Notes Of A Dead Man Sequel (Notes - #3) by Clive Cooper (best contemporary novels .TXT) 📖

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0:16:25: -Reagan: My mother always told me that it was perfectly alright to be a shark. One recent study by the International Institute of Cipangu concluded that the world is much more alright to eat raw fishies than in the past hundred years. Shark! Shark! America is an abomination that will not eat fish properly! Twelve. If I had been born a shark, this world would be fair. Two. Three. Sharknado. Now there you go again.

 

0:17:17: -Reagan: I like having lots and lots of teeth. Lots of teeth is the best foreign policy. If you want to punch a shark, the snout is the most sensitive place, but the tail works too. Sharks are the next stage of evolution. My secondary mutation is scaly skin. Hit me when I'm down, in the snout; if you do that, I won't hurt you as badly. That's not a threat.

0:17:50: I am a shark!

0:18:20: [Audience Laughs]

0:18:30: [Reagan is now almost completely Selachian]

0:18:45: -Reagan: The Papal City, April 2013. Seizing the means of production is a crime perpetrated by the basest of fish. A storm of sharks from the heavens! It will be glorious!

0:18:50: [Reagan starts making pinging noises. Later theorized to be a form of Selachian echolocation. Observers report a sense of unease; however, no cognitohazardous effects detected. Pinging continues until end of tape at 20:00]

Centre agents in and around Vatican City were put in high alert for two years, to account for temporal drift, starting in the March of 2012. However, on 4/█/2013, an unexpected supercell tornado appeared in the San Francisco Bay, picking up an undetected school of Baseline-Type Selachian Entities and scattering it throughout the city of San Francisco. Deployment to the area was limited and underestimated the threat at first, resulting in a minor UK-Class (Unpunched Selachian) Beach Event. Centre forces were quickly mobilized, but the distribution of Selachian Entities made comprehensive pugilism impossible. A Centre-sponsored disinformation campaign promoted the Beach Event as viral marketing for the recent film Sharknado.

The geographical confusion in the event was later determined to be related to the recent election of Pope Francis. The GLACON system had predicted an approximately 25% chance of the Beach Event taking place in San Francisco; however, decreasingly cryptic communications by the SPC-1981 entity or entities had led to increasingly literal interpretations of information.

 

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0:17:33: -Reagan [singing]: Under the sea… under the sea! Life is a lark, when you're a shark, a shark like meeeeee! Up on the fields they labor away, we'll seize the means of production someday! While we be sharks, down where it's dark, under the sea!

[REDACTED FOR EXTREME OBSCENITY]

0:15:12 [Members of the Academy appear to have engaged in an elaborate dance number that involves punching.]

0:19:01: -Reagan: Under the sea…. under the sea! When this film comes out, the world will shout, they'll be like meeee! That is the way, we'll make people see, this is the the way, the world ought to be, we'll all be sharks, it'll be a lark, we'll all have fins, we'll all go swim, under the sea!

0:19:55: -Reagan: Now there we go again! Ba-da-bum!

Following this playback, Centre agents were dispatched to ██████ Studios in Hollywood, where they confiscated the film reels of ███ ██████ ███████, a film that depicted several Selachian entities behaving in a non-aggressive manner. No cognitohazardous effects were discovered in the incomplete reels. However, following the return and release of the reels, Centre personnel a number of police reports describing disruptions outside of several Hollywood movie studios suggested that the final reels, specifically the musical number █████ ███ ███, was indeed infected by an infohazard that caused audiences to believe that they were Deviant-Type Selachian Entities capable of terrestrial ambulation and melodic vocalization. Notably, this infohazard is not present in the playback of SPC-1981. The affected film reels were confiscated and purged of infohazard for widespread release, and the city of Hollywood showed no anomalous symptoms after being dosed with airborne Class A amnestics3. This event led to the acquisition and augmentation of SPC-████.

 

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0:15:36: -Reagan: When I was a boy I went down to Omaha Beach. My grandmother took me fishing in the meadows. And there I saw the Megalodon. It told me that Kitty Hawk is a great place at this time of year.

0:15:49: [Video surveillance logs note that Agent ███████, on duty at the time, has started pacing the room]

0:16:01: -Reagan: Megalodon. A harvest of seals there will be, at Kitty Hawk! Seals with blubber, so ready and fat, so ripe for the taking. A wonderful harvest of fatty fatty fatty seals. Now there you go again.

0:16:17: [Agent ███████ has stopped pacing and is now staring at the screen. Reagan is mostly Selachian.]

0:16:20: -Reagan: But the body of human fat doesn't taste as good as seals. Smells good, but tastes putrid, like poison. Sticks in the teeth, makes meals unappealing. Makes it harder to dodge the blows. Fat humans? Taste horrible! Fatty fish? Yum, yum! Now there you go again.

[At this point, Agent ███████ approaches the GLACON input console to take note of a possible Pugnatorial technique; however, before he can finish, Reagan speaks again]

0:16:39: -Reagan: And that's why I, personally, will not be going to Kitty Hawk next weekend.

[Video logs indicate Agent ███████ immediately punches the television repeatedly until it shatters, preventing the remainder of the playback from being recorded. Attending personnel enter the room and restrain Agent ███████]

When questioned, Agent ███████ claimed that SPC-1981 had "insulted his mother." Upon being pressed further, Agent ███████ admitted that his mother had recently complained that her doctor had classified her as slightly overweight, and that her Women's Association was going on a day trip to the Kitty Hawk Beach over the next weekend. Centre agents were summarily dispatched to Kitty Hawk where they encountered an abnormally high level of Selachian Entities, and they engaged in pugilism. No civilian casualties were noted from the incident, and Agent ███████'s mother's trip occurred without incident.

Since this incident, a statistically significant number of playbacks have predicted Selachian Incursion Events at locations where the close friends or family of observing agents, henceforth referred to as subjects, have future plans for recreation. Agents are advised that SPC-1981 has insulted the weights, heights, good tastes, and [REDACTED] of its subjects; however, foreknowledge of these events has allowed the Centre to increase its rate of direct Selachian pugilism. Furthermore, a statistically low rate of Selachian-Induced Injuries have affected subjects of SPC-1981 compared to the general population. While distressing to collect data from, agents are reminded that SPC-1981 has never resulted in lethal injury for its subjects.

 

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0:00:00: [Long shot of podium as well as empty chairs normally occupied by Reagan and Academy Members.]

0:00:30 - [Camera zooms in on podium.]

0:02:55 - [Entity known as ONYX POET enters shot from left and stands at podium. Entity begins slowly moving hands, later determined to be using American Sign Language.]

0:03:10 - SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE FUCK

0:03:45 - I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP

0:04:02 - I HATE THE ABERRATION TOO, YOU KNOW

0:04:36 - YET YOU'VE TRIED TO PUNCH ME AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH

0:05:55 - SCREW YOU

0:06:13 - I'M OUT

 

0:06:23 - [Entity remains still for the remainder of the recording]

0:19:05 - [Telcan flashes to single frame intertitle with words "STOP PUNCHING SHARKS" colored in red. Holds for remainder of tape. Personnel watching recordings of this playback are advised to remain calm and remember that the entity has provided ██████ pieces of useful intelligence in previous recordings.]

Following this incident, Entity ONYX POET has not reappeared. Personnel are to immediately engage in diplomatic appeasement should it do so.

Footnotes1. Selachian Resistance Index, used to measure an agent's self-control under stressful situations2. This may have been in error, since following his exposure to knowledge of SPC-1981, Reagan has increasingly set his movies in tropical locations with ocean access, and has purportedly become a connoisseur of sushi.3. Debated; there was an unprecedented renaissance in musical productions in Hollywood following the event; see Young, J (2010, April) ███ ██████ ███████ and the rebirth of animation, █████████████ ██████, Retrieved from [REDACTED]

SCP-2917: Twice-Stable Wormhole

This was my first SCP.

I'd been reading the site for about three years, more or less, before I finally decided to create an account and try my hand at writing my own skip. Went through the incredibly valuable guides, registered, made a sandbox page, and started writing.

The idea started out as a kind of a horror thing - exploring the concept of being left, stranded and alone, on an alien world with zero chance of rescue.

This is not what got published.

That's mostly because I'm not a good enough author to deal with putting much emotion into my work. I can totally nail the specifics, which is important - I can make a skip look like a plausible piece of technical writing - but actual emotion and personality is something I can't easily do. It's one of my limitations.

Then I started exploring some more stuff. The focus was now on meticulous study - on the Foundation working out exactly how this thing works, what it does, and what makes it suddenly shift its target planet. I published that.

And it got some wonderful criticism. I'm not being sarcastic, it was really good critique. I published a rewrite about a week or two later, but at that point nobody saw it because it had moved off of the "new pages" list. If you read it back then, I'd advise you go take another look. Maybe I turned a downvote into an upvote somewhere!

 

SCP-2597: Minus Two Kilograms

My second and most popular SCP.

This one has a bit of a story with it. It had, at this point, been about a month since I published 2597. I wanted to write another skip, but I just couldn't come up with a viable concept. I played around with a pen that makes anything you write with it true within a certain radius, but then I was alerted to something very similar - and it was an 001 proposal.

Anyway, I got bored in physics class. I started thinking back to some really basic stuff - namely Newton's Second Law. I started contemplating what I knew about forces and what would happen if you messed around with some weird numbers.

An object with infinite mass would just sit there. Also it would turn into a black hole, but what fun is that?

An object with zero mass would, interestingly enough, resist motion as