Before I Wake by Amicia Bianchi (best ebook reader for laptop .txt) 📖

to be me but in the end it had all been a waste. While in the depths of my sorrow and guilt I saw a woman who looked like Courtney standing in front of me I reconsidered if I was really dead or just dreaming. 2

 
I couldn't believe my eyes, there Courtney stood in front of me. She looked older but I could still tell that it was her. I could never forget her green eyes.

 

“Courtney?” I called out to her.

 

“What's with that face? You have the same look on your face as you did that time when you got caught eating your mother's favorite peanuts,” she giggled.

 

I found myself too stunned to respond at first but figuring it was a dream I went along with her efforts to make this reunion lighthearted.

 

“You haven't changed much, you almost look just as young as back then,” She continued.

 

“Me? You haven't changed much either, your hair’s still just as untamable,” I joked with a smile, in the past I'd always messed with her about her hair.

 

One of her major frustrations had been with her red naturally curly hair and because of her carefree tendencies no matter what she did there was always a hair out of place. Then a few other rebellious strands would break loose and by afternoon her hair was back to being wild. Even her attempts flat iron it were in vain because it'd end up being too humid or start raining. Thus after awhile she said that she stopped caring but I knew she still secretly worried about it so I'd usually point it out and fix it for her.

 

“Look I have my reasons,” she defended also smiling.

 

“Of course, of course. There has to be,” I continued to tease her.

 

“If you had the kind of day I had you wouldn't be worried about it either,” she sassed me.

 

“Try me, I've had a pretty bad day myself,” I confided. Since she was in front of me what happened is the last thing I wanted to talk about but I doubt she could beat me in a sad sob story.

 

“I can't believe you have ​any ​problems, not ‘the guy with everything’,” she mocked.

 

Since middle school our classmates used to mess with me that I had everything, Courtney included, but because everyone assumed we were dating and she'd been bestowed with the grand title of Cinderella.

 

“That's enough, Cinderella,” I taunted. “You know very well that everything in my life is usually not as it appears.” She looked at me for a moment before saying anything.

 

“Okay, okay,” she sighed. “I know already, you don't have to always be so touchy about it,” she said as if to herself, pouting.

 

“I'm not touchy. Since when have I been touchy? I've never been touchy,” I refuted.

 

“Really?” she gave me a look, “then why else do you always get all serious?”

 

“I mean I was just saying,” I said murmuring and she laughed at me.

 

“Sure, keep telling that to yourself,” her voice was dripping with sarcasm as she continued to laugh at me. “Every day is just crappy…” she went on, changing the tone of her voice. “Actually,there is some truth to that,” she amended, going back to her normal voice.

 

“What? Everything isn't all sunshine and rainbows?” I asked, exaggerated while pretending to be shocked. She used to always act as if she was in some type of dream land no matter what was going on.

 

“The bottom line is,” she said ignoring me, “everyday ​is ​crappy and the only thing that can make it better is if you have something to look forward to.”

 

“And if you don't?” I inquired, curious about this theory of hers.

 

“That's when you truly end up feeling like you've had a really crappy day but when you do, you simply tend to not focus on the bad that happened,” she explained.

 

“So what is it that ​you ​look forward to?” I asked.

 

“Getting back into my bed at the end of the day and sleeping,” she answered. After a pause she added, “yeah, without our vices sometimes life is ​really ​crappy. Even with them it can still be pretty bad sometimes.”

 

I knew that was true. No matter who you were you weren't exempt from having a crappy day, crappy week, or a crappy life.

 

“You can have nearly everything and still be miserable,” I agreed with her.

 

“Most people would say if you have everything, or ‘​nearly​’ everything, you shouldn't have any problems,” she told me. “Or at least they would say that the real trouble lies in the fact that you have everything but it’s never enough because you always want more.” I sighed, knowing she was right.

 

I'd experienced mostly three factions of people in my lifetime: those who will go along with whatever you say and those who don't seem to like you simply because you have 'everything', usually assuming that they know your life story. I had come across too many people who had ‘everything’ and were trying to get more. It was because I knew those types of people that I know I’m not one.

 

“Well I can tell you that greed is not my problem. I never felt like I needed to have everything. Even if I do have everything, so what? I never asked for it. I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining but for me I don't need all of that stuff. Because what is the use of being able to have everything except what I actually really wanted?” I admitted sadly.

 

Other people may envy me for my life and the things that I have because ​they​ want those things, they value those things but for me my greatest regret in life ​isn't ​the fact that I didn't value the material things that I had but instead I mourn the fact that I didn't have something to look forward to.

 

My life has been comprised of my struggle to get out of the box that everyone around me tried to put me in. Once I'd realized that I was back in a box, of my own making, I wondered how to get out without everything falling apart around me. In the end one of my greatest fears was hurting someone close to me, again. How could I possibly still have what I wanted and not hurt anyone in the process?

 

“So what is it that you wanted?” she questioned.

 

“Like you said, something to look forward to. I thought I'd found it but I was lying to myself. My life was pointless and I wasn't truly happy I was just going through the motions, pretending just so that I could have a semblance of what I wanted.”

 

“You weren't pretending with me,” she pointed out.

 

“No, I didn't, you were the only person…” I told her.

 

I left off speaking there because I suddenly started feeling cold. It started in my hands then slowly started to spread throughout the rest of my body. As we were talking I’d began to feel a pulling sensation but whatever was happening to me wasn't affecting Courtney nor did she seem to notice what was going on.

 

“Then why did you leave?” she questioned. I opened my mouth to answer her but I never got to because I was enveloped by the darkness again and the only thing I could hear was a faint beeping sound.

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Publication Date: 12-12-2016

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