Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

I never saw with my bodily

eyes, nor, indeed, any other, but only with the eyes of the soul.

Those who understand these things better than I do, say that the

intellectual vision is more perfect than this; and this, the

imaginary vision, much more perfect than those visions which are

seen by the bodily eyes. The latter kind of visions, they say,

is the lowest; and it is by these that the devil can most delude

us. [5] I did not know it then; for I wished, when this grace

had been granted me, that it had been so in such a way that I

could see it with my bodily eyes, in order that my confessor

might not say to me that I indulged in fancies.

6. After the vision was over, it happened that I too

imagined—the thought came at once—I had fancied these things;

so I was distressed, because I had spoken of them to my

confessor, thinking that I might have been deceiving him.

There was another lamentation: I went to my confessor, and told

him of my doubts. He would ask me whether I told him the truth so

far as I knew it; or, if not, had I intended to deceive him?

I would reply, that I told the truth; for, to the best of my

belief, I did not lie, nor did I mean anything of the kind;

neither would I tell a lie for the whole world. [6] This he knew

well enough; and, accordingly, he contrived to quiet me; and I

felt so much the going to him with these doubts, that I cannot

tell how Satan could have put it into my head that I invented

those things for the purpose of tormenting myself.

7. But our Lord made such haste to bestow this grace upon me, and

to declare the reality of it, that all doubts of the vision being

a fancy on my part were quickly taken away, and ever since I see

most clearly how silly I was. For if I were to spend many years

in devising how to picture to myself anything so beautiful, I

should never be able, nor even know how, to do it for it is

beyond the reach of any possible imagination here below: the

whiteness and brilliancy alone are inconceivable. It is not a

brilliancy which dazzles, but a delicate whiteness and a

brilliancy infused, furnishing the most excessive delight to the

eyes, never wearied thereby, nor by the visible brightness which

enables us to see a beauty so divine. It is a light so different

from any light here below, that the very brightness of the sun we

see, in comparison with the brightness and light before our eyes,

seems to be something so obscure, that no one would ever wish to

open his eyes again.

8. It is like most pellucid water running in a bed of crystal,

reflecting the rays of the sun, compared with most muddy water on

a cloudy day, flowing on the surface of the earth. Not that

there is anything like the sun present here, nor is the light

like that of the sun: this light seems to be natural; and, in

comparison with it, every other light is something artificial.

It is a light which knows no night; but rather, as it is always

light, nothing ever disturbs it. In short, it is such that no

man, however gifted he may be, can ever, in the whole course of

his life, arrive at any imagination of what it is. God puts it

before us so instantaneously, that we could not open our eyes in

time to see it, if it were necessary for us to open them at all.

But whether our eyes be open or shut, it makes no difference

whatever; for when our Lord wills, we must see it, whether we

will or not. No distraction can shut it out, no power can resist

it, nor can we attain to it by any diligence or efforts of our

own. I know this by experience well, as I shall show you.

9. That which I wish now to speak of is the manner in which our

Lord manifests Himself in these visions. I do not mean that I am

going to explain how it is that a light so strong can enter the

interior sense, or so distinct an image the understanding, so as

to seem to be really there; for this must be work for learned

men. Our Lord has not been pleased to let me understand how it

is. I am so ignorant myself, and so dull of understanding, that,

although people have very much wished to explain it to me, I have

never been able to understand how it can be.

10. This is the truth: though you, my father, may think that I

have a quick understanding, it is not so; for I have found out,

in many ways, that my understanding can take in only, as they

say, what is given to it to eat. Sometimes my confessor used to

be amazed at my ignorance: and he never explained to me—nor,

indeed, did I desire to understand—how God did this, nor how it

could be. Nor did I ever ask; though, as I have said, [7] I had

converse for many years with men of great learning. But I did

ask them if this or that were a sin or not: as for everything

else, the thought that God did it all was enough for me. I saw

there was no reason to be afraid, but great reason to praise Him.

On the other hand, difficulties increase my devotion; and the

greater the difficulty the greater the increase.

11. I will therefore relate what my experience has shown me; but

how our Lord brought it about, you, my father, will explain

better than I can, and make clear all that is obscure, and beyond

my skill to explain. Now and then it seemed to me that what I

saw was an image; but most frequently it was not so. I thought

it was Christ Himself, judging by the brightness in which He was

pleased to show Himself. Sometimes the vision was so indistinct,

that I thought it was an image; but still not like a picture,

however well painted—and I have seen many good pictures.

It would be absurd to suppose that the one bears any resemblance

whatever to the other, for they differ as a living person differs

from his portrait, which, however well drawn, cannot be lifelike,

for it is plain that it is a dead thing. But let this pass,

though to the purpose, and literally true.

12. I do not say this by way of comparison, for comparisons are

never exact, but because it is the truth itself, as there is the

same difference here that there is between a living subject and

the portrait thereof, neither more nor less: for if what I saw

was an image, it was a living image,—not a dead man, but the

living Christ: and He makes me see that He is God and man,—not

as He was in the sepulchre, but as He was when He had gone forth

from it, risen from the dead. He comes at times in majesty so

great, that no one can have any doubt that it is our Lord

Himself, especially after Communion: we know that He is then

present, for faith says so. He shows Himself so clearly to be

the Lord of that little dwelling-place, that the soul seems to be

dissolved and lost in Christ. O my Jesus, who can describe the

majesty wherein Thou showest Thyself! How utterly Thou art the

Lord of the whole world, and of heaven, and of a thousand other

and innumerable worlds and heavens, the creation of which is

possible to Thee! The soul understands by that majesty wherein

Thou showest Thyself that it is nothing for Thee to be Lord of

all this.

13. Here it is plain, O my Jesus, how slight is the power of all

the devils in comparison with Thine, and how he who is pleasing

unto Thee is able to tread all hell under his feet. Here we see

why the devils trembled when Thou didst go down to Limbus, and

why they might have longed for a thousand hells still lower, that

they might escape from Thy terrible Majesty. I see that it is

Thy will the soul should feel the greatness of Thy Majesty, and

the power of Thy most Sacred Humanity, united with Thy Divinity.

Here, too, we see what the day of judgment will be, when we shall

behold the King in His Majesty, and in the rigour of His justice

against the wicked. Here we learn true humility, imprinted in

the soul by the sight of its own wretchedness, of which now it

cannot be ignorant. Here, also, is confusion of face, and true

repentance for sins; for though the soul sees that our Lord shows

how He loves it, yet it knows not where to go, and so is

utterly dissolved.

14. My meaning is, that so exceedingly great is the power of this

vision, when our Lord shows the soul much of His grandeur and

majesty, that it is impossible, in my opinion, for any soul to

endure it, if our Lord did not succour it in a most supernatural

way, by throwing it into a trance or ecstasy, whereby the vision

of the divine presence is lost in the fruition thereof. It is

true that afterwards the vision is forgotten; but there remains

so deep an impression of the majesty and beauty of God, that it

is impossible to forget it, except when our Lord is pleased that

the soul should suffer from aridity and desolation, of which I

shall speak hereafter; [8] for then it seems to forget God

Himself. The soul is itself no longer, it is always inebriated;

it seems as if a living love of God, of the highest kind, made a

new beginning within it; for though the former vision, which I

said represented God without any likeness of Him, [9] is of a

higher kind, yet because of our weakness, in order that the

remembrance of the vision may last, and that our thoughts may be

well occupied, it is a great matter that a presence so divine

should remain and abide in our imagination. These two kinds of

visions come almost always together, and they do so come; for we

behold the excellency and beauty and glory of the most Holy

Humanity with the eyes of the soul. And in the other way I have

spoken of,—that of intellectual vision,—we learn how He is God,

is mighty, can do all things, commands all things, governs all

things, and fills all things with His love.

15. This vision is to be esteemed very highly; nor is there, in

my opinion, any risk in it, because the fruits of it show that

the devil has no power here. I think he tried three or four

times to represent our Lord to me, in this way, by a false image

of Him. He takes the appearance of flesh, but he cannot

counterfeit the glory which it has when the vision is from God.

Satan makes his representations in order to undo the true vision

which the soul has had: but the soul resists instinctively; is

troubled, disgusted, and restless; it loses that devotion and joy

it previously had, and cannot pray at all. In the beginning, it

so happened to me three or four times. These satanic visions are

very different things; and