The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

covering the greatest part of both his eyes, gently sunk down with his head (his elbow giving way backwards) till his nose touch’d the quilt;⁠⸺⁠his left arm hung insensible over the side of the bed, his knuckles reclining upon the handle of the chamberpot, which peep’d out beyond the valance⁠—his right leg (his left being drawn up towards his body) hung half over the side of the bed, the edge of it pressing upon his shinbone⁠—He felt it not. A fix’d, inflexible sorrow took possession of every line of his face.⁠—He sigh’d once⁠⸺⁠heaved his breast often⁠—but uttered not a word.

An old set-stitch’d chair, valanced and fringed around with party-coloured worsted bobs, stood at the bed’s head, opposite to the side where my father’s head reclined.⁠—My uncle Toby sat him down in it.

Before an affliction is digested⁠—consolation ever comes too soon;⁠—and after it is digested⁠—it comes too late: so that you see, madam, there is but a mark between these two, as fine almost as a hair, for a comforter to take aim at: my uncle Toby was always either on this side, or on that of it, and would often say, he believed in his heart he could as soon hit the longitude; for this reason, when he sat down in the chair, he drew the curtain a little forwards, and having a tear at everyone’s service⁠⸺⁠he pull’d out a cambrick handkerchief⁠⸺⁠gave a low sigh⁠⸺⁠but held his peace.

XXX

⸺“All is not gain that is got into the purse.”⁠—So that notwithstanding my father had the happiness of reading the oddest books in the universe, and had moreover, in himself, the oddest way of thinking that ever man in it was bless’d with, yet it had this drawback upon him after all⁠⸻that it laid him open to some of the oddest and most whimsical distresses; of which this particular one, which he sunk under at present, is as strong an example as can be given.

No doubt, the breaking down of the bridge of a child’s nose, by the edge of a pair of forceps⁠—however scientifically applied⁠—would vex any man in the world, who was at so much pains in begetting a child, as my father was⁠—yet it will not account for the extravagance of his affliction, nor will it justify the unchristian manner he abandoned and surrendered him self up to.

To explain this, I must leave him upon the bed for half an hour⁠—and my uncle Toby in his old fringed chair sitting beside him.

XXXI

⸺⁠I think it a very unreasonable demand⁠—cried my great-grandfather, twisting up the paper, and throwing it upon the table.⁠⸺⁠By this account, madam, you have but two thousand pounds fortune, and not a shilling more⁠—and you insist upon having three hundred pounds a year jointure for it.⁠⸻

—“Because,” replied my great-grandmother, “you have little or no nose, Sir.”⁠—

Now before I venture to make use of the word Nose a second time⁠—to avoid all confusion in what will be said upon it, in this interesting part of my story, it may not be amiss to explain my own meaning, and define, with all possible exactness and precision, what I would willingly be understood to mean by the term: being of opinion, that ’tis owing to the negligence and perverseness of writers in despising this precaution, and to nothing else⁠⸺⁠that all the polemical writings in divinity are not as clear and demonstrative as those upon a Will o’ the Wisp, or any other sound part of philosophy, and natural pursuit; in order to which, what have you to do, before you set out, unless you intend to go puzzling on to the day of judgment⁠⸺⁠but to give the world a good definition, and stand to it, of the main word you have most occasion for⁠⸺⁠changing it, Sir, as you would a guinea, into small coin?⁠—which done⁠—let the father of confusion puzzle you, if he can; or put a different idea either into your head, or your reader’s head, if he knows how.

In books of strict morality and close reasoning, such as this I am engaged in⁠—the neglect is inexcusable; and Heaven is witness, how the world has revenged itself upon me for leaving so many openings to equivocal strictures⁠—and for depending so much as I have done, all along, upon the cleanliness of my readers’ imaginations.

⸺⁠Here are two senses, cried Eugenius, as we walk’d along, pointing with the forefinger of his right hand to the word Crevice, in the one hundred and seventy-eighth page of the first volume of this book of books;⁠⸻here are two senses⁠—quoth he⁠—And here are two roads, replied I, turning short upon him⁠⸺⁠a dirty and a clean one⁠⸺⁠which shall we take?⁠—The clean, by all means, replied Eugenius. Eugenius, said I, stepping before him, and laying my hand upon his breast⁠⸺⁠to define⁠—is to distrust.⁠⸺⁠Thus I triumph’d over Eugenius; but I triumph’d over him as I always do, like a fool.⁠⸺’Tis my comfort, however, I am not an obstinate one: therefore

I define a nose as follows⁠—intreating only beforehand, and beseeching my readers, both male and female, of what age, complexion, and condition soever, for the love of God and their own souls, to guard against the temptations and suggestions of the devil, and suffer him by no art or wile to put any other ideas into their minds, than what I put into my definition⁠—For by the word Nose, throughout all this long chapter of noses, and in every other part of my work, where the word Nose occurs⁠—I declare, by that word I mean a nose, and nothing more, or less.

XXXII

⸺“Because,” quoth my great-grandmother, repeating the words again⁠—“you have little or no nose, Sir.”⁠⸻

S’death! cried my great-grandfather, clapping his hand upon his nose,⁠—’tis not so small as that comes to;⁠⸺’tis a full inch longer than my father’s.⁠—Now, my great-grandfather’s nose was for all the world like unto the noses of all the men, women, and children, whom Pantagruel found dwelling upon the island of Ennasin.⁠⸻By the way, if you would know the strange way of