The Good Soldier Ford Madox Ford (good books to read for adults .txt) 📖

whole effect of that reading upon Nancy was mysterious, terrifying and evil. She felt a sickness⁠—a sickness that grew as she read. Her heart beat painfully; she began to cry. She asked God how He could permit such things to be. And she was more certain that Edward did not love Leonora and that Leonora hated Edward. Perhaps, then, Edward loved someone else. It was unthinkable.

If he could love someone else than Leonora, her fierce unknown heart suddenly spoke in her side, why could it not be herself? And he did not love her.⁠ ⁠… This had occurred about a month before she got the letter from her mother. She let the matter rest until the sick feeling went off; it did that in a day or two. Then, finding that Leonora’s headaches had gone, she suddenly told Leonora that Mrs. Brand had divorced her husband. She asked what, exactly, it all meant.

Leonora was lying on the sofa in the hall; she was feeling so weak that she could hardly find the words. She answered just:

“It means that Mr. Brand will be able to marry again.”

Nancy said:

“But⁠ ⁠… but⁠ ⁠…” and then: “He will be able to marry Miss Lupton.” Leonora just moved a hand in assent. Her eyes were shut.

“Then⁠ ⁠…” Nancy began. Her blue eyes were full of horror: her brows were tight above them; the lines of pain about her mouth were very distinct. In her eyes the whole of that familiar, great hall had a changed aspect. The andirons with the brass flowers at the ends appeared unreal; the burning logs were just logs that were burning and not the comfortable symbols of an indestructible mode of life. The flame fluttered before the high fireback; the St. Bernard sighed in his sleep. Outside the winter rain fell and fell. And suddenly she thought that Edward might marry someone else; and she nearly screamed.

Leonora opened her eyes, lying sideways, with her face upon the black and gold pillow of the sofa that was drawn half across the great fireplace.

“I thought,” Nancy said, “I never imagined.⁠ ⁠… Aren’t marriages sacraments? Aren’t they indissoluble? I thought you were married⁠ ⁠… and⁠ ⁠…” She was sobbing. “I thought you were married or not married as you are alive or dead.”

“That,” Leonora said, “is the law of the church. It is not the law of the land.⁠ ⁠…”

“Oh yes,” Nancy said, “the Brands are Protestants.”

She felt a sudden safeness descend upon her, and for an hour or so her mind was at rest. It seemed to her idiotic not to have remembered Henry VIII and the basis upon which Protestantism rests. She almost laughed at herself.

The long afternoon wore on; the flames still fluttered when the maid made up the fire; the St. Bernard awoke and lolloped away towards the kitchen. And then Leonora opened her eyes and said almost coldly:

“And you? Don’t you think you will get married?”

It was so unlike Leonora that, for the moment, the girl was frightened in the dusk. But then, again, it seemed a perfectly reasonable question.

“I don’t know,” she answered. “I don’t know that anyone wants to marry me.”

“Several people want to marry you,” Leonora said.

“But I don’t want to marry,” Nancy answered. “I should like to go on living with you and Edward. I don’t think I am in the way or that I am really an expense. If I went you would have to have a companion. Or, perhaps, I ought to earn my living.⁠ ⁠…”

“I wasn’t thinking of that,” Leonora answered in the same dull tone. “You will have money enough from your father. But most people want to be married.”

I believe that she then asked the girl if she would not like to marry me, and that Nancy answered that she would marry me if she were told to; but that she wanted to go on living there. She added:

“If I married anyone I should want him to be like Edward.”

She was frightened out of her life. Leonora writhed on her couch and called out: “Oh, God!⁠ ⁠…”

Nancy ran for the maid; for tablets of aspirin; for wet handkerchiefs. It never occurred to her that Leonora’s expression of agony was for anything else than physical pain.

You are to remember that all this happened a month before Leonora went into the girl’s room at night. I have been casting back again; but I cannot help it. It is so difficult to keep all these people going. I tell you about Leonora and bring her up to date; then about Edward, who has fallen behind. And then the girl gets hopelessly left behind. I wish I could put it down in diary form. Thus: On the 1st of September they returned from Nauheim. Leonora at once took to her bed. By the 1st of October they were all going to meets together. Nancy had already observed very fully that Edward was strange in his manner. About the 6th of that month Edward gave the horse to young Selmes, and Nancy had cause to believe that her aunt did not love her uncle. On the 20th she read the account of the divorce case, which is reported in the papers of the 18th and the two following days. On the 23rd she had the conversation with her aunt in the hall⁠—about marriage in general and about her own possible marriage, her aunt’s coming to her bedroom did not occur until the 12th of November.⁠ ⁠…

Thus she had three weeks for introspection⁠—for introspection beneath gloomy skies, in that old house, rendered darker by the fact that it lay in a hollow crowned by fir trees with their black shadows. It was not a good situation for a girl. She began thinking about love, she who had never before considered it as anything other than a rather humorous, rather nonsensical matter. She remembered chance passages in chance books⁠—things that had not really affected her at all at the time. She remembered someone’s love for the Princess Badrulbadour; she remembered to have heard that love was a flame, a thirst,