The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

lawyers⁠⸺⁠but the church lawyers⁠—the juris-consulti⁠—the juris-prudentes⁠—the civilians⁠—the advocates⁠—the commissaries⁠—the judges of the consistory and prerogative courts of Canterbury and York, with the master of the faculties, were all unanimously of opinion, That the mother was not of18 kin to her child.⁠⸺⁠

And what said the duchess of Suffolk to it? said my uncle Toby.

The unexpectedness of my uncle Toby’s question, confounded Kysarcius more than the ablest advocate⁠⸺⁠He stopp’d a full minute, looking in my uncle Toby’s face without replying⁠⸺⁠and in that single minute Triptolemus put by him, and took the lead as follows.

’Tis a ground and principle in the law, said Triptolemus, that things do not ascend, but descend in it; and I make no doubt ’tis for this cause, that however true it is, that the child may be of the blood and seed of its parents⁠⸺⁠that the parents, nevertheless, are not of the blood and seed of it; inasmuch as the parents are not begot by the child, but the child by the parents⁠—For so they write, Liberi sunt de sanguine patris & matris, sed pater & mater non sunt de sanguine liberorum.

⸺⁠But this, Triptolemus, cried Didius, proves too much⁠—for from this authority cited it would follow, not only what indeed is granted on all sides, that the mother is not of kin to her child⁠—but the father likewise.⁠⸺⁠It is held, said Triptolemus, the better opinion; because the father, the mother, and the child, though they be three persons, yet are they but (una caro)19 one flesh; and consequently no degree of kindred⁠⸺⁠or any method of acquiring one in nature.⁠⸺⁠There you push the argument again too far, cried Didius⁠⸺⁠for there is no prohibition in nature, though there is in the Levitical law⁠⸺⁠but that a man may beget a child upon his grandmother⁠⸺⁠in which case, supposing the issue a daughter, she would stand in relation both of⁠⸺⁠But who ever thought, cried Kysarcius, of lying with his grandmother?⁠⸻The young gentleman, replied Yorick, whom Selden speaks of⁠⸺⁠who not only thought of it, but justified his intention to his father by the argument drawn from the law of retaliation.⁠—“You lay, Sir, with my mother,” said the lad⁠—“why may not I lie with yours?”⁠⸺’Tis the Argumentum commune, added Yorick.⁠⸺’Tis as good, replied Eugenius, taking down his hat, as they deserve.

The company broke up.

XXX

—And pray, said my uncle Toby, leaning upon Yorick, as he and my father were helping him leisurely down the stairs⁠⸺⁠don’t be terrified, madam, this staircase conversation is not so long as the last⁠⸺⁠And pray, Yorick, said my uncle Toby, which way is this said affair of Tristram at length settled by these learned men? Very satisfactorily, replied Yorick; no mortal, Sir, has any concern with it⁠⸺⁠for Mrs. Shandy the mother is nothing at all akin to him⁠⸺⁠and as the mother’s is the surest side⁠⸺⁠Mr. Shandy, in course, is still less than nothing⁠⸻In short, he is not as much akin to him, Sir, as I am.⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠That may well be, said my father, shaking his head.

⸺⁠Let the learned say what they will, there must certainly, quoth my uncle Toby, have been some sort of consanguinity betwixt the duchess of Suffolk and her son.

The vulgar are of the same opinion, quoth Yorick, to this hour.

XXXI

Though my father was hugely tickled with the subtleties of these learned discourses⁠⸻’twas still but like the anointing of a broken bone⁠⸻The moment he got home, the weight of his afflictions returned upon him but so much the heavier, as is ever the case when the staff we lean on slips from under us.⁠—He became pensive⁠—walked frequently forth to the fishpond⁠—let down one loop of his hat⁠⸺⁠sigh’d often⁠⸺⁠forbore to snap⁠—and, as the hasty sparks of temper, which occasion snapping, so much assist perspiration and digestion, as Hippocrates tells us⁠—he had certainly fallen ill with the extinction of them, had not his thoughts been critically drawn off, and his health rescued by a fresh train of disquietudes left him, with a legacy of a thousand pounds, by my aunt Dinah.

My father had scarce read the letter, when taking the thing by the right end, he instantly began to plague and puzzle his head how to lay it out mostly to the honour of his family.⁠—A hundred-and-fifty odd projects took possession of his brains by turns⁠—he would do this, and that, and t’other⁠—He would go to Rome⁠⸺⁠he would go to law⁠⸺⁠he would buy stock⁠⸺⁠he would buy John Hobson’s farm⁠—he would new forefront his house, and add a new wing to make it even⁠⸺⁠There was a fine water-mill on this side, and he would build a windmill on the other side of the river in full view to answer it⁠—But above all things in the world, he would inclose the great Ox-moor, and send out my brother Bobby immediately upon his travels.

But as the sum was finite, and consequently could not do everything⁠⸺⁠and in truth very few of these to any purpose⁠—of all the projects which offered themselves upon this occasion, the two last seemed to make the deepest impression; and he would infallibly have determined upon both at once, but for the small inconvenience hinted at above, which absolutely put him under a necessity of deciding in favour either of the one or the other.

This was not altogether so easy to be done; for though ’tis certain my father had long before set his heart upon this necessary part of my brother’s education, and like a prudent man had actually determined to carry it into execution, with the first money that returned from the second creation of actions in the Missisippi-scheme, in which he was an adventurer⁠⸺⁠yet the Ox-moor, which was a fine, large, whinny, undrained, unimproved common, belonging to the Shandy-estate, had almost as old a claim upon him: he had long and affectionately set his heart upon turning it likewise to some account.

But having never hitherto been pressed with such a conjuncture of things, as made it necessary to settle either the priority or justice