The Ware Tetralogy by Rudy Rucker (most important books of all time .txt) 📖

“I get it,” said Willy. “The little pieces of imipolex will be like customized chips were before the chipmold ate them. Let’s call the sluglets DIMs. For _D_esigner _IM_ipolex.”

“DIMs!” exclaimed Ulam approvingly. “You have a gift for the genial turn of phrase, Willy. One must perforce be dim to spend one’s life inside an engine or a toaster, repetitiously computing at some wheezing flesher’s behest.”

“It sure would help if I could use this equipment,” said Willy, forlornly looking at the computer devices resting on the shelves of the workshop. Most of them had fuzzy crests of mold growing out of their air vents. “Even if we had electricity, they wouldn’t work anymore. How can I program a DIM without any engineering tools?”

“Use me,” said Ulam “As long as you can tell me what each DIM is supposed to do, I can program it by temporarily merging it with my flesh and thinking the pattern into it. I lack only a knowledge of how the bemolded human chips were designed—the microcode, the architecture, the black-box in/out of the pin I/O. You’re the superhacker, Willy. Instruct me, and let us tinker together.”

During the next few feverish Florida months, Willy was to experience a unique burst of creativity. With the assistance of his trusty ‘Cloak Ulam, Willy Taze founded the new computer science of limpware engineering, crafted the first DIMs, and topped it all off by inventing the uvvy in September.

But in mid-May, Willy and Ulam were still just getting started. This was when the Selena’s crew and passengers were released, seven or eight weeks after the start of their quarantine. Willy couldn’t afford to press forward amid the few reporters who made it there, but he managed to follow Fern Seller to her temporary squat in one of the abandoned motels of Cocoa.

When he knocked on her door, Fern opened it right away. She was a dark-haired woman with a wide soft mouth and a lazy-sounding voice. Willy introduced himself.

“Hi. I’m Willy Taze. Stahn Mooney said you’d help me get up to the Moon.”

“Come on in, Willy. The Selena won’t be ready to fly again for months. I definitely need entertaining. There’s no water here. How would you like to wash me off with your tongue?”

The luscious Fern was serious, sort of, though it was pretty obvious that there was one special area she wanted Willy to lick the most of all. They undressed, took off their Happy Cloaks, and got into bed together, but then—Willy couldn’t go through with it, with any of it.

Over the years, Willy had spent uncounted hours having cybersex via porno viddies, blue cephscope tapes, chat rooms, teledildonics, and the like. Yet when it came to getting a real flesh-and-blood girlfriend and consummating the love act with her, some problem had always intervened. Willy had written it off to bad luck and geekishness, but now in Fern’s funky bed he fully realized the awful truth.

“I can’t, Fern. I just can’t stand the idea of really doing it in person.”

“Not even a straight missionary fuck, for God’s sake?”

“I… I can’t get that intimate. I mean all the hair and skin and germs and bodily fluids—” Shakily, Willy got out of bed and started putting his clothes back on.

“Are you gay?”

“No! Gay sex would be even worse. All the porno I ever use is het.”

“You use het porno, but you won’t fuck a woman? All you ever do is watch?”

“Uh, sometimes I go interactive with women across the Net. I have like some special peripherals hooked to my cephscope at home. You always hope they’re women, anyway.”

“So why not get back in bed and you and me touch each other? Hands are peripheral. And I am a woman.”

“I can’t do it, Fern. You’re very attractive, and I would totally go for you across a remote link. But I see now that I can’t do it in person.”

On the floor Ulam was pressed up against Fern’s Happy Cloak. “We want to tryst,” said Ulam, speaking out of a flexible membrane on his skin. “Her name is Flouncey.”

“Sure,” said Willy. “You’re lucky, Ulam. Is it okay with you, Fern?”

“Oh, you’re too good to do me, but your ‘Cloak wants to hump mine?” snapped Fern. “Thanks a lot. If we had dogs, we could watch them fucking too. Would you get off on that? You’re a gunjy bithead, Willy.”

“Don’t be angry, Fern,” said Ulam. “Willy is a genius, the first and noblest of the limpware engineers. He and I are machinating a scheme to sell DIMs through the Little Kidders Superstore. Did not ISDN send you and the Selena down to distribute imipolex? Willy is the man to bring this plan to fruition. And I am the moldie to make Flouncey happy. She and I are already exceedingly fond of each other. Her high intellectuality is a joy after my dealings with the beastlike slugs of the Selena’s dispersed cargo.”

“You’ve been collecting the slugs?” said Fern, her face brightening. She was sitting up in the bed with the sheet pulled around her. “At least that’s some good news. I thought maybe the whole cargo was lost. How much of it have you recovered, Ulam?”

“Twenty slugs. At roughly fifty kilograms each, that makes one ton out of the ten you brought down. Much of the imipolex was destroyed in flames by the ignorant fleshers. And I fear many of the slugs have disappeared into the sea.”

“And what are these DIMs you want to make, Willy?” asked Fern.

“DIMs are tiny designer imipolex slugs to replace the world’s computers and chips,” answered Willy. They’ll weigh about a gram each. Ulam’s collected enough imipolex to make a million of them. I already have the basic design process worked out. I use an architecture like a parallel pipeline based on fractal Feigenbaum cascades. It’s a perfect fit for what chipmold-infected imipolex is good at; I can’t believe I thought of it. And Ulam can program them just by touching them, once I tell him what to do. I made up a special new computer language for telling him. I call this first version of the language Limplan-A.”

“You’ve already done all that for us, Willy? Are you sure you don’t want to fuck me?”

“Um, if we could do it while we’re in different rooms. But the damn Net’s broken. Of course… we could link up using Ulam and Flouncey.”

Now Flouncey spoke up. She had a melodic husky voice like Fern’s. “Ulam and I would have to get to know each other better first. Maybe later we can hook you two up. Like much later. Can we go outside now, Fern?”

“For sure. I don’t want to give Willy a remote hand job. Yuckola. I think we should just be good friends, Willy. There’s plenty of men for me—and plenty of porno for you.”

“Fine.”

Flouncey and Ulam went outside and lay down next to the algae-green swimming pool. The mold-mottled wads of lunar plastic began touching each other—a little at first and then much more.

“How romantic,” said Fern acidly and pulled on her clothes. “Let’s talk about the DIM business, Willy. What’s going to be the first product?”

“With the electricity still out, there’s no point in making DIMs for kitchen appliances.”

“Maybe I can get you permission to fix the power plants,” mused Fern. “ISDN has a lot of contacts. But meanwhile—what about cars?”

“That would work. I could make DIMs to replace the controller cards in car engines.”

After a week, Willy and Ulam had produced twenty special DIMs for running car engines. They patched one onto Louise’s old buggy, and Willy, Fern, Ulam, and Flouncey drove to the Little Kidders Superstore.

The sight of a functioning car was a sensation; in half an hour they’d sold all twenty DIMs. Of course the Little Kidders got wind of this, and two of them came out of the Red Ball to talk. They introduced themselves as Aarbie Kidd and Haf-N-Haf.

Haf-N-Haf was an unsettling sight—a fat, sloppy, fortyish man with piebald stubble all over his head and chin. He was missing all the teeth in the right half of his mouth, and that side of his face was slack and caved in. He spoke in a slobbering, nearly incomprehensible lisp.

But Aarbie was young and powerfully built, with a shaved head that had laser-precise tattoos of flames, blue on one side and red on the other. The flames swept back from his eyes. His teeth were white and even; his skin was an attractive pale brown. Haf-N-Haf deferred to him, and Fern seemed interested. “Kin y’all git my motorcycle to workin’ agin?” asked Aarbie.

“We can do it,” said Ulam from the backseat of Louise’s car.

Aarbie peered in at Ulam and Flouncey. “What the hell is this shit? Talkin’ slugs?” He wrinkled his nose at the characteristic odor. “Fooo-eee!”

“We’re moldies,” said Ulam. “There will be many more of us here soon.”

“Remember that it’s thanks to them we can fix your motorcycle,” said Fern didactically. Aside from monetary gain, one of the big reasons for selling DIMs was to get people to accept the moldies.

“I bet Fewn can fix evewyfing wif her puffy,” lisped Haf-N-Haf, and Aarbie went into high peals of unpleasant hyena laughter, overly prolonged. Willy felt like punching him, but Fern kept control of the situation.

“I’ve heard a lot about how important the Little Kidders are around here,” said the calm Fern. “So we certainly value your friendship. Why don’t you let Ulam take a look at your bike, Aarbie, so he can get the specs for the chip? Once it’s working, I wouldn’t mind at all if you took me for a nice long ride.”

“Oh yeah?” grinned Aarbie, pleasantly surprised. “Oh yeah? Who all’s Ulam?”

“Behold,” said Ulam, flowing out of the car window. “Where is your mechanical steed, oh flesher?”

Aarbie wheeled his bike out from inside the Red Ball, and Ulam pulled the infected processor card out of the engine. The next day Ulam and Willy delivered a droplet-sized DIM to control the motorcycle engine, and Fern spent the night with Aarbie.

The day after that, Fern gave Aarbie DIMs for all the other Little Kidders’ bikes, and Aarbie, who, of course, turned out to be the gang leader, agreed that the Little Kidders would sign on as the transportation and security division of the new operation. Just to fuck with the Gimmie’s head, ISDN incorporated Fern and Willy’s new company out of South Africa and named it Mbanje DeGroot, with Willy the president and Fern the CEO. At old Louise’s suggestion, Willy and Ulam moved their operations out of Louise’s garage and rented a rarely used pheezer dance hall near a bar and grill called the Gray Area. Fern and Flouncey started working there too.

As the word about the Mbanje DeGroot DIMs spread, the demand for them grew superexponentially. The Little Kidders cruised the streets, handling DIM orders and deliveries and buying up any rogue slugs of imipolex that people had trapped.

In order to ramp up production, Mbanje DeGroot needed electricity for metal machines to slice and dice the imipolex, plus more moldies to program the DIMs.

As promised, Fern used her ISDN connections to get a contract for Willy and Ulam to replace the crucial computerized components of the local electric power generation and distribution centers, which solved the electricity problem for them and for everyone else in their part of Florida.

Ulam and Flouncey joyously mated four times in a row, cloning