Heart and Soul Jackie May (best feel good books .txt) 📖

A nice gesture, if not a little patronizing, but the walls I’ve put up are high and thorny. Nobody gets through. And especially not somebody who’s probably just dying to rub it in my face that I’ve, yet again, met her expectations by totally making a mess of everything. I’m determined to sit stoically, frowning at the floor, but my eyes betray me again with tears when a fresh wave of despair washes over me. I think of Jay out there somewhere terrible and dark, at the mercy of demons. Who knows what they’re doing to him. Not offering him a blanket and a beer, that’s for sure.

“I don’t need you to talk, Shayne,” she says quietly. “I don’t need a thing from you. We don’t have to do this now. But, I just thought…” She chooses her words carefully. “I remember being in your shoes—losing somebody very dear to me—and the last place on earth I wanted to go was back to our home. Alone.”

That’s such a bull’s-eye to the truth that I can’t hold back any longer. I pull the blanket over my face and break into a million pieces, right there in front of my boss. It’s not loud, but it’s messy and long-winded. Each time I feel like I’m getting a grip, catching my breath, more aftershocks ripple in. I keep the blanket shut tightly over my face.

Director West waits patiently. After a long time, she says, “I also remember that the last thing I wanted at the time was a debriefing. But surprisingly, it actually helped to talk through it.”

I hear the sound of something being pushed across her desk toward me. Reaching out blindly, I feel the box of tissues, take three in rapid succession, and shove them into my nostrils. As I work to clean myself up beneath the cover of the blanket, my mind reaches back to a lifetime ago, when Nick Gorgeous lectured me about Director West and the choice she made, killing her lover when he got into some dark shit. What had he done that was so wrong? Nick hadn’t told me that part. It doesn’t matter. Her choice is unthinkable, no matter what he did. I wouldn’t have done it, and I can’t help but think she must be a cold-ass bitch for doing it. She couldn’t have loved him. Not like I do.

Finally, I lower the blanket, deciding to talk. Or, at least, try. I’m not sure my throat will loosen up enough for words to get through. I swallow like a million times and clear my throat. My first attempt comes out only a whisper, so I try again, louder. “I don’t care what we talk about. I’ll tell you whatever you want to hear. I’m sure everything we did was either against Agency policy, or against the law, or just plain idiotic. Probably all three. But it’s not like I care if you punish me. Go ahead.”

She nods thoughtfully, then uncaps her beer and takes a sip. “Well…I assume you might be referring to Detective Russo.”

“Ah. Great place to start. Yes, we purposefully exposed another human to the underworld, then pushed him straight into the deep end.” I give a short laugh of derision. “Genius.”

“Reckless and unethical,” she says gravely. “And yet, Detective Russo seems no worse for wear.”

“Demons shot him! Twice!”

“And nobody on the face of this planet—human or underworld—has ever been more pleased to be so afflicted, let me tell you. He’s all smiles at the hospital.”

“That’s because he saved Hillerman’s life, which scores him major points, and for some unholy reason, the only thing bigger than his big blockhead is the boner he has for her.”

“I think you’re right. Special Agent Hillerman is the only visitor he’ll allow.”

I turn on the sarcasm. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did he turn you down?”

“I have many questions for him, naturally. But that can wait. I only feel sorry for his nurses. They’re already smitten with him.”

“Too late. Hillerman’s got him under her power. I’m not entirely sure she’s not a vampire master.”

West makes a polite smile that comes across more like a grimace. “She does seem to be more than meets the eye. Don’t you think?”

I shift my eyes away from hers. If she’s fishing for the dirt on Hillerman, she won’t get it from me. I haven’t forgotten Hillerman’s warning to trust no one, not even Madison West. I lead us away from the topic. “None of this was her idea. For obvious reasons, she was against bringing Russo in.”

“Obvious reasons, meaning her belief that knowledge of the underworld can only ruin a human’s life?”

“It ruined hers. It ruined—” I gulp down a hard lump in my throat. “It ruined Jay’s.”

“I don’t think you believe that,” she says, “but let’s drop it.” She leans back in her chair, crossing one leg over her knee. “You know I have to ask. Where were you tonight, Shayne? Hillerman wore a ball gown, Russo a tuxedo.”

I shake my head. “I can’t tell you. Not unless you can first tell me where you were tonight.” When her eyebrows raise, I continue quickly. “Because where I was, everybody wore masks. How do I know you weren’t one of them?”

She gives a convincing performance of surprise. “A masquerade?”

“Good guess.”

Her shoulders slump. “I see. And I take it this masquerade was for sorcerers, which is why you wonder if I was among them?”

In my heart, I know West wasn’t there, but I’m in no mood to be generous. I level a hard stare at her. Let her grovel a bit.

She doesn’t, of course. In her thick-skinned matter-of-fact way, she says, “Perfectly understandable. You wouldn’t be one of our best agents if you didn’t consider all options, even at great risk to your job.”

“If you had been there tonight, the least of my worries would be getting fired for calling you out. This group’s not playing around.”

“It sounds like you’ve already decided I wasn’t