Plays 2: Weird Time Blues Shuffle by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (world of reading TXT) 📖

we do not do it unfairly. I think he is being paranoid! 

 

VC: Good point -- it does sound as if you are looking into things that do not seem to be there!

 

RJB: You fuck wits! That is my point! You can’t see it, because you refuse to see it!

 

VC: Okay, Miss Scrut can you comment?

 

Scrut: Sure. Well, I would say that our settlement does share some aspects to a totalitarian society -- the control of information, the need for compromise and order. But what society does not? See we have the liberal scope to offer access to information, where we have a pure democratic structure unpolluted by the needs of a capitalist democracy. We do not control, or want to destroy, but want co-operation. Compromise and co-operation --

 

RJB: Buzz words, mere buzz words. They dull your senses with all this fake info and you are trying to whitewash things!

 

Scrut: Will you let me finish please?

 

PO: [To the RJB.] Shut up, mate!

 

VC: Come on let’s keep this light-not-too-heavy! People will think the Tories are back from the dead! Shall we play a game? How about Ludo? Okay, folks, this has heated up to hothothot; and, as you can see, the law is on the back foot and this rebel, a celebrity here, Mr. Rebby Rebel RJB, is certainly opening our shift-filled eyes!

 

Scrut: He bloody well is not! He's just a pessimist!

 

RJB: See, if you seek the truth then you are a pessimist!

 

VC: Okay, let’s calm down. Have some drinks.

 

[RJB, Scrut and the PO take drinks off a table]

 

VC: While , we are having that break, let’s get your views. Yes, that’s right what you think! [Goes up to members of the audience and asks them about proceedings.] As you can see no-one really cares to much, but they like the way things are. Better than what they were. So dictatorship or not, Domia is certainly a lot better than the shi-muck we used to live in. The important question is who is lying?

 

RJB: I’m not! I’m for the people! I lurrve peeeepal!

 

VC: Look, you can’t plug your song on here mate! Another remix is it?

 

RJB: I’m not plugging anything! I’m just being a radical!

 

PO: Being a twat more like!

 

RJB: Witness for yourselves! It's a suppression of free speech! They’re ganging up on me, they’re so rude! Defend free speech! Defend me!

 

Scrut: Shame this free speech lark entitles us to so much bollocks!

 

VC: Don’t be so anti-democratic! Ah! Folks, tis a dark day! Representatives of the state are talking very badly about the codes we trust! I think they are lying! So I shall kill them!

 

Scrut: I wasn’t saying that!  Wait a minute -- don’t be extreme! Okay, there may be free speech -- but who is listening to this [Referring to RJB.] charlatan!

 

VC: I told you chancers before! Don’t plug your records or the bands you are in! Can’t anyone go on a chat show these days and not have to plug something! Oh, I suppose you are only doing this because of your tour right? Chancers! All of you will die! You celebrities do fuck all and think you are in a class of your own -- you are a class of puppets! Who should do something with the recognition that other people need to get things done! [Pulls a gun out and points it at Scrut.] Die, you silly model! Die! Die!

 

RJB: No! don’t kill her! No!

 

[As VC shoots, RJB shields Scrut and takes a bullet in the gut for her. He collapses in pain and tries to steady himself up. In the process he grabs hold of Scrut’s breasts. Scrut screams. VC does a crazed pantomime laugh, as he turns his gun on the Police Officer. The PO knocks the gun out the hand of the VC, but really bad 1970s kung-fu moves. ]

 

Scrut: Ah! Look, this revolutionary is groping me! Oh! I knew they were all filthy unshaven bastards! Quick save me from this crusty!

 

RJB: You silly cow, I’m in pain here! Help me! Help!

 

[Scrut gets the RJB in a headlock and starts punching him. The Rebel RJB screams like a girl. The PO chases VC round the set of the Chat Show.]

 

RJB: You are all bloody mad! Help!

 

PO: Come here you terrorist! I will get you for this! Oh, you’ve had it now!

 

VC: Come on then, let’s see what you are made of!

 

[The VC and PO dance around trying to do some form of dance-karate. But VC gets the PO in a arm-lock, like the Police would do to make an arrest. The PO screams , then he sticks his fingers up VC’s bottom. They struggle for a bit, but VC enjoys this, as, with accompanying SFX, we hear all the gory, slimy, noises. But then the PO grabs VC’s privates and yanks them wildly. The VC screams, in pain this time. Not pleasure.]

 

PO: [in a Walkie Talkie.] I have made an arrest boys! Hello?... Hello?...Yes, get me into the Hall of Fame! I think I have made have made two!

 

Scrut: Don’t worry the Rebel is unconscious! [Turns to face the camera/audience.] As you can see, citizens of Domia, there are evil forces at work. We have stopped this ‘pants dance of evil’. This is all, of course, part of the nature of why humans fight. Hopefully, you will trust the State of Domia and help us in our quest to bring society up to date with the needs of every individual. Always keep your mind open, but that is all we have time for today!

 

[The studio audience are told to clap as people hold up cheap boards with ‘APPLAUSE’ written on them. As they hold the boards up, the lettering falls off, to leave 'APP    S'. ]

 

Scene7: Hospital.

[The Rebel is in a bed. He looks well. He has a huge plaster on his stomach. The Doctor enters. We hear loud cries and jeers from offstage.]

 

RJB: That was a quick operation. Can I go?

 

Dr.: I wouldn’t advise it. You have a huge, angry, mob gathered outside here waiting for you!

 

RJB: My supporters! Oh, I knew the good would out and workers of the world would unite in Domia! They realise I represent the people! I AM THE PEOPLE!

 

Dr.: No, they think you’re twat and they want to kill you!  You have received death-threats and suspenders -- the looney works! They want the death pictures. You know they want raw footage.

 

RJB: But why? It can be faked. And I saved the life of Miss Scrut! I took a bullet for her -- the last bullet in Domia! I took it, buddy! I done it to save her! I’m not violent -- only when others are violent, of course!

 

Dr.: Well, they think you are an annoying trouble maker and that they will kill you to preserve their society. I would kill you myself , but I have to be professional! Plus I don't want you secretly masturbating over me. You know there's a condition for what you've-- 

 

RJB: Cheers. Thank you for your compassion, Doc.

 

Dr.: That’s all good, chum! You set the whole thing up as a cheap ploy to get attention and hope that people here will like you. They don't, live with it! Your phony politics has no place here! We saw through that one!

 

RJB: No, you don’t get it! Did you call me chum? I didn’t --

 

Dr.: The Mayor wants to see you. You better go there now. Go on you are free.

 

RJB: But the mob? I can’t defend myself!

 

Dr.: Don’t worry. [Hands RJB a jar with a bullet in it. RJB accepts it.].Here is the last ever bullet in Domia. You could sell it, or donate it, to the museum. I will see you to his office. It’s only up the stairs here.

 

[They step across into a box room office.]

 

Scene 8: Office.

[The Mayor works at a desk, which is for children. He sits on a little red chair.]

 

Mayor: Ah! So you’re the boring rebel! [RJB and the Mayor shake hands.] Let me take your bullet for you. [RJB hands the Mayor the jar. The Dr. then frisks RJB.] Just a precaution, old boy. You might want to kill me! That Bush-Blair-Bin-Lada-Dada company guy wants to get me, and all of those other cronies who just follow him. I’m the Mayor and I run this town my way. I don't look like Gary Cooper, do I? [RJB shrugs.] Damn, that's what I thought! Everything is cool, but you sort are so depressed. What do you want?

 

RJB: Well, I discovered this place by accident -- like in ‘The Beach’? Yeah, anyway, I didn’t mean to cause trouble, it is just this place is undemocratic! Well, it's alien to me! How can you people survive without no money! I mean, come on! The army is forcing them too work!

 

Mayor: No-one is forcing anyone! Get that into your head! We have no army! Look join in-if you want, or we will pay you to get lost again.

 

[Pause.]

 

RJB: Are you asking me to leave Domia?

 

Mayor: We will get you back to the main road. You can get to Hounslow or somewhere from there.

 

RJB: But, maybe, I might not want to leave? Do you get what I’m saying? I could run for office.

 

Mayor: That’s unlikely: the public hate you!  Anyway, you populists thrive on being minor celebs. Look, you have twelve hours or you will be lost permanently.

 

[Pause.]

 

RJB: I don’t get it!

 

Mayor: You know, lost, lost! Buried? Sleeping with --

 

RJB: Oh, you mean a permanent vacation!

 

[Pause.]

 

Mayor: What is it with you celebs -- plugging me another one useless package of tat to sell, films, albums and sex toys?

 

Dr.: No, that’s Toys in the Attic, an ‘Aerosmith’ album., isn’t it? He is not in ‘Aerosmith’!

 

RJB: You didn't get what I said about that permanent vacation, did you?

 

Mayor: [paranoid.] Are you an undercover agent for ‘Aerosmith’? You queer crusty. Who are you?

 

[Pause, as they check their scripts.]

 

RJB: Oh, I get the lost, lost part now. I'll be a lost boy!

 

[Beat.]

 

Mayor: I’m completely lost with this conversation! I was trying to be subtle at some stage, but our wires must have got crossed!

 

RJB: I don’t have any wires -- unless you put some in me! I will kill you all if I’m a monster! What have you done to me?

 

Dr.: No, you will probably be killed by a violent mob!

 

Mayor: Shhh! The walls are thin and the mob is outside! Stop shouting -- we must keep this a secret.

 

[The Mob shouts and screams. They tear up the scripts.]

 

Mob: [off; Angry, of course.] We can hear you! Them walls are very thin!

 

Mayor: Look, we will leave you in the care of Mrs. Scrut.

 

RJB: Oh, not her! She’s mad! Wait up, did you say Mrs? She’s married?

 

Dr.: The police officer who saved her life married her. They made raging, passionate, love after you got shot and they had a mind-scan. It was all routine. I watched it all of course.[Don’t tell them that, though. He needed a helping hand! ]

 

[Dr and RJB snigger. Mayor silences them.]

 

Mayor:  Do not mock the union of two of the finest law enforcers in Domia. Actually, they are the only two active law enforcers in Domia ever. Apart from some voluntary staff, but they don't count, do they? [Closes his eyes.] Scrut, I am in your mind-big brother, I'm watching you!…Foreplay huh?…It's quite large!…Get dressed and come to my office…Now!…Come, come now! [Opens his eyes very quickly.] There that message was sent.

 

RJB: That’s quite a skill -- can you do that to everyone? Surely that must be an invasion of privacy! And you said big brother is watching you! That's a copyright infringement right there -- I knew you people were control freaks!

 

Mayor: It’s just our little joke. I interrupted them during an intimate moment! It can't be helped, I didn’t mean too, honest! I’m not a perv!

 

RJB: How can I warn the people that you get into their minds! I bet you are going to interrogate me! Can you