On a Roll Beth Bolden (best book club books for discussion .TXT) 📖

said as quickly as he could, the words spilling over each other in his eagerness to set the record straight. “No, never. That . . . Luca is insane. That was never an option, never.”

Challenge joined the relief in Sean’s expression. “Good.”

Gabriel wondered if that was all he was going to say. “And I wanted to apologize. I should have changed the name, way back when, the first night you told me about Milo, and why you didn’t want to change yours. It was the right thing to do, and I just didn’t.”

“I told you not to,” Sean said. He didn’t sound as angry as Gabriel had expected. “I mean, I suppose I should be pissed as hell at you. You had an out for our problem the whole time and you didn’t tell me. I guess you were probably pretty amused when I told you that I thought about it every day, trying to find a way out of our stalemate.”

“I . . . no,” Gabriel said, and he reached out for Sean, but he stepped out of his reach. The challenge in his eyes flashed again. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t super pissed, but he also wasn’t quite ready to make up yet. Gabriel could understand that.

“No,” Gabriel repeated. “I didn’t laugh at you. I wasn’t amused. I was sick, to be honest, because I didn’t know what to do.”

“You didn’t know what to do?” Sean sounded incredulous. “You had a name change all ready to go!”

“I know,” Gabriel said, shame washing over him. “But . . .” He took a deep breath. “I know you’re mad about that, and you deserve to be . . .”

But before Gabriel could get even more of his apology out, could even attempt to grovel a little bit, Sean interrupted him, pacing back and forth in front of his truck, like his feet couldn’t stay still, not while he unloaded about what he did feel.

“I’m mad about that, a little, but what I’m really fucking pissed at is that you just stood there and let your brother just roll over you.”

“I took care of him,” Gabriel inserted. “I told you, I took care of it. He won’t be around again. I don’t owe him another dime, not for his investment, not for anything.”

“Do you really think I give a fuck if he comes around here again? Yeah, his threats were a little scary, how could they not be? But I knew, knew, you wouldn’t let him sue me, I knew we could work it out, but . . .” Sean shoved a finger into Gabriel’s chest. “But you just let him walk all over you. You let him.”

That was the last thing Gabriel had expected that Sean would be pissed about. “Luca and I, we have a complicated relationship,” he said carefully. “We always have.”

“What’s complicated is all of this,” Sean said, gesturing to the air between them, the same air that had crackled with tension the very first time they’d met and continued to crackle still. “And now I’m wondering what we’re even doing, who you even are, this guy that I’m . . . I’m all mixed up about.”

“Mixed up?” Gabe found that he was the one gaping in shock now. “You’re mixed up?”

“Yes,” Sean said tightly. “I said we were just going to get naked and I thought that was all it was . . .”

“It’s not all it was,” Gabriel said. “It was never about that for me.” It was terrifying to continue, especially considering the look on Sean’s face—the utter confusion, like he truly didn’t know what they were doing. “I never just wanted that. I thought you were on the same page I was. I think you are on the same page I am.”

“What page is that?”

Gabriel reached for him, and this time Sean didn’t fight him, just tucked himself into his embrace. For a second, he just held him, the man he’d come to love so much. There was a little bit of terror, because how could there not be? But there was hope too, and it was a live thing inside him, blossoming into something incredible. How could Ren have ever said this was a choice? It had never been a choice.

“I love you,” he said softly. “Maybe that’s too much for you to hear, but I do. I think I might have loved you for a long time. Long before I even knew what this was.”

For a very long moment, Sean was silent, but the unmistakable feeling of him tensing in Gabriel’s arms was enough of an answer.

Sean slipped away from his grasp and turned his head. He couldn’t even look at Gabriel. Couldn’t even meet his eyes. “That’s . . .” His voice shook. “That’s never what this was supposed to be about. I told you.”

“I know you did,” Gabriel said, trying not to let the disappointment and hurt leak into his voice. It wasn’t his fault that Sean didn’t know what he was feeling. And maybe Gabe should’ve been less sure that Sean loved him, but he knew he did. The same way he knew how to make Nonna’s red sauce, and how to make the best meatballs and the best ziti that anyone had ever tasted.

He’d never been as sure of anything in his whole fucking life.

“I wasn’t being cute or funny or playing hard to get when I told you,” Sean said, sounding wretched. “It just . . . it felt different with you, than it did with Milo. I loved him, loved him with everything in me and I just don’t know . . .” He took a shuddering breath. “I don’t know if I can feel that way about you.”

Maybe even then, Gabriel should have believed what he was telling him. But he also knew about pain and how you could carry it with you, even long after you thought you’d set it down. How it could hold you back, even when you wanted to be