Dark Lullaby Polly Ho-Yen (drm ebook reader .txt) 📖

her a coffee, as I leapt to move the glasses on the table out of Jakob’s reach. I rinsed the clinging coffee grains from the cafetière but as they swirled down the sink in a mass of black clumps and then sediment that would not shift, I could not help but start to play the phonic sounds out in my mind, anything to distract me from the nausea that was swelling in my belly.

S. Ssssssss.

A. Aa, aa, aa, aa.

‘Kit?’ Evie said.

‘Sorry, I’m—’

‘You’re miles away. I was asking how the allotment was going now? You still go there, don’t you? Maybe I could bring Jakob with me one day.’

‘I haven’t been there recently, actually. You know how it is. A lot going on.’

Evie leant back and gazed at me appraisingly.

‘Your face is…’ she stared to say and then stopped herself. ‘You’ve started, haven’t you? Induction. You and Thomas.’ The words caught in her throat a little but she pushed them out.

I stopped rinsing the cafetière. The water continued to flow from the tap. I’d never noticed before how it sounded, that gushing stream; it could have been somebody shushing another.

‘I should have told you.’

‘Do you really think it’s a good idea?’ Evie said.

Her words cut through me. I turned the water off. Now the kitchen was deadly quiet.

‘What do you mean by that?’ My voice was dangerously low.

‘Well, your history of being an out,’ Evie started to say but then Jakob began to climb on to the rocking chair in the corner. It swayed unsteadily. She went to retrieve him.

She continued, Jakob on her hip. ‘I just didn’t think it was something that you ever wanted. That’s all.’

‘I thought that you might be happy for us.’ I couldn’t help spitting out the word: happy.

Evie sighed. ‘It’s not about me being happy for you. You should want to do this because you know you can. What’s the financial incentive now?’

I mumbled a figure.

‘Sizable. So, how are you finding it?’ she asked. ‘How many weeks in are you?’

‘We’re seven weeks in.’

‘You’re right in the thick of it then,’ Evie said lightly. ‘But you still have a way to go.’ She kissed Jakob quite unselfconsciously on the head.

‘Yes,’ I said. I didn’t trust myself to say anything more.

‘And have you had any second thoughts since you started?’

‘I… I…’ I didn’t want to admit to her how many doubts I’d had.

‘It’s not for everyone – sometimes you have to get halfway down the path to realise that.’

‘Are you saying that I’m going to be an awful mother? Is that it?’

‘Do you believe that?’ Evie shot back.

I floundered.

Evie said slowly, ‘You should think really carefully about whether you really want this. Whether you are up for it.’

‘I think that you should leave.’ The demand barked from me.

‘I know it’s painful to talk about, Kit,’ Evie said. ‘But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t – there’s nothing wrong with recognising a weakness. You can shoot the messenger if you want but if you don’t think that you can be a good enough mother, then you probably won’t be. It’s not too late to change your mind.’

Each word slapped and settled deep into my core. She’d spoken aloud the very worst fear that I had not been able to admit to myself – I would not be able to do it, we would fail, I would smash our fragile happiness.

I stood there, almost paralysed, and watched her leave.

I didn’t see her again until Mimi was in my arms.

NOW

I can’t think about the fact that I’ve just left the hospital without Mimi. The arrows for the address that Evie programmed in pulse across the windscreen and direct me on.

I have no place to go, no idea of what to do but follow them.

I take the main road north and as I accelerate, the car leaps forwards.

The scenery is different here – it’s rawer, more beautiful – as though we have passed by some invisible border and are in a new land. The traffic on the road has dropped off as the light begins to dwindle.

I find myself thinking of Thomas. I long for him, I crave his gentle attention, the timbre of his voice. I wish he were beside me.

For the first time, I regret leaving him today. Maybe if I had spoken to him properly, if I had forced myself to tell him truly how I felt, he would have listened, he would have come.

The directions take me to a turning where there is a sign for an island. I can see its cragginess in the distance, it sits like a ship on the sea. It’s a place I’ve seen before, I’m sure, although I’ve never been here.

The sky stretches out, onwards.

It’s another road that I could take. The clouds hang in tiger stripes illuminated by the dying sun.

A reflection of the sky, the land lies flat here. Everywhere there is space. Land, sky and space.

I slow the car to a crawl as I reach another turning and the directions tell me that I am almost at my destination. I take the narrow track.

This must be a lonely place to live. Devastatingly beautiful, but lonely. I haven’t passed another house for a while. The road creeps round, it turns a corner and this too is familiar. I feel it in my heart, sure that this is the right place to be.

Around another bend and there’s a building in the distance. Even from this far away, it makes Evie’s house look slight. I drive up to the gates and when they do not open, I open the car door and step out.

There’s no one there, no intercom to speak to, just solid, closed gates that show no sign of opening.

I walk right up to the gates, peer through the bars. I can still see the house in the distance; I imagine I can see a light on in there.

As I stand there staring through the gates, I notice a black globular detail in the wall. It’s easy