Christmas to Come: a heartbreaking coming of age saga set in London's East End Carol Rivers (best sales books of all time .txt) 📖

had been too embarrassed to say that Micky didn't seem to be interested in love-making these days. She felt it was her fault somehow and always tried to look nice to please him. But the end result was, when they did make love, she was tense and the enjoyment was replaced by anxiety. Dr Cox had told her that when she stopped wanting a baby so much, one would come along. She hoped he was right.

'Bella, can I ask you something?' Dolly's voice broke into her thoughts. 'I was wondering if young Michael ever asked about his granny.'

Bella was taken aback by this. She never discussed Mary and had no inclination to do so. 'He doesn't know he's got one, does he?' she replied a little shortly.

'But when he goes to school, the other kids will talk about theirs. What are you going to tell him?'

Bella shrugged. 'I don't know.'

'Have you thought much about it?'

'Course I have, Dolly. But what's the use? I can't provide a granny for Michael by waving a magic wand. And anyway, he's got plenty of uncles and that's more than enough for now.' Bella looked at her friend. 'Sorry, I didn't mean to snap.'

'It's just that we don't ever talk about your mum. And we're best friends. We talk about everything else.'

Bella knew Dolly was being kind and would be willing to listen to anything that Bella had to confide. But Mary was a sensitive subject and one that Bella didn't even like thinking about herself because it was too painful. 'The truth is Dolly, I'm content with my life now. I have everything I want. A wonderful husband, a gorgeous little boy and family and friends. Bow Street seems like a bad dream. When I think of what that man did to me and Terry I feel physically sick. After all he put us through, I don't think I can ever forgive him. As for Mum, she didn't want us, didn't she? All I'm trying to do is forget.'

'I understand.' Dolly nodded at once. 'I'd feel the same if it was me.' She paused, looking at Bella from the corner of her eyes. 'So you don't ever think about going round to visit?'

Bella rolled her eyes. 'And have the door slammed in my face again?'

'She might not. Not if young Michael was with you. He's her first grandchild after all.'

'What would I say?'

Dolly shrugged. ' "Hello, Mum, this is Michael, your grandson." At least you would have given her a chance.'

'Oh, Dolly, I don't know. I can hear Micky telling me I was asking for trouble.'

'I suppose you're right.' Dolly bit her lip, a sure sign that she was reluctant to say what she was about to say. 'But if you change your mind, me and the girls will go with you. Your mum would have to think twice with the lot of us standing on the doorstep.' She laughed nervously as one of the grips fell out of her untidy hair and she pushed it back into place again.

'I don't know, Dolly. Even if she invited us in, he'd be there.'

Dolly shuddered. 'Yes, but it's your mum you're going to see, Bella, not him.'

Bella was silent, her thoughts in turmoil. Dolly was forcing her to consider something she would prefer to ignore. She had buried her fear and loathing of the man by sealing off her feelings for Mary. But her friend was right. Michael would ask after his granny when he went to school. In fact, she was surprised he hadn't already as all his little friends had grannies.

It was a lovely day, with the market in full swing as shoppers strolled lazily through it. The fruit and vegetable stall was under siege by its customers and the jewellery and watches had also drawn a crowd. The air was heavy with the smell of overripe vegetables and horse dung mixed with a waft of disinfectant from the public lavatories.

'I appreciate you saying you'd come with me, Dol,' Bella said gratefully.

'You'd do the same for me, wouldn't you?'

'Course I would,' Bella insisted.

'Mum and Dad love it when you bring Michael round.'

Bella often saw Mr and Mrs Taylor at Dolly's house. They always gave her and Michael a warm welcome and amused the children whilst she and Dolly had a quiet chat in the kitchen. They still laughed when Mr Taylor told the children about Doctor Carrot and Potato Pete. But Raymond was a sore subject with Micky. Although Ray had lost his job at the PLA and moved to Southend to work on the funfairs, Micky had refused point blank to go to Dolly's wedding. She had been forced to tell a barefaced lie to Dolly, saying Micky was ill and unable to attend.

'I'll consider what you said about Mum, Dol,' Bella agreed, but as they went on their way, she knew she didn't want to see Bow Street again. Her life seemed far removed from what it had been as a child. And Michael hadn't asked any questions yet, she told herself quickly. As Micky often remarked, love for today and let tomorrow take care of itself.

It was Sunday and Bella's kitchen was filled with succulent cooking smells. Whilst Gina set out the sausage rolls, lifting them cleanly from the greased cake tins on to the rack, Bella poured out the lemonade.

'I wish my pastry turned out so crispy and brown,' Bella said wistfully. 'It's not a bit like yours.'

'Course it is. You are a good cook now, girl, even though I say it myself. I taught you well.'

'You taught me everything I know.'

'I still miss you,' Gina said with a sigh. 'Little Tina's a treasure and Lenny pulls his weight, but the two of them put together don't fill your shoes, love.'

Bella knew that Gina meant what she said and she smiled. 'Tina is a sweet girl, Gina. She's a good waitress and likes the customers.'

Now it was Gina's turn to smile. 'Likes them too much, that's the trouble.