Mister West R.J. Lewis (macos ebook reader txt) 📖

unhinged,” I tell him, walking past him. “Totally unhinged, sir!”

He grabs my arm and pulls me back to him. My front slams into his, and he’s staring down at me gravely. “You’re not going clubbing again,” he repeats. “I have to be with you next time, you hear?”

“I hear, but I’m not listening,” I reply. “I’m a grown ass woman. I can do what I want –”

His mouth collides with mine, silencing me. He kisses me hard. I melt against him, opening my mouth, inviting his tongue in. His hands run down my back and curl around my thighs. He picks me up and walks me down the sidewalk slowly, kissing me, exploring my mouth with that sinful tongue, the whole way.

“You’re so confusing,” I whisper, pulling back to look at him.

He doesn’t respond. He’s still angry. I roll my eyes at him. “Stop being so grouchy,” I tell him. “Nothing happened. You didn’t hit the douchebag. You’re not regressing into the old you.”

He tenses around me when I say that. It’s like I’ve nailed the real problem.

“Mr West, let’s go home, and we’ll continue our song and dance,” I tell him.

“Our song and dance?”

“Yeah, our pathetic display of pretending we can fight what’s happening between us.”

He stops completely now, staring at me. “I was never pretending. I’ve been very vocal about my needs with you.”

“You’ve barely spoken to me since the bedroom incident.”

“Because you won’t look at me.”

“I’m looking at you now.”

He slowly settles me down on the ground, and I realize it’s because we made it back to his car.

“I need to take it easy with you,” he tells me softly.

“Says who?” I ask.

“I’ve been through too much, Ivy, I don’t have room to get hurt.” He runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “You get me twisted up.”

“Because you like me –”

“Fuck sake, Ivy, I don’t just like you, alright?” he cuts in, looking irritated. “I want you. I want you so much. I can’t get you out of my fucking head. This feeling is a curse.”

“Feeling strongly for someone isn’t a curse.”

“It is if they have the power to ruin you.”

Oh, my God.

“You’re scared I’ll hurt you,” I respond softly, watching him as he paces to the car and settles his hands along the roof. “You think if I hurt you, it’ll trigger you to be the way you were?”

“Maybe,” he whispers faintly. “Or maybe I just don’t want to wake up one day and you don’t want me anymore.”

I don’t answer straight away.

He looks at me now, appearing almost sad. “How can someone just breeze into my life and it never feel the same again? I never even had the chance to fight this.”

“Would you have stopped it if you had the chance?” I wonder.

He shakes his head slowly, eyes burning into me. “I like it, too. Isn’t that crazy, Ivy? I like the pain because it reminds me I’m like everyone else, and I want to be like everyone else. I’ve felt like an outsider every day of my life. I’ve been numb too long now. I can’t remember the last time I ever felt so intensely. Maybe…once when Ruth held me to her.”

“When was that?”

He looks away. “When I got off the drugs. When I hit rock bottom. When she told me I didn’t have to be that way anymore. It was such a huge part of me, I didn’t think I had the freedom to choose anymore.”

It’s drizzling steadily now. My skin is damp and cold, but I can’t move. I stare at him, my heart pounding heavy in my chest. He’s more broken than I thought. More…tormented. I feel like I’ve only scratched the surface of his pain.

“You have me twisted up, too,” I admit, quietly. “I don’t just like you, either, Aidan. It’s…more than that.”

He turns his head to me but doesn’t look at me. His eyes are pinned on the ground as he listens. He needs to hear my feelings.

“I wanted more physically not just because of how good it feels. It’s because I want to feel connected to you on a deeper level. I shouldn’t have rushed it. I’m sorry.”

He doesn’t respond. He won’t look at me. He’s trying to hide his vulnerability from me, like it’s a weak part of his armor that he can’t let slip.

I step toward him, watching him closely. “You know what I wished for on my birthday? I wished you would want me.”

His eyes flicker up to mine. He stares at me, unreadable.

I smile shortly, my heart on my sleeve. “I wanted you to want me forever. Because it would terrify me one day thinking you could never feel the same way I do. You…can have anyone. You’re Aidan West, the Asshole of the East. You’ve been in the arms of the most elegant women. And I’m… just me.”

I sound insecure. I know this. I sound like I have zero confidence in myself, like I have no self-worth to consider myself even worthy of him.

All of this is true.

I feel all these things. It’s probably wrong to. I just haven’t caught up to believing otherwise. I have a giant gap to fill within myself. I’ve spent too long in a cycle of abuse and hurt, living in a relationship that did not benefit me, closing myself off emotionally. I’ve spent too long addicted to familiarity, thinking it was best I stick to the same cycle, the same day-in-day-out life. I surrendered to it, tried to make the most of it.

I’m only now slowly beginning to realize I have to stop thinking this way. I have to break that mold and change. I want to feel equal next to Aidan. But it’s not going to happen overnight. I need to believe that on my own terms.

Aidan moves to me then. He places his hand on my face. I shiver from the cold, from his touch, from being too honest. I look into his deep brown eyes, drowning in them. They’re endless. Absolutely fucking