Fish: A Memoir of a Boy in Man's Prison T. Parsell (ebook reader play store .txt) 📖

the bed. Since I was leaving the next day, I knew he wanted me, but this time was different. Sex with him was still an obligation, but at least lately he had jerked me off while he fucked me, which helped ease the pain-or at least helped take my mind off getting fucked. But this time, he didn't touch my dick, and I was afraid to ask why.

Each thrust seemed to have an edge of desperation to it. It was as if he held on, for as long as he could, to make each small movement last forever. He kissed my neck, and sniffed my hair. My sweat mixed with his and hung in the air. As always, he was gentle. His lips and scratchy stubble, felt warm on the side of my face.

When he was done, I laid there looking deeply at him while he stared back at me. There was a wide range of expression in his eyes. They glittered, like the time he looked up at me from the baseball diamond and called me Squeeze for the first time. They were intense, like when he chased me to my room and slammed me against the locker and then stuck his tongue down my throat. I remembered how I first struggled uncomfortably as the object of his stare. I didn't understand what he was asking for, when he talked about his feelings for me. Though I still wasn't sure, I knew he kept me safe and that nothing bad ever happened to me under his watchful eye. At least not yet, anyway. Did he know about Scatter? I couldn't tell. His eyes were shining on me now, as we spent these last few moments together.

"I know I'll be back," I said. "You'll see."

In spite of everything I'd told to myself earlier about not wanting to cone back. In that moment-I really did. I felt cared about, and maybe I was feeling grateful to him.

His expression looked sad again, and I wished I could do something to ease him.

"You know I'm gonna miss you," he said.

I didn't know what to say. His mood suddenly felt heavy.

"Did you hear what I said?"

I nodded, but I wanted to check out, because I still didn't know how to handle his feelings. Goodbyes were never easy for me, especially after my mom left us behind. I think Slide Step may have felt the same way since his mom essentially did the same thing to him-even though he never told me this directly. There was a tenderness we both felt, but some things could never be expressed in prison-no matter what was going on.

I wasn't always a quick read of people, and I was still operating from the haze of my youth, but the danger of prison was teaching me to pay close attention to subtleties. I usually captured certain gestures in people and then recorded it in my head. I would study them, become aware of their moods and expressions-mostly to see if there was danger-but then I'd slip away again. I'd go off into my thoughts and fantasies, to my own world where things were different. But even then, on some level, part of me was still paying attention. I'd pick up on what was said, or not said, even though I wasn't thinking about it at the time. I'd record it, like on an eight-track tape, and then listen to the threads later on, when I thought it was safe. But something sad was registering in Slide Step's eyes, and maybe it was because I was leaving, and they were right-I wasn't coming back here. I wondered what Slide Step would do after I was gone, and that's when the idea came to me: What about Brett?

"What about Brett?" Slide Step said.

"Well, I was thinking that maybe you and he could get together. Who knows if Chet will ever get out of the hole, and Brett's going to need somebody to protect him."

"I can't believe you're talking to me about hooking up with Brett," Slide Step said. "Isn't Brett your boy?"

I smiled and looked down.

"You seemed to have gotten over him pretty fast. What happened?"

"Nothing."

"C'mon. You were so gah-gah over him for the longest time. It became a joke. And now you're completely over him? That's not the Timmy I know."

I grinned, not knowing what to say. "It's just that I saw him in the poolroom today and he looked pretty lost, that's all. What's he gonna do now that Chet's gone?"

"Someone will pick him up. That's for sure."

"Is Red coming back?"

"You'd want to see him go to Red? You must really be over him!"

"No! I'd hate to see Red get him. Are you kidding?"

"So you do still care about him? Uh, huh. There's my Timmy!"

He started tickling me.

"Stop it," I laughed, struggling to catch my breath. "I do not. It's just that I'm thinking about you too and what would happen if I don't come back here."

Slide Step leaned back on his side and gently took hold of a lock of my hair. "I'm going to miss you. That's what would happen to me."

"Won't you need another boy?"

"I'm gonna miss you," he repeated, tugging on my hair.

"Me too," I said, but I was focusing on another thought.

"No you're not. You're gonna be with you."

"Ha ha," I mocked. "I'll miss you too, but that's not my point. I'm gonna be back here, anyway, so it doesn't matter. I'm thinking about you, so why not take Brett, so you'll have someone to keep you company until I'm back? Manley said I'd have to go through Quarantine again, so it could take a couple of months."

My feelings about Brett keeping Slide Step company had as much to do with my feelings for Brett as well as Slide Step. Slide Step had been good to me so I knew he would be gentle with Brett too. It also made me happy to know that the two of them were together. Slide Step wouldn't be