The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

and cons, as if my father had been translating Hafen Slawkenbergius from the Latin tongue into the Cherokee. But the word siege, like a talismanic power, in my father’s metaphor, wafting back my uncle Toby’s fancy, quick as a note could follow the touch⁠—he open’d his ears⁠⸺⁠and my father observing that he took his pipe out of his mouth, and shuffled his chair nearer the table, as with a desire to profit⁠—my father with great pleasure began his sentence again⁠⸺⁠changing only the plan, and dropping the metaphor of the siege of it, to keep clear of some dangers my father apprehended from it.

’Tis a pity, said my father, that truth can only be on one side, brother Toby⁠⸻considering what ingenuity these learned men have all shown in their solutions of noses.⁠⸺⁠Can noses be dissolved? replied my uncle Toby.

⸻My father thrust back his chair⁠⸻rose up⁠—put on his hat⁠⸻took four long strides to the door⁠⸻jerked it open⁠⸺⁠thrust his head half way out⁠⸺⁠shut the door again⁠⸺⁠took no notice of the bad hinge⁠⸺⁠returned to the table⁠—pluck’d my mother’s thread-paper out of Slawkenbergius’s book⁠⸻went hastily to his bureau⁠—walked slowly back⁠—twisted my mother’s thread-paper about his thumb⁠—unbutton’d his waistcoat⁠—threw my mother’s thread-paper into the fire⁠⸺⁠bit her sattin pincushion in two, fill’d his mouth with bran⁠—confounded it;⁠—but mark!⁠—the oath of confusion was levell’d at my uncle Toby’s brain⁠—which was e’en confused enough already⁠⸺⁠the curse came charged only with the bran⁠—the bran, may it please your honours, was no more than powder to the ball.

’Twas well my father’s passions lasted not long; for so long as they did last, they led him a busy life on’t; and it is one of the most unaccountable problems that ever I met with in my observations of human nature, that nothing should prove my father’s mettle so much, or make his passions go off so like gunpowder, as the unexpected strokes his science met with from the quaint simplicity of my uncle Toby’s questions.⁠⸺⁠Had ten dozen of hornets stung him behind in so many different places all at one time⁠—he could not have exerted more mechanical functions in fewer seconds⁠⸻or started half so much, as with one single quære of three words unseasonably popping in full upon him in his hobbyhorsical career.

’Twas all one to my uncle Toby⁠⸻he smoaked his pipe on with unvaried composure⁠⸺⁠his heart never intended offence to his brother⁠—and as his head could seldom find out where the sting of it lay⁠⸺⁠he always gave my father the credit of cooling by himself.⁠⸺⁠He was five minutes and thirty-five seconds about it in the present case.

By all that’s good! said my father, swearing, as he came to himself, and taking the oath out of Ernulphus’s digest of curses⁠⸺(though to do my father justice it was a fault (as he told Dr. Slop in the affair of Ernulphus) which he as seldom committed as any man upon earth)⁠⸻By all that’s good and great! brother Toby, said my father, if it was not for the aids of philosophy, which befriend one so much as they do⁠—you would put a man beside all temper.⁠⸺⁠Why, by the solutions of noses, of which I was telling you, I meant, as you might have known, had you favoured me with one grain of attention, the various accounts which learned men of different kinds of knowledge have given the world of the causes of short and long noses.⁠⸺⁠There is no cause but one, replied my uncle Toby⁠⸺⁠why one man’s nose is longer than another’s, but because that God pleases to have it so.⁠⸺⁠That is Grangousier’s solution, said my father.⁠—’Tis he, continued my uncle Toby, looking up, and not regarding my father’s interruption, who makes us all, and frames and puts us together in such forms and proportions, and for such ends, as is agreeable to his infinite wisdom.⁠⸺’Tis a pious account, cried my father, but not philosophical⁠⸺⁠there is more religion in it than sound science. ’Twas no inconsistent part of my uncle Toby’s character⁠⸺⁠that he feared God, and reverenced religion.⁠⸺⁠So the moment my father finished his remark⁠⸺⁠my uncle Toby fell a whistling Lillabullero with more zeal (though more out of tune) than usual.⁠—

What is become of my wife’s thread-paper?

XLII

No matter⁠—as an appendage to seamstressy, the thread-paper might be of some consequence to my mother⁠—of none to my father, as a mark in Slawkenbergius. Slawkenbergius in every page of him was a rich treasure of inexhaustible knowledge to my father⁠—he could not open him amiss; and he would often say in closing the book, that if all the arts and sciences in the world, with the books which treated of them, were lost⁠—should the wisdom and policies of governments, he would say, through disuse, ever happen to be forgot, and all that statesmen had wrote or caused to be written, upon the strong or the weak sides of courts and kingdoms, should they be forgot also⁠—and Slawkenbergius only left⁠⸺⁠there would be enough in him in all conscience, he would say, to set the world a-going again. A treasure therefore was he indeed! an institute of all that was necessary to be known of noses, and everything else⁠—at matin, noon, and vespers was Hafen Slawkenbergius his recreation and delight: ’twas forever in his hands⁠⸺⁠you would have sworn, Sir, it had been a canon’s prayerbook⁠—so worn, so glazed, so contrited and attrited was it with fingers and with thumbs in all its parts, from one end even unto the other.

I am not such a bigot to Slawkenbergius as my father;⁠⸺⁠there is a fund in him, no doubt: but in my opinion, the best, I don’t say the most profitable, but the most amusing part of Hafen Slawkenbergius, is his tales⁠⸻and, considering he was a German, many of them told not without fancy:⁠⸻these take up his second book, containing nearly one half of his folio, and are comprehended in ten decads, each decad containing ten tales⁠⸻Philosophy is not built upon tales; and therefore ’twas certainly wrong in Slawkenbergius to send them into the world by that name!⁠⸺⁠there are a few of them in