If I Stay by Gayle Forman (free children's online books txt) đ
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- Author: Gayle Forman
Book online «If I Stay by Gayle Forman (free children's online books txt) đ». Author Gayle Forman
âOf course he does. Thatâs the fun. Thatâs why weâre all at camp in the middle of a flipping rain forest,â he said, gesturing outside. âThat and the amazing cuisine.â Peter looked at me. âIsnât that why youâre here?â
I shrugged. âI donât know. I havenât played with that many people, at least that many serious people.â
Peter scratched his ears. âReally? You said youâre from Oregon. Ever done anything with the Portland Cello Project?â
âThe what?â
âAvant-garde cello collective, eh. Very interesting work.â
âI donât live in Portland,â I mumbled, embarrassed that Iâd never even heard of any Cello Project.
âWell then, who do you play with?â
âOther people. College students mostly.â
âNo orchestra? No chamber-music ensemble? String quartet?â
I shook my head, remembering a time when one of my student teachers invited me to play in a quartet. Iâd turned her down because playing one-on-one with her was one thing; playing with complete strangers was another. Iâd always believed that the cello was a solitary instrument, but now I was starting to wonder if maybe I was the solitary one.
âHmm. How are you any good?â Peter asked. âI donât mean to sound like an a**hole, but isnât that how you get good? Itâs like tennis. If you play someone crappy, you end up missing shots or serving all sloppy, but if you play with an ace player, suddenly youâre all at the net, lobbing good volleys.â
âI wouldnât know,â I told Peter, feeling like the most boring, sheltered person ever. âI donât play tennis, either.â
The next few days went by in a blur. I had no idea why they put out the kayaks. There was no time for playing. Not that kind, anyway. The days were totally grueling. Up at six-thirty, breakfast by seven, private study time for three hours in the morning and in the afternoon, and orchestra rehearsal before dinner.
Iâd never played with more than a handful of musicians before, so the first few days in orchestra were chaotic. The campâs musical director, who was also the conductor, scrambled to get us situated and then it was everything he could do to get us playing the most basic of movements in any semblance of time. On the third day, he trotted out some Brahms lullabies. The first time we played, it was painful. The instruments didnât blend so much as collide, like rocks caught in a lawn mower. âTerrible!â he screamed. âHow can any of you ever expect to play in a professional orchestra if you cannot keep time on a lullaby? Now again!â
After about a week, it started to gel and I got my first taste of being a cog in the machine. It made me hear the cello in an entirely new way, how its low tones worked in concert with the violaâs higher notes, how it provided a foundation for the woodwinds on the other side of the orchestra pit. And even though you might think that being part of a group would make you relax a little, not care so much how you sounded blended among everyone else, if anything, the opposite was true.
I sat behind a seventeen-year-old viola player named Elizabeth. She was one of the most accomplished musicians in the campâsheâd been accepted into the Royal Conservatory of Music in Torontoâand she was also model-gorgeous: tall, regal, with skin the color of coffee, and cheekbones that could carve ice. I wouldâve been tempted to hate her were it not for her playing. If youâre not careful, the viola can make the most awful screech, even in the hands of practiced musicians. But with Elizabeth the sound rang out clean and pure and light. Hearing her play, and watching how deeply she lost herself in the music, I wanted to play like that. Better even. It wasnât just that I wanted to beat her, but also that I felt like I owed it to her, to the group, to myself, to play at her level.
âThatâs sounding quite beautiful,â Simon said toward the end of camp as he listened to me practice a movement from Haydenâs Cello Concerto no. 2, a piece that had given me no end of trouble when Iâd first attempted it last spring. âAre you using that for the concerto competition?â
I nodded. Then I couldnât help myself, I grinned. After dinner and before lights-out every night, Simon and I had been bringing our cellos outside to hold impromptu concerts in the long twilight. We took turns challenging each other to cello duels, each trying to out-crazy-play the other. We were always competing, always trying to see who could play something better, faster, from memory. It had been so much fun, and was probably one reason why I was feeling so good about the Hayden.
âAhh, someoneâs awfully confident. Think you can beat me?â Simon asked.
âAt soccer. Definitely,â I joked. Simon often told us that he was the black sheep in his family not because he was gay, or a musician, but because he was such a âshitey footballer.â
Simon pretended that Iâd shot him in the heart. Then he laughed. âAmazing things happen when you stop hiding behind that hulking beast,â he said, gesturing to my cello. I nodded. Simon smiled at me. âWell, donât go getting quite so cocky. You should hear my Mozart. It sounds like the bloody angels singing.â
Neither one of us won the solo spot that year. Elizabeth did. And though it would take me four more years, eventually Iâd nab the solo.
Chapter 10
9:06 P.M.
âIâve got exactly twenty minutes before our manager has a total shit fit.â Brooke Vegaâs raspy voice booms in the hospitalâs now-quiet lobby. So this is Adamâs idea: Brooke Vega, the indie-music goddess and lead singer of Bikini. In a trademark punky glam outfitâtonight itâs a short bubble skirt, fishnets, high black leather boots, an artfully ripped-up Shooting Star T-shirt, topped off with a vintage fur shrug and a pair of black Jackie O glassesâshe stands out in the hospital lobby like an ostrich in a chicken coop. Sheâs surrounded by people: Liz and Sarah; Mike and Fitzy, Shooting Starâs rhythm guitarist and bass player, respectively, plus a handful of Portland hipsters who I vaguely recognize. With her magenta hair, sheâs like the sun, around which her admiring planets revolve. Adam is like a moon, standing off to the side, stroking his chin. Meanwhile, Kim looks shell-shocked, like a bunch of Martians just entered the building. Or maybe itâs because Kim worships Brooke Vega. In fact, so does Adam. Aside from me, this was one of the few things they had in common.
âIâll have you out of here in fifteen,â Adam promises, stepping into her galaxy.
She strides toward him. âAdam, baby,â she croons. âHow you holding up?â Brooke encircles him in a hug as if they are old friends, though I know that they only met for the first time today; just yesterday Adam was saying how nervous he was about it. But now sheâs here acting like his best friend. Thatâs the power of the scene, I guess. As she embraces Adam, I see every guy and girl in that lobby watch hungrily, wishing, I imagine, that their own significant other were upstairs in grave condition so that they might be the ones getting the consolatory cuddle from Brooke.
I canât help but wonder if I were here, if I were watching this as regular old Mia, would I feel jealous, too? Then again, if I were regular old Mia, Brooke Vega would not be in this hospital lobby as part of some great ruse to get Adam in to see me.
âOkay, kids. Time to rock-and-roll. Adam, whatâs the plan?â Brooke asks.
âYou are the plan. I hadnât really thought beyond you going up to the ICU and making a ruckus.â
Brooke licks her bee-stung lips. âMaking a ruckus is one of my favorite things to do. What do you think we should do? Let out a primal scream? Strip? Smash a guitar? Wait, I didnât bring my guitar. Damn.â
âYou could sing something?â someone suggests.
âHow about that old Smiths song âGirlfriend in a Comaâ?â someone calls.
Adam blanches at this sudden reality check and Brooke raises her eyebrows in a stern rebuke. Everyone goes serious.
Kim clears her throat. âUm, it doesnât do us any good if Brooke is a diversion in the lobby. We need to go upstairs to the ICU and then maybe someone could shout that Brooke Vega is here. That might do it. If it doesnât, then sing. All we really want is to lure a couple of curious nurses out, and that grouchy head nurse after them. Once she comes out of the ICU and sees all of us in the hall, sheâll be too busy dealing with us to notice that Adam has slipped inside.â
Brooke appraises Kim. Kim in her rumpled black pants and unflattering sweater. Then Brooke smiles and links arms with my best friend. âSounds like a plan. Letâs motor, kids.â
I lag behind, watching this procession of hipsters barrel through the lobby. The sheer noisiness of them, of their heavy boots, and loud voices, buzzed on by their sense of urgency, ricochets through the quiet hush of the hospital and breathes some life into the place. I remember watching a TV program once about old-age homes that brought in cats and dogs to cheer the elderly and dying patients. Maybe all hospitals should import groups of rabble-rousing punk rockers to kick-start the languishing patientsâ hearts.
They stop in front of the elevator, waiting endlessly for one empty enough to ferry them up as a group. I decide that I want to be next to my body when Adam makes it to the ICU. I wonder if I will be able to feel his touch on me. While they wait at the elevator banks, I scramble up the stairs.
Iâve been gone from the ICU for more than two hours, and a lot has changed. There is a new patient in one of the empty beds, a middle-aged man whose face looks like one of those surrealist paintings: half of it looks normal, handsome even, the other half is a mess of blood, gauze, and stitching, like someone just blew it off. Maybe a gunshot wound. We get a lot of hunting accidents around here. One of the other patients, one who was so swaddled in gauze and bandages that I couldnât see if he/she was a man or woman, is gone. In his/her place is a woman whose neck is immobilized in one of those collar things.
As for me, Iâm off my ventilator now. I remember the social worker telling my grandparents and Aunt Diane that this was a positive step. I stop to check if I feel any different, but I donât feel anything, not physically anyhow. I havenât since I was in the car this morning, listening to Beethovenâs Cello Sonata no. 3. Now that Iâm breathing on my own, my wall of machines bleeps far less, so I get fewer visits from the nurses. Nurse Ramirez, the one with the nails, looks over at me every now and again, but sheâs busy with the new guy with the half face.
âHoly crud. Is that Brooke Vega?â I hear someone ask in a totally fakey dramatic voice from
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