Spycraft Academy B. Miles (new ebook reader txt) 📖

Mattie shook her head and finally looked up from her shoes. "No! I would never trick you like that, and we do belong to each other...I just...well, you know how..."

She made a sound of frustration and scrubbed at her cheeks. "I can't explain it. But something just feels right about this. I saw the way you were looking at Rosin. I saw the way you looked at Drina. I knew you wanted them, so I watched them closer than I usually do with new crew members and I...I started wanting them to want you too. Then I wanted them. I wanted to feel connected to them, for them to feel connected to you, for all of us to just...to be a part of each other, if that makes sense."

It didn't, really. And yet it did at the same time. Logically, he understood her words, but this just wasn't the Mattie he had known his whole life.

"Want is one thing. Want isn't need," he said slowly. "Your want doesn't explain why you need to feel that close to your crew members. You weren't kissing the other guys back home and letting us share you, so why are you kissing the girls and letting them share me? I try to put myself in your shoes to figure out why you do the things you do, and most of the time I can understand why you make certain decisions, but in this I'm lost. What is it that you're trying to get from this...connection you want us all to have? Help me understand, please, because you're confusing me."

Mattie took a deep breath. "Love," she said, "belonging. Security. Trust. Freedom."

"And you don't think you could have these things without encouraging the man you're in love with to be disloyal?"

"It's not disloyalty," Mattie said, her voice firm. "And while I probably can have the things I need without including Drina and Rosin in our relationship...I would just rather not."

Sam tried to process what she was saying but it still wasn't making any sense. He was the one who was reaping most of the rewards. Drina may desire Mattie and shower her with affection and attention, but as far as he could tell, Rosin didn’t have eyes for her. How would sharing Sam fulfill her? What did she get out of it?

Mattie took a small step toward him. "And I was hoping that you would want this too."

"But why?" His voice sounded remarkably small. Almost vulnerable. He had to know, he had to understand why.

"Because I'm greedy," she said with a self-deprecating smile. "I want you. I want Drina. And now I want Rosin too. I want you because I'm in love with you and have always been, because you're remarkable and stronger than you know. I want Drina because she makes my knees weak, makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world. I want Rosin because she's sweet. And she's beautiful. And the thought of touching her makes me...I just want. And I've never been able to have the things that I want, so when the opportunity presented itself, I didn't think about the 'why,' only that if I didn't take what I wanted now, the opportunity would pass me by."

Sam didn't say anything. What could he say? He didn't disagree with her. In fact, he agreed with her completely. But something in him fought against it. What would people say? It gave his enemies more people to target. It meant that more people could break his heart. It meant more complications if one of them was angry at another. What if one of them got jealous? What if one of them wanted to bring somebody else into the crew? What if one of them assumed that because they were all sharing each other, they could bring another man into the fold? Sam didn't think that he would be able to contain himself if one of them did that. He didn't want to share any of them, so why was he okay, thrilled even, at the prospect of being shared by them?

He was a bloody hypocrite. He was just as greedy as Mattie.

"Sam," Mattie said, "can you just do me a favor and try? If it doesn't work out, if it gets weird, if you don't like it, we'll stop, I promise. But for now, just let me have what I need."

Just do it, his mind whispered.

"Okay," he breathed. The smile she gave him was blinding.

"Is there anybody else?" He suddenly asked, fearing her answer.

Mattie's smile dimmed and she bit her lip. "Yeah."

She was insatiable.

"Who?

Mattie shook her head. "It doesn't matter. Nothing will come of it."

"Keeping secrets now, are we?" He tried to lighten the mood, but then her eyes flashed and she stared into his face intently.

"Is there anybody you want?" She took another step close to him and he sputtered. Prin's sweet smile bled into his imagination and he forced himself to think about Delcan so he didn't blurt anything damning.

"What? No! I have three..." He stopped talking. What even were these women? How could this relationship be articulated? Were they his crewmembers, his lovers, his girlfriends? Should he ask them to be with him like he asked Mattie? Were they committed to Mattie and Sam? Were Mattie and Sam committed to them? There were so many unanswered questions, questions that needed answers before this went any further.

"You know, it's okay, Sam," Maddy said, shuffling closer. "It's okay to be a little greedy "

Her hand slipped up to his chest and rested above his beating heart.

She whispered, "Sometimes I lay in bed at night and think about all of us with you. We'd bring you to the edge, over and over again, tearing down those walls that I still can't get past, even after all these years, forcing you to realize that somebody does love you, somebody does care, that somebody wants to take care of you, just like