Mister West R.J. Lewis (macos ebook reader txt) 📖

trepidation in her eyes. She’d wanted to run. I should have taken her right then and made her mine.

I might have fallen in love with her when I saw her at the ice cream parlor, and she looked like she didn’t think she belonged around a man like me. But she does.

Point is, I don’t know when I fell in love with Ivy, but it feels like always now that I have. Truth is we’re the same under all these colorful layers of bullshit. We’re hurting every day. We’re hiding from the pain, burying it deep in one another.

I watch her sleep. I do it often, not to be a fucking creep or anything. I do it because she mesmerizes me, and I want to protect her.

I see the way her face strains through her nightmares; she has a lot of them. She trembles and brings her knees to her chest and she holds herself so tight, crying out the same name.

Isabella.

I feel wretched for her. I wish to know her pain. I would shoulder it for her if she’d let me. Anything to ease her.

Ruth is right, though.

I’m sensing Ivy’s unease. I’m sensing her fear. She has a flight or fight response in her, and I’m terrified of it. I’m terrified of her running.

She’s reserving that tiny piece of herself. The piece that gives her the ability to shut off and pull away. It’s fucking amazing what the body does to bury our pain. I know it all too well – I feel it every day.

I hold Ivy to me, bury my nose in her hair and pray she finds solace from the nightmares, from her hurt. As fucked up as I am, I pray I’m good enough – deserving enough – to have her.

Twenty-Nine

Ivy

My phone rings on my way back home from work. I’m in the car with Gaston when I check it. Ana’s name flashes across my cracked screen.

“Hey, you,” I answer.

“Good news, babe,” she responds cheerfully. “You don’t need to pay half of the rent anymore. Derek’s found someone to take over the lease, so you’re all set, okay?”

Fucking finally.

My brows shoot up. “You’re joking.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Oh, my God.” I feel a huge sense of relief. “That shit was getting expensive on me, Ana.”

She laughs. “Well, not anymore. How do you feel?”

“Good. Really good.” And curious. “How did you find out?”

“He called me like ten minutes ago to let me know. He said he didn’t want to reach out to you because he knows you need your space.”

I go quiet, surprised by that. He’s actually letting me go then?

“He respects your wishes and it will be an uncontested divorce,” Ana adds. “He says he’s going to work on himself from here on out, but he wishes the best for you.”

“I’m not sure I buy that,” I reply doubtfully. “He says that and then afterwards he acts like it never happened –”

“He’s checking himself into rehab,” she interrupts, sounding serious. “I don’t know how he’s done it, but he’s getting into a good one and everything has already been paid for. He won’t even be in the same city come next week.”

I feel bitter and I'm surprised by my reaction. On one hand, I’m happy that he’s making these changes for himself. On the other hand, where was this drive when we were together? All I see when I think of him is that angry alcoholic who broke my things and cheated on me while I went through the worst pain of my life.

“Good,” I find myself saying, sourly. “I never want to see him again, Ana. I’ve never wanted to close a chapter so much in my life and never look back.”

“I understand,” she says sympathetically. “I feel like I shouldn’t have told you.”

“No, I’m glad you did. I’m happy he won’t be in the same city as me anymore. I don’t care what happens to him from this point on.”

I’m not being very nice, I know, but he bled me dry emotionally. By the time I realized the damage, it was too late, and now I’m living with this boulder in my chest I can’t shake. I close my eyes and see Isabella. I open them and hear my heart beating in my ears.

I’m coming undone, and Aidan’s hands, while soothing at first, are now drawing out feelings that feel like knives in my chest.

It’s been two weeks since he’s told me he loves me. I don’t have any doubt he feels that for me because I can see it in his eyes, I can feel it in his touches. Aidan has latched onto me hard and strong and he isn’t letting go.

I’m still sore from last night’s session. From his rough hands and passionate kisses. I’m falling for him, too, I feel it and it hurts. Is it supposed to hurt this much, I wonder.

When I get home, I don’t eat the food already prepared in the fridge. I pull out ingredients and make a hearty pasta dish loaded with cheese and meat. I’m tired but I need to work my body.

Aidan messages me, but I don’t look at them just yet. I’m in a daze, lost in thought, trying to process Derek checking himself into rehab.

“Fuck that guy,” I hiss, angrily. “Fuck that guy!”

Everything is suddenly coming to the surface.

I should have left him a long time ago.

I shake my head to myself. No, no, I’m damning the wrong person.

“Fuck me,” I say, feeling my eyes water. “I should have left years ago. Stupid and fucking weak Ivy. So fucking stupid.”

So much wasted time. Who knows where I would have wound up had I listened to my gut sooner and left him. Maybe Isabella wouldn’t have happened, and I pause right then, tears springing to my eyes. Would that have been better? If she hadn’t happened at all? Would not knowing this pain have been better for me?

I finish the meal an hour later and leave it sitting on