Hole Punch Simmons, Garth (10 best books of all time .txt) 📖

COLLAGE

Neville cut Sarah’s passport photo in half and he put the left side of Sarah’s face next to the right side of Zoe’s face.

“Haha,” he laughed. "Look at them!"

Neville liked to cut up the female employees’ passport photos after he had scanned them into the keycard making machine. All the faces, their eyes displaced, their lips intermingled, their foreheads amalgamated.

“All the same bird!” he said.

He stood up from his cuttings and rubbed his pot tummy with one hand and patted his bald head with his other.

“Coffee break!”

BREASTS

The Giant Amorphous Flesh Thing did not wear a bra so she was weighed down by her triple Z breasts.

"Wouldn't be so bad but none of the shops have the right sized knickers."

SEX

Look.

Tits.

Fanny.

Sex and stuff.

Wow.

Can't believe what we just saw.

Cock.

Balls.

Fucking.

Fanny.

Wow.

We are grown ups now.

We have grown up interests.

I'm bored now.

Listen.

Stockings.

Garter belt.

Corset.

Imagine those.

We made it fun again.

Lube.

Handcuffs.

PVC.

Threesomes.

Hooray.

What a weekend.

I'm bored now.

POLE

The Smiling Chef stood inside his mobile restaurant with his thick, long, spinning column of kebab meat, all greased up and ready for sunrise, when insect prostitutes get hungry.

An insect prostitute landed in the parking lot. She hitched up all six of her stockings and clopped sallow and drunken on high heels toward the Smiling Chef and his spinning column of flesh. She straightened all six of her stockings.

“Come back for more have you?” smiled the Smiling Chef. “You bloody love it! Always the first to arrive! You can’t get enough of my meat shavings up your proboscis! You slag!”

The insect prostitute shivered and tittered in clicking excitement at the Smiling Chef’s voice. She sat herself down on a stool and handed five rupees to the Smiling Chef, who proceeded to shave slivers of meat from his fat pole.

“Bet this isn’t the first meat that you’ve had up your tube tonight!” smiled the Smiling Chef.

He slapped down a tray of sweaty kebab shavings. The insect prostitute dribbled sticky, noxious threads of acidic spit all over the Smiling Chef's meat. Her mucus mixed with condoms, cock rings, bottle tops and syringes.

“Looks like you’ve had a busy night!” smiled the Smiling Chef.

As she sucked up the spit dissolved meat, ten more insects of the night landed in the parking lot and ambled hungrily towards the mobile restaurant.

“I’d better get shaving more flesh from my big, meaty pole! You bug whores can’t get enough of my huge shaft of meat! Yeah! Suck it up bitches!”

His smaller and floppier column twitched under his apron excitedly. He served up more and more trays of kebab meat. He danced with thrusting hip motions to a private tune inside his simplistic, micro-functioned brain.

* * *

As the evening wore on, more and more of insect prostitutes arrived to suck on the Smiling Chef's meat. The spinning meat column got thinner and thinner, used up and spent.

Every day the Smiling Chef came here to feed these insect prostitutes and they always came back for more. No matter how thick and strong, by the end of morning, they would whittle him down. They would make his meat inadequate and incapable.

"I'm going to use your rupees to buy an even bigger shaft of revolving processed meat! More meat than all the bug brothels of Barnard's Star can handle! I'll show you hussies the meaning of big, indomitable meat!"

LIAR

He stands outside the Liars' Club.

What has she found out about him? Has she seen it?

He paces up and down and lights another cigarette.

So what if she has seen it? He can always tell her that it's not real.

He paces up and down and smokes his cigarette. He tries to call her. She's not picking up.

She's found it hasn't she? She's found it and he's going to get into trouble. Just deny it Vince, just deny it.

He drops his cigarette in the gutter.

Just act like you don't know what it is. That will work. When she tells you what she's found just be surprised that she would even be upset. Loads of guys have one of those babe.

But then if he did that then everyone would find out. She'd go about asking people if it was normal?

He lights up another cigarette and paces up and down.

There's no easy way to handle this.

A man steps out of the Liars' Club.

“Are you coming in or not?” asks the man.

“Sorry mate,” said Vince. “I'm just standing here.”

“Well, you better be gone soon. You're scaring off the other liars.”

The man goes back inside.

Vince paces up and down and lights up another cigarette.

So what if she's found it? She shouldn't be looking through his stuff. What has she been doing looking through his stuff?

That's good. Turn it back on her. Turn it back on the stupid bitch. Thinking she's sussed Vince out.

It won't work! It won't work! What's been hidden is really, really bad this time.

A man steps out of the Liar’s Club.

“Look mate, I don't want you loitering, you either come in or you fuck off!”

* * *

“I found it,” she said, emotionally broken.

“Found what?” he asked.

“You know what I found.”

“I don’t know! I don’t know!”

He sat on the floor and held her hands, he looked deeply into her eyes with a B-Movie imitation of sincerity.

“I don’t know! I don’t know!”

SEIZURE

“I'm adopted,” lied the bullied boy as he walked home from school.

“Really?” said his friend, Steven, who was bullied even more.

“Yes,” lied the bullied boy. “It is a strange experience, being adopted, I always wonder who my real parents are.”

The bullied boy fell to the pavement and started convulsing.

“What's wrong?” asked Steven.

The bullied boy stopped convulsing and sat up.

“I just had a memory of when I was last abducted by aliens, one of them had the face of the local vicar.”

COMMITMENT

Steven's