It Doesn't Happen in a Week by Brandie Hines (important of reading books .txt) 📖

Dear Me, 

These are the steps I been fantasizing about making since I was young and I was aware of my faults. I had to born as an overly analytical person. But I commend you for trying to change things. You dont get thanks enough from me. You first learned makeup and skincare. Now it's time to have the body that matches the face. Remeber even though we are making strides, your emotional strides matter too. Stay strong. Your emotional goal is to be comfortable in your skin. And see yourself as an above average beaut. Don't give up. 

Help me love me,

Winnie

"I DESIRE

AND I CRAVE"

SAPPHO, FRAGMENT 10

I am attention dependent. This wasn't some "growing up my mom ignored me" stuff. My mom gave us the foundation and unconditional love.

I don't know where this stems from. Growing up, I admit I was ugly. Ugly from head to toe. All elementary I rocked my hair back and was sometimes mistaken for a boy.  Middle school I didn't know how to do hair. Better yet let's include high school too. I never hit my glow until well into my freshman year of college.

I always was the last to peak to anything. I was flat chested until around fourteen in high school. My body is flat all around if we are being real. The only thing that seemed to grow was my feet and my height.

I stood in the background as my friends got grade A attention. I got a tiny amount here and there. And thinking about it gives me chills because I was literally handing it to everybody who looked my way.

Allow me to explain where I believe this attention deficit has stemmed from. Since I am not a therapist, I can't say, I can only assume.

Peaches and I were close from high school and inseparable since then. I would sit back and watch as she got to experience her sexuality freely.

I wouldn't say her parents were involved, more like more relaxed about her going out and being a child. Meanwhile at home I was sitting getting berated about college.

Now when she'd tell me a story I would be fake disgusted. That was my number one down fall. I wasn't open to experiencing that.

I thought I was cool for not wanting attention or intimacy. 

I was jealous of Peaches attention. But! I would never tell her that. Because she doesn't get where I'm coming from. She hasn't seen both sides of the fence. I believe I have a right to be angry and jealous.

She was prospering is such an easy way. The beginning of my body image issues. She has curves.  A beautiful face. And unimaginable creative skills. I was just there. In my flat chested glory.

I know! You are not supposed to compare yourself to others. But no matter what anybody tells me! Everybody does it!

Nobody was gonna want me. I lacked athletic skills, an attention grabbing fashion, an eye catching face.

Peaches then moved away. My buffer, my reasoning, my best friend. All that gone over a summer. I was never good at expressing my emotions, but that night I had never felt so alone. Who would be there to hear me complain. That night I would listen to myself cry.

I was alone. All by myself. I was finally soul searching. I regret my soul searching. Honestly.

I realized things about myself. I became self-aware of my flaws. I became a false kind of vain. I called myself cute in people's face and felt another way inside. My friendships became unstable. I became unstable. This was my rebellion. My lost phase of life.

THAT WAS WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE CONTROL AND TURN MY LIFE AROUND!

Right there. Where I was lost the most. Peaches was concerned about her own problems in Arizona.

I couldn't bother her. So in the end: I! Had! Nobody!

My need for attention had grew. Oh how I regret not waiting until a proper beautiful face and a stable self-esteem was established before I started soul searching.

I felt empty majority of my 11th and 12th grade year. So empty. As if there was no soul to find.

My emptiness had turned into a need for somebody to fill it. And everybody around me refused.

I started giving myself reasons.

"It's because my face, acne everywhere."

"It's because my glasses. I look like a granny"

"He won't notice you don't give it a second thought."

I forgot how to care for myself. I forgot to forgive myself for all the faults I pulled on myself.  I forgot to tell myself to stand strong. So therefore I was no longer strong

The overhyping of sex, intimacy, relationships. Need I say more? I wanted it. Just like every non aromatic/asexual person out there! I wanted it!!!

 Dear me,

Do you feel alone?

 Yes. Yes, I do. Very empty too. 

Publication Date: 11-16-2016

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