The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

the child Tristram⁠⸺⁠and my mistress is just got out of an hysterick fit about it⁠⸺⁠No⁠⸺’tis not my fault, said Susannah⁠—I told him it was Tristram-gistus.

⸺⁠Make tea for yourself, brother Toby, said my father, taking down his hat⁠⸺⁠but how different from the sallies and agitations of voice and members which a common reader would imagine!

—For he spake in the sweetest modulation⁠—and took down his hat with the genteelest movement of limbs, that ever affliction harmonized and attuned together.

⸺⁠Go to the bowling-green for corporal Trim, said my uncle Toby, speaking to Obadiah, as soon as my father left the room.

XVII

When the misfortune of my Nose fell so heavily upon my father’s head;⁠—the reader remembers that he walked instantly upstairs, and cast himself down upon his bed; and from hence, unless he has a great insight into human nature, he will be apt to expect a rotation of the same ascending and descending movements from him, upon his misfortune of my Name;⁠⸺⁠no.

The different weight, dear Sir⁠⸺⁠nay even the different package of two vexations of the same weight⁠⸺⁠makes a very wide difference in our manner of bearing and getting through with them.⁠⸺⁠It is not half an hour ago, when (in the great hurry and precipitation of a poor devil’s writing for daily bread) I threw a fair sheet, which I had just finished, and carefully wrote out, slap into the fire, instead of the foul one.

Instantly I snatch’d off my wig, and threw it perpendicularly, with all imaginable violence, up to the top of the room⁠—indeed I caught it as it fell⁠⸺⁠but there was an end of the matter; nor do I think anything else in Nature would have given such immediate ease: She, dear Goddess, by an instantaneous impulse, in all provoking cases, determines us to a sally of this or that member⁠—or else she thrusts us into this or that place or posture of body, we know not why⁠⸺⁠But mark, madam, we live amongst riddles and mysteries⁠⸺⁠the most obvious things, which come in our way, have dark sides, which the quickest sight cannot penetrate into; and even the clearest and most exalted understandings amongst us find ourselves puzzled and at a loss in almost every cranny of nature’s works: so that this, like a thousand other things, falls out for us in a way, which tho’ we cannot reason upon it⁠—yet we find the good of it, may it please your reverences and your worships⁠⸺⁠and that’s enough for us.

Now, my father could not lie down with this affliction for his life⁠⸺⁠nor could he carry it upstairs like the other⁠—he walked composedly out with it to the fishpond.

Had my father leaned his head upon his hand, and reasoned an hour which way to have gone⁠⸻reason, with all her force, could not have directed him to anything like it: there is something, Sir, in fishponds⁠⸺⁠but what it is, I leave to system-builders and fishpond-diggers betwixt ’em to find out⁠—but there is something, under the first disorderly transport of the humours, so unaccountably becalming in an orderly and a sober walk towards one of them, that I have often wondered that neither Pythagoras, nor Plato, nor Solon, nor Lycurgus, nor Muhammad, nor any one of your noted lawgivers, ever gave order about them.

XVIII

Your honour, said Trim, shutting the parlour-door before he began to speak, has heard, I imagine, of this unlucky accident⁠⸺⁠O yes, Trim, said my uncle Toby, and it gives me great concern.⁠—I am heartily concerned too, but I hope your honour, replied Trim, will do me the justice to believe, that it was not in the least owing to me.⁠⸺⁠To thee⁠—Trim?⁠—cried my uncle Toby, looking kindly in his face⁠⸻’twas Susannah’s and the curate’s folly betwixt them.⁠⸻What business could they have together, an’ please your honour, in the garden?⁠⸺⁠In the gallery thou meanest, replied my uncle Toby.

Trim found he was upon a wrong scent, and stopped short with a low bow⁠⸺⁠Two misfortunes, quoth the corporal to himself, are twice as many at least as are needful to be talked over at one time;⁠⸺⁠the mischief the cow has done in breaking into the fortifications, may be told his honour hereafter.⁠⸺⁠Trim’s casuistry and address, under the cover of his low bow, prevented all suspicion in my uncle Toby, so he went on with what he had to say to Trim as follows:

⸻For my own part, Trim, though I can see little or no difference betwixt my nephew’s being called Tristram or Trismegistus⁠—yet as the thing sits so near my brother’s heart, Trim⁠⸻I would freely have given a hundred pounds rather than it should have happened.⁠⸺⁠A hundred pounds, an’ please your honour! replied Trim,⁠⸺⁠I would not give a cherrystone to boot.⁠⸺⁠Nor would I, Trim, upon my own account, quoth my uncle Toby,⁠⸺⸺⁠but my brother, whom there is no arguing with in this case⁠—maintains that a great deal more depends, Trim, upon christian-names, than what ignorant people imagine⁠⸺⁠for he says there never was a great or heroic action performed since the world began by one called Tristram⁠—nay, he will have it, Trim, that a man can neither be learned, or wise, or brave.⁠⸺’Tis all fancy, an’ please your honour⁠—I fought just as well, replied the corporal, when the regiment called me Trim, as when they called me James Butler.⁠⸺⁠And for my own part, said my uncle Toby, though I should blush to boast of myself, Trim⁠⸺⁠yet had my name been Alexander, I could have done no more at Namur than my duty.⁠—Bless your honour! cried Trim, advancing three steps as he spoke, does a man think of his christian-name when he goes upon the attack?⁠⸻Or when he stands in the trench, Trim? cried my uncle Toby, looking firm.⁠⸺⁠Or when he enters a breach? said Trim, pushing in between two chairs.⁠⸺⁠Or forces the lines? cried my uncle, rising up, and pushing his crutch like a pike.⁠⸺⁠Or facing a platoon? cried Trim, presenting his stick like a firelock.⁠⸺⁠Or when he marches up the glacis? cried my uncle Toby, looking warm and setting his foot upon his stool.⁠⸻

XIX

My father was returned from