Club You to Death Anuja Chauhan (best ebook reader for ubuntu .TXT) 📖

you’re going to have to take a few health risks in the next few days, in that case. I can’t buy you much time.’

Bhavani’s face clears up at once. He beams at his superior. ‘Thank you, sir!’

‘Theek hai, theek hai,’ the chief waves away this effusive response. ‘Might I ask what you plan to do next?’

‘Of course, sir. Our most immediate plan is to send vakeel Akash Dogra and Bambi ji to a TVVS party.’

‘Can you imagine, Papa humay Disneyland le ja rahen hai!’ Kalra’s voice is delirious with joy. ‘After all these years! I can’t believe it!’

‘Shut up, Kalra,’ Kashi says gruffly. ‘Act like a grown-up please.’

‘But I can’t, Dogra.’ Kalra, dressed in a white polo tee and denim Bermudas shakes his head dreamily. ‘This drive to Chhatarpur has reactivated all my randiest thirteen-year-old fantasies. That’s why we friended this fucker in class seven, isn’t it, Walli?’

‘Correct!’ Walli, in his tightest red shirt and partying black pants, rubs his hands together with glee. ‘We were two hopeful young small-town chomus, and Dogra was the Delhi buoy who was gonna invite us over in the summer and take us to farmhouse parties with swimming pools full of hot TVVS chicks! It’s taken twelve years but he’s finally opened the gates to hook-up paradise!’

Kashi, sitting between his friends in his cleanest vee-neck navy-blue tee, turns to give them a dirty look each.

‘I’m not your fucking pimp, guys. These girls are my childhood friends – and remember, you’re technically gate-crashers—’

‘Balls! We heard Sia on the phone! She said’ – Walli puts on a cooing ‘female’ voice – ‘“Bring along some hot Doscos, Kashi!”’

Kashi glares at him, ‘She said that as the merest formality! Secondly, remember, it’s not just a party – we’re doing this at ACP Bhavani’s instructions—’

‘We’re doing this to protect Bannerjee’s interests,’ Kalra says piously, ‘You’ve been using these recent unfortunate deaths to get close to Bambu Todi again—’

‘Yeah, what kind of sicko cuddles up to his ex at funerals?’ Walli chimes in. ‘Not cool, Dogra!’

‘So we’re tagging along to make sure things don’t get too hot and heavy! This is not a pleasure trip for us – we’re sort of on-duty only!’

Kashi glares at the grinning pair at a total loss for words, then sits back.

‘Uptown Funk’ plays uncontested on the speakers for a while.

Stylin, wilin’ living it up in the city,

Got chucks on, with Saint Laurant,

Gotta kiss myself, I’m so pretty!

I’m too hot (hot damn!)

Call the police and a fireman

I’m too hot (hot damn!)

As the Uber turns on to Aurangzeb Road, Kashi picks up his phone and dials a number.

‘Hey. We’re outside. Come.’

Walli and Kalra wink at each other.

‘Hey.’

‘We’re outside.’

And then both together, moaning. ‘Come!’

They collapse into waves of laughter, then sober up quickly as Bambi emerges from the massive gates, wearing a tight little body-con black dress, her soft brown hair a mass of loose, floating curls.

‘She got even hotter,’ Kalra says, awed, peering out of the window. ‘I didn’t think that was possible. Dogs, you said she’s single and not too picky, right?’

Quickly, he looks at Walli. ‘There’s not enough space, fucker, get in the front seat.’

Walli protests, but Kalra practically shoves him out, then smiles up at Bambi.

‘Hey, Todi! Get in here!’

Bambi smiles. ‘It’s … Kalra isn’t it?’

‘Madam, jaldi karo, please,’ the Uber guy says in a surly voice.

Bambi gets in and the ride resumes.

Wedged in between Kashi and the door, Bambi reaches out to shake hands with both Kalra and Walli. They exchange artificially effusive greetings and then a slightly constrained silence descends on the car. ‘Uptown Funk’ reigns supreme again.

Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)

Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)

Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)

Cos Uptown Funk’s gonna give it to ya!

Saturday night are you in the spot,

Don’t believe me, just watch!

‘This is a frickin’ all time low,’ Bambi mutters to Kashi after a while. ‘You and me partying with the Ghia-Lauki gang! My social cred is utterly destroyed.’

‘You have no social cred.’ He smiles down into her eyes. ‘All you do is work and vegetables.’

She winces. ‘Wow, harsh!’

‘You made me drink a glass full of that beetroot juice,’ he reminds her. ‘That was harsh!’

‘Shit!’ She looks stricken for a moment, then recovers. ‘It was really good beetroot, okay? And beets grow really shallow, you know – I doubt the roots touched what was … uh … lying beneath.’

‘I’d rather not talk about it, if you don’t mind,’ Kashi replies.

‘Sorry,’ she says contritely.

Walli pipes up from the front seat. ‘Uh, Dogs … why are we going to this party again?’

‘We are going,’ Kashi raises his voice to explain patiently for the nth time, ‘because ACP Bhavani wants us to zoom in on a bugger called Aryaman Aggarwal and get him to talk.’

‘About what?’

Kashi throws up his hands. ‘Anything! I’ve already shown you guys his Insta pics. If you spot him, point him out to Bambi and me – and we’ll take over the convo. Kindly do not exceed your brief. That’s all you need to do tonight.’

‘Hello, we wanna do more than that tonight!’ Walli says meaningfully.

‘Yeah, yeah, yeah,’ chimes in Kalra. ‘Set us up with some nice friendly girls with very low standards, okay, Todi?’

Bambi looks at their hopeful faces in disbelief, then turns to smile at Kashi. ‘So nice of you to let your animals ride in the car with us. You’re such a kind guy – must be all the nice TVVS values you picked up in your childhood.’

As all three Doscos protest loudly, the Uber turns off the main highway and plunges into the darkened lanes of Chhatarpur.

‘So what do we do with Aryaman once we find him?’ Bambi whispers to Kashi.

He flashes her a mock-sinister grin and whispers back, ‘We charm him with our worshipful juniors vibe, and try and figure out who he could’ve bumped off and dumped in the kitchen garden.’

‘What!’ Bambi gives a delighted little gurgle of laughter. ‘But that’s wild! Like a whodunnit movie! Bhavani thinks Arya’s the murderer?’

‘Or