesn’t stop they will have their friends home only when you are present. It’s not harsh; it is reasonable. Tell your teen that when they have friends round they are responsible for their friend’s behaviour and you expect them to monitor it and uphold your house rules. If you take off your shoes when coming into the house, for instance, then expect Tom or Claire to ask their friends to do the same. If your teen is not allowed to use your laptop, then they need to remember this when they have friends round.

As when your teen was younger and had friends in, if everyone knows what is expected, it makes for a more relaxed and homely atmosphere. Friends feel included as part of the family and you don’t have to seethe in silence, uncomfortable about correcting unacceptable behaviour and wishing their friends would go.

Smoking, alcohol and drug abuse

Alcohol, cigarettes and non-prescription drugs will become an issue for all teens at some point, even if it is only to refuse them. A recent study in the UK showed that by the age of sixteen, 31 per cent of girls and 16 per cent of boys are regularly smoking. A similar figure was found in the US, with 80 per cent of adult smokers having started smoking by the age of eighteen. In the UK 28 per cent of eighteen-year-olds are drinking regularly (more than two drinking sessions a week) and often drinking to excess. A recent survey in the UK found that 42 per cent of boys and 35 per cent of girls admitted they had tried illegal drugs at least once by the age of sixteen. These issues are part of our society and cannot be ignored.

Drinking alcohol is an intrinsic part of many cultures and a social pursuit in itself – going out for a drink or ‘down the pub’ is a social meeting point. Alcohol is also used to celebrate most special occasions from ‘wetting the baby’s head’ to weddings, birthdays and finally the wake after the funeral. If your teen is going to drink alcohol, which the majority will at some point, teach them how to drink sensibly. One of the best ways to do this is to set a good example. It’s no good admonishing your teen for staggering home drunk if that’s what you and your partner do every Friday and Saturday night. If your teen does come home legless, and throws up on the hall carpet, don’t remonstrate with them while they are under the influence: at best it will be a waste of everyone’s time, and at worse it could develop into an ugly scene. Put your drunk teen to bed, safely on their side so that they don’t choke, with a bucket within reach, and leave discussion until the following day, when they will be more coherent and more receptive to what you have to say.

If drinking to excess becomes a regular pastime for your teen, then you need to tighten the guidelines and do some serious talking. When your teen is sober, explain to them the effects that binge drinking is having on their body, and that not only is