GRANDMA? Part 1 (YA Zombie Serial Novel) J.A. Konrath (best large ereader .TXT) 📖

Ralph and even missed his favorite dinner, pork and beans, which Debra said she made from scratch but really came straight from the can.

A loud knock made Einstein crease his eyebrows, and turn off his blow torch.

"Who is it?" he blurted.

"Ralph! Are ya almost done?"

The sound of Ralph's voice made him smile.

"Just about. Come on in."

The large barn door creaked. Ralph pattered over and hovered near Einstein's shoulder.

"It's like four in the morning, Ralph. Aren’t ya supposed to be sleepin?"

"Yeah, but I'm just too darn excited! Can't wait to see what you invented for me. I need to clean all the rocks off my barn roof."

"How'd you get rocks on your barn roof?"

"I threw 'em up there," Ralph said.

Made sense.

"Alright, Ralph, you ready?"

Ralph jumped up and down and yelped like a little girl.

"Just a bit more… and… done!"

Einstein stood back to take in the fruits of his genius.

It was a parachute connected to a flamethrower connected to a lawn chair. When the flame thrower was on, the heat would fill the parachute and lift up the passenger.

It was sort of like a hot air balloon, just not as bulky. Those things were big. Einstein's flying chair could fit in the back of any SUV.

Einstein smiled with his chin up and nodded at his project. Ralph gave Einstein a bear hug.

"Thanks partner! It's… it's a beauty."

"Well, come try it out!"

They dragged the contraption outside, into a clearing. Ralph got into the chair, smiling wide.

We all know what happened next. The flying chair flew up about three feet, caught on fire, and Ralph burned to death.

But even Ralph's screaming demise didn't stop Einstein.

When the flames died down, Einstein set Ralph's corpse on his working bench. Ralph's body looked like a giant piece of burnt bacon. Smelled like it, too. Which made Einstein's stomach rumble because he missed supper.

"Such a tragedy," he said.

But then he realized there would be leftovers.

Ralph's death was also a tragedy. At least, it would have been for an ordinary man. But for a genius, it was a challenge.

Einstein had a good think about how to bring Ralph back to life, and was considering something with leeches and tractor parts, when he heard the sound of thunder.

A storm was a'comin'. And with it, a light went off in his genius brain.

"Perfect."

Einstein opened up the roof of his barn with a complicated pulley and lever system that only he knew how to use. The sky was dark and gray, the clouds already popping with lightning. A rain drop fell on the tip of Einstein's nose, and thunder rattled the walls again.

He ran to his work bench, picked up a lightning rod and stuck it in the middle of Ralph's chest, which looked and felt a lot like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Einstein wrapped Ralph up with wire, and attached it to the pulley. Then, in a bit of extra inspiration, he covered Ralph with leeches.

Then up went Ralph on the pulley, the lightning rod sticking out of his chest like, well, a lightning rod.

As Einstein waited for Ralph's life to restart, he spent time with yesterday's newspaper, doing the Junior Jumble. It was a hard one, and he devoted a good twenty minutes tying to unscramble GNEUIS to no avail, when the thunder roared like an elephant and lightning zapped the rod, making Ralph's body shake and light up even brighter than when he was on fire.

Einstein lowered his best friend down, eager to welcome him back to the land of the living.

A sizzling sound came from Ralph and he didn't seem any different, other than the bacon smell getting stronger. Einstein pressed his fingers against Ralph's neck and waited.

Five seconds passed.

Then ten.

Each passing second mocked Einstein.

He readjusted his fingers, pressing harder, and his fingers broke through Ralph's throat.

This lead Einstein to have what he called his self-defeatin' thoughts.

You're not a scientist or a genius, Einstein. You didn't even finish fourth grade. You're just a dumb redneck who thinks he's a genius, because you're too stupid to know what a real genius is. You can't even spell genius.

He was right on that last one.

Twenty seconds passed.

Why are you still checking his pulse? He's not going to come back to life. And not only that, you wasted a good six dollars' worth of leeches.

Einstein wondered if he should pick the leeches off, but they were all feeding pretty good (the ones that didn’t get electrocuted by lightning), and when they had ahold of something tasty they hung on pretty tight.

Thirty seconds passed. Einstein made a feeble attempt at CPR, but when he blew in Ralph's mouth, the air came out the hole in his neck.

Fail. Epic fail with a side dish of stupid.

Einstein slowly pulled away, the tears building up. He stared down at the floor, his heart thumping in pain.

"I'm… I'm so sorry, friend. I won't be a scientist anymore. After I cover up your death to avoid responsibility, I'm going to quit my genius experimentin'. Instead I'm going to devote my life to something else. Something worthwhile. Like a bowling league. Or watching more TV."

He threw a towel over Ralph's body and began to turn off lights in the barn. The clouds cleared up and the moon showed its face. He closed the closed up the hatch in the roof and walked, defeated, to the door.

Einstein also realized he needed to stop calling himself Einstein. Instead, he'd adopt a new, stupid name. Who was the stupidest of The Three Stooges? Shemp. From now on he'd be Shemp.

"Einstein…"

Shemp stopped. Had it been his imagination? Sometimes he heard voices, but he never told anyone about it because he didn't want anyone thinking he was crazy.

"Einstein."

"Ralph? Ralph! Son of a gun! I did it!" The genius formerly known as Shemp hurried to Ralph's table and yanked off the towel.

Ralph snatched Einstein's collar and stared him dead in the face, his eyes as white as egg shells.

"Ralph! You're alive! But your eyes…"

"Something ain't right," Ralph said." He held up his hand, staring at the burned