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on the floor, and they walked into her bedroom. He had been very circumspect while her family was there, but they were alone in the house now and he couldn’t wait to get her clothes off and make love to her.

They jumped into her bed together, while they laughed and kissed, and dropped their clothes on the floor. He was starving for her, as he demonstrated amply, and their walk in the orchard was forgotten.

Chapter 15

Sister Mary Joseph stayed at the retreat house in Vermont for two weeks, until she couldn’t stand it any longer. She was longing to talk to someone, and hear someone else’s thoughts instead of the voice in her own head. Two weeks of silence had been challenging. She sent Mother Elizabeth an email at the end of two weeks and told her she wanted to come home. And the mother superior emailed her back and told her she could come home whenever she wanted to. She was free to leave. She wasn’t incarcerated there or being punished, although it had felt that way.

She emailed Melissa the morning she left, and told her she was going back to the city, and could speak again. The silent retreat had ended. The entire house followed a vow of silence, which Hattie had found extremely trying. In all her years in the convent she had never done that before, except for a day or a few hours. Two weeks of it had nearly driven her crazy. She knew that some people liked it and found it restful, but she wasn’t one of them. They had people come there from Boston and New York, not in religious orders, to do silent retreats. It made Hattie feel more anxious, but as she packed her small bag to go home, she knew what she wanted to tell Mother Elizabeth. So maybe the retreat had served its purpose to help her know her own mind.

The drive back to the city took six hours on snowy roads. There was a shuttle that traveled between various convents, when people signed up for them. They had sent one for Hattie. The driver was extremely cautious, and Hattie thought it made the trip home even longer than it had to be. She was grateful when she saw the lights of the city. She felt a lot better now than she had when she’d left. She had felt paralyzed by the intense police interrogation, and all she wanted was to disappear for a while. Now that she had, she was ready to return, and couldn’t wait to get back to work at the hospital. She longed for normal life again, and the trauma of the rape had receded back into memory, and didn’t seem quite so vivid. She felt back in control as she walked up the familiar steps of the convent. The other nuns were happy to see her. She unpacked her bag, and was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt when she went down to dinner. The first person she saw in the refectory was Mother Elizabeth.

“Welcome back.” The superior smiled at her. She could see immediately in her eyes that Hattie was feeling better. She wondered if she had come to some kind of decision. “How was it?” Mother Elizabeth asked with a look of interest.

“Long,” Hattie answered, and they both laughed. “I would never have made it in a silent order.”

“Neither would I,” Mother Elizabeth admitted, “but it does one good from time to time.” Hattie was just glad it was over. “Why don’t you come and see me in the morning and we’ll talk about it.” She wanted to know how Hattie was feeling now, and what she was thinking. Speaking up about the rape had been a painful revelation. “I’ll expect you at seven-thirty, after breakfast.” Hattie agreed and went to help herself to dinner, and the other nuns had joined them when she came back with her tray and sat down. She already knew what she was going to tell the superior in the morning. She had made the decision at the retreat house in Vermont.

She dreamt of it that night, woke at four a.m., dressed for Mass, and went to the chapel early so she could pray about it.

She ate half a bowl of oatmeal after Mass, and hurried to the superior’s office. Mother Elizabeth was already at her desk, when Hattie knelt and kissed her ring.

“Good morning, Sister Mary Joe.” She was in her nursing habit, ready for work, as Mother Elizabeth peered over her glasses at her. “You may sit down.” Hattie slid into a chair facing her across the desk, like a schoolgirl. “It’s nice to have you back. Is there something you want to tell me?” Hattie nodded, cowed by her for a minute, and quickly told herself she was doing the right thing.

“I prayed about it a lot while I was in Vermont. I want to leave, Mother.”

“Under what circumstances, and to where?”

“I want to be released from my vows and go back to Africa.” The superior had expected it and wasn’t surprised. The relief on the younger nun’s face had suggested to her that she was going to ask to be released from her vows.

“What makes you think that’s the right answer?” she challenged her.

“I feel better since I made the decision.”

Mother Elizabeth nodded, unconvinced. She had heard it all before from others, and in her opinion, leaving the convent was never the right answer. She had thought of it once when she was younger herself, after a disagreement with her own mother superior.

“You don’t have to give up your vows to go to Africa. We can send you there again if you want. Giving up one’s vows is not about geography, or changing jobs. It’s about no longer believing in the principles you promised to uphold. Are you upset with either poverty, chastity, or obedience?” she asked her pointedly, and Hattie shook her head.

“No, Mother, I’m