The Crush Ward Penelope (best novels to read for beginners .txt) 📖

“The gambling, you mean.”

“Yep.” He sighed. “He never went back to it, and I’d like to keep it that way.”

“I can understand that fear.”

“So, I’m pretty sure I’m staying—permanently this time.” His eyes lingered on mine.

I sat there stone-faced, unsure of what to say. The thought of him leaving again scared me even more than his staying. I wasn’t about to analyze what that meant.

“What about your life back in Charlotte?” I asked.

He sighed and placed his cup in the holder. “There’s not much to go back to. Kaia and I had an okay relationship, but I’m not in love with her. Being away made me realize that even more. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect. That relationship was something I should’ve ended before it got too serious. But I was comfortable with her, and that was good enough for a while.” He turned toward me. “Maybe you can relate. You said you felt…safe…with your boyfriend. That’s sort of how it was with Kaia.” He paused. “Feeling safe doesn’t always mean it’s right, though.”

I took a deep breath in as I continued to look out toward the street, refusing to look in his eyes so he couldn’t sense my weakness.

“You know,” he said. “When I first came back, I nearly had a heart attack when I drove by your old house—before I knew you guys had moved.”

My forehead wrinkled. “Why?”

“There was a little girl playing outside. She had black hair like mine. For a moment, I thought I’d left behind more than just my heart when I took off.”

It took me a few seconds to realize what he meant. “You thought I had your baby?”

“Only for, like, two minutes—the longest two minutes of my life. Then her mother came out and snatched her, thinking I was some kind of weirdo for staring at her little girl from the sidewalk.”

My mouth hung open. “Wow. I guess I can see how you might have thought that.” I looked at my lap. “After you left…my period was late.”

His eyes widened. “What?”

“I thought I was pregnant.”

“Shit,” he said. “That must have been scary.”

“It was.”

“You weren’t…pregnant, though?”

“No. It was probably stress or something. That can mess with your cycle. But I can relate to your little heart attack. Although, mine lasted for over a week.”

“Fuck.” He laid his head back and looked at me. “If that had happened, I would’ve come back. You know that, right? I would never have let you go through that alone.”

“At the time, I certainly wouldn’t have believed that.”

Jace turned his body toward mine and closed his eyes, readying himself to say something. “I made a huge mistake, Farrah. I left believing you would be better off without me because of my feelings toward myself. I felt so guilty for my involvement in what happened to your parents. I’d never dealt with any of it. And when Nathan unleashed my deepest secret like that, it caused me to spiral. Leaving you was a form of self-punishment. I ran so I didn’t have to face my guilt and shame. If I could go back, I would stay, endure the pain. I would’ve stood up to Nathan and for myself. I would’ve done everything I could to keep us together. But that’s a realization that’s only possible through hindsight. I’m paying for it now, because it hurts me to look at you and not see the joy you used to have in your eyes. It hurts me even more to feel like I took it away.”

As much as he was partially right, it wasn’t fair to let him feel like the entire burden was his to bear.

“I’m a stronger person for it,” I told him. “I needed to lose you to find myself—my inner strength. I’m tougher than I was. And I won’t let anyone destroy my heart like that again.”

Jace’s expression darkened, my words seeming to hit him where it hurt, though they weren’t meant to.

Feeling a need to escape, I looked at the time. “The food has got to be ready by now.”

He looked out toward the building. “Oh yeah. You’re right. It’s been way over a half hour.”

Jace and I went back inside to retrieve two pies and five aluminum trays of food—sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, corn bread, and stuffing. I carried two trays back to the car, and Jace piled the rest into his arms.

The ride home was quiet. The tension in the air was still thick, but I felt more at ease around him after the conversation we’d had. It had felt good to let some of that out. As hard as it was to talk about what happened between us, in a strange way, I still felt like I could tell Jace anything.

Back at the house, the turkey was ready to come out of the oven. Jace volunteered to lift the heavy bird out for me. After that, he carved it and helped me set the table while Nathan continued to entertain Phil in the living room.

Later, Jace reached over me to place silverware at one of the settings near where I was arranging the sides. The contact gave me goose bumps. I’d been fighting my physical attraction to him all day. It was easy to convince myself he wasn’t right for me since he’d broken my trust. It was another ball game trying to stop my body from reacting anytime he was in the vicinity.

When the four of us finally sat down, Nathan and I were on one side of the table facing Jace and his dad, with Jace sitting directly across from me.

Nathan made an announcement. “Before we eat, we should all say what we’re thankful for. Mom would be disappointed if we didn’t.”

“I think Faye would have agreed,” Phil said.

We each took turns. Nathan spoke about how thankful he was to have reconnected with Jace, for his continued recovery from the accident, and as always, he was thankful