Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

it was Satan that suspended my

understanding, making me think it to be good, in order to

withdraw me from mental prayer, hinder my meditation on the

Passion, and debar me the use of my understanding: this seemed to

me, who did not comprehend the matter, to be a grievous loss but,

as His Majesty was pleased to give me light to offend Him no

more, and to understand how much I owed Him, this fear so grew

upon me, that it made me seek diligently for spiritual persons

with whom I might treat of my state. I had already heard of

some; for the Fathers of the Society of Jesus had come

hither; [3] and I, though I knew none of them, was greatly

attracted by them, merely because I had heard of their way of

life and of prayer; but I did not think myself fit to speak to

them, or strong enough to obey them; and this made me still more

afraid; for to converse with them, and remain what I was, seemed

to me somewhat rude.

4. I spent some time in this state, till, after much inward

contention and fear, I determined to confer with some spiritual

person, to ask him to tell me what that method of prayer was

which I was using, and to show me whether I was in error. I was

also resolved to do everything I could not to offend God; for the

want of courage of which I was conscious, as I said before, [4]

made me so timid. Was there ever delusion so great as mine, O my

God, when I withdrew from good in order to become good!

The devil must lay much stress on this in the beginning of a

course of virtue; for I could not overcome my repugnance.

He knows that the whole relief of the soul consists in conferring

with the friends of God. Hence it was that no time was fixed in

which I should resolve to do this. I waited to grow better

first, as I did before when I ceased to pray, [5]—and perhaps I

never should have become better; for I had now sunk so deeply

into the petty ways of an evil habit,—I could not convince

myself that they were wrong,—that I needed the help of others,

who should hold out a hand to raise me up. Blessed be Thou, O

Lord!—for the first hand outstretched to me was Thine.

5. When I saw that my fear was going so far, it struck

me—because I was making progress in prayer—that this must be a

great blessing, or a very great evil; for I understood perfectly

that what had happened was something supernatural, because at

times I was unable to withstand it; to have it when I would was

also impossible. I thought to myself that there was no help for

it, but in keeping my conscience pure, avoiding every occasion

even of venial sins; for if it was the work of the Spirit of God,

the gain was clear; and if the work of Satan, so long as I strove

to please, and did not offend, our Lord, Satan could do me little

harm; on the contrary, he must lose in the struggle.

Determined on this course, and always praying God to help me,

striving also after purity of conscience for some days, I saw

that my soul had not strength to go forth alone to a perfection

so great. I had certain attachments to trifles, which, though

not very wrong in themselves, were yet enough to ruin all.

6. I was told of a learned ecclesiastic, [6] dwelling in this

city, whose goodness and pious life our Lord was beginning to

make known to the world. I contrived to make his acquaintance

through a saintly nobleman [7] living in the same place.

This latter is a married man; but his life is so edifying and

virtuous, so given to prayer, and so full of charity, that the

goodness and perfection of it shine forth in all he does: and

most justly so; for many souls have been greatly blessed through

him, because of his great gifts, which, though his condition of a

layman be a hindrance to him, never lie idle. He is a man of

great sense, and very gentle with all people; his conversation is

never wearisome, but so sweet and gracious, as well as upright

and holy, that he pleases everybody very much with whom he has

any relations. He directs it all to the great good of those

souls with whom he converses and he seems to have no other end in

view but to do all he may be permitted to do for all men, and

make them content.

7. This blessed and holy man, then, seems to me, by the pains he

took, to have been the beginning of salvation to my soul.

His humility in his relations with me makes me wonder; for he had

spent, I believe, nearly forty years in prayer,—it may be two or

three years less,—and all his life was ordered with that

perfection which his state admitted. His wife is so great a

servant of God, and so full of charity, that nothing is lost to

him on her account, [8]—in short, she was the chosen wife of one

who God knew would serve Him so well. Some of their kindred are

married to some of mine. Besides, I had also much communication

with another great servant of God, married to one of my

first cousins.

8. It was thus I contrived that the ecclesiastic I speak of, who

was so great a servant of God, and his great friend, should come

to speak to me, intending to confess to him, and to take him for

my director. When he had brought him to speak to me, I, in the

greatest confusion at finding myself in the presence of so holy a

man, revealed to him the state of my soul, and my way of prayer.

He would not be my confessor; he said that he was very much

occupied: and so, indeed, he was. He began with a holy

resolution to direct me as if I was strong,—I ought to have been

strong, according to the method of prayer which he saw I

used,—so that I should in nothing offend God. When I saw that

he was resolved to make me break off at once with the petty ways

I spoke of before, [9] and that I had not the courage to go forth

at once in the perfection he required of me, I was distressed;

and when I perceived that he ordered the affairs of my soul as if

I ought to be perfect at once, I saw that much more care was

necessary in my case. In a word, I felt that the means he would

have employed were not those by which my soul could be helped

onwards; for they were fitted for a soul more perfect than mine;

and though the graces I had received from God were very many, I

was still at the very beginning in the matter of virtue and

of mortification.

9. I believe certainly, if I had only had this ecclesiastic to

confer with, that my soul would have made no progress; for the

pain it gave me to see that I was not doing—and, as I thought,

could not do—what he told me, was enough to destroy all hope,

and make me abandon the matter altogether. I wonder at times how

it was that he, being one who had a particular grace for the

direction of beginners in the way of God, was not permitted to

understand my case, or to undertake the care of my soul. I see

it was all for my greater good, in order that I might know and

converse with persons so holy as the members of the Society

of Jesus.

10. After this, I arranged with that saintly nobleman that he

should come and see me now and then. It shows how deep his

humility was; for he consented to converse with a person so

wicked as I was. He began his visits, he encouraged me, and told

me that I ought not to suppose I could give up everything in one

day; God would bring it about by degrees: he himself had for some

years been unable to free himself from some very slight

imperfections. O humility! what great blessings thou bringest to

those in whom thou dwellest, and to them who draw near to those

who possess thee! This holy man—for I think I may justly call

him so—told me of weaknesses of his own, in order to help me.

He, in his humility, thought them weaknesses; but, if we consider

his state, they were neither faults nor imperfections; yet, in my

state, it was a very great fault to be subject to them.

11. I am not saying this without a meaning, though I seem to be

enlarging on trifles; but these trifles contribute so much

towards the beginning of the soul’s progress and its flight

upwards, though it has no wings, as they say; and yet no one will

believe it who has not had experience of it; but, as I hope in

God that your reverence will help many a soul, I speak of it

here. My whole salvation depended on his knowing how to treat

me, on his humility, on the charity with which he conversed with

me, and on his patient endurance of me when he saw that I did not

mend my ways at once. He went on discreetly, by degrees showing

me how to overcome Satan. My affection for him so grew upon me,

that I never was more at ease than on the day I used to see him.

I saw him, however, very rarely. When he was long in coming, I

used to be very much distressed, thinking that he would not see

me because I was so wicked.

12. When he found out my great imperfections, they might well

have been sins, though since I conversed with him I am somewhat

improved,—and when I recounted to him, in order to obtain light

from him, the great graces which God had bestowed upon me, he

told me that these things were inconsistent one with another;

that these consolations were given to people who had made great

progress, and led mortified lives; that he could not help being

very much afraid—he thought that the evil spirit might have

something to do in my case; he would not decide that question,

however, but he would have me carefully consider my whole method

of prayer, and then tell him of it. That was the difficulty: I

did not understand it myself, and so I could tell him nothing of

my prayer; for the grace to understand it—and, understanding it,

to describe it—has only lately been given me of God.

This saying of his, together with the fear I was in, distressed

me exceedingly, and I cried; for certainly I was anxious to

please God, and I could not persuade myself that Satan had

anything to do with it. But I was afraid, on account of my great

sins, that God might leave me blind, so that I should

understand nothing.

13. Looking into books to see if I could find anything there by

which I might recognise the prayer I practised, I found in one of

them, called the Ascent of the Mount, [10] and in that part of it

which relates to the union of the soul with God, all those marks

which I had in myself, in that I could not think of anything.

This is what I