A Long and Lonely road by Maddy Crate (top android ebook reader TXT) 📖

Mark woke up early the next day and spent the next hour staring at his roommate, whom he had previously thought to be the happiest person he knew.

As he slept his eyebrows furrowed and his nose scrunched up slightly, which was the reaction he always had when he was judging someone. Mark couldn't begin to guess what Jackson was dreaming about, but he didn't look impressed.

Maybe he was judging him. His supposed "best friend" and the rest of the members. What crappy kind of friends couldn't even notice if something was bothering you?

Mark sighed and rolled over to stare up at the ceiling, his earphones playing English music that he didn't even bother comprehending, lettings the deep bass lull him into a state of half consciousness.

All those times when he had held Jacksons hand and he had squeezed back tightly, why was it only now that he realised that his hand had been the only thing anchoring him at the time?

And the times when Mark slung his arm over Jacksons shoulder and the other had leant in, why was it only now that he realised that Jackson needed his warmth more and his understanding, listening ears most?

The times when Mark would throw him a smile when the others weren't looking, one just for Jackson, why couldn't he have known that was when Jackson felt warmest inside?

Times when he pulled Jackson's head off the window of the car and onto his shoulder instead, couldn't he have know that Jackson wasn't asleep and that those time were when Jackson knew someone cared?

And then, one day, the one person who made him happiest, decided that everything he did wasn't good enough. That everything he did wasn't right.

No hand-holding. No side-hugs. No smiles just for Jackson. No shoulders for him to lean on. Just a sense of abandonment, betrayal and inadequacy.

Jackson had always needed, and the one person who he thought would always be there...just wasn't anymore.

- Two Hours Later -

When Jackson woke up, he saw Mark sprawled across his own bed, listening to music. But what caught his attention were the tear tracks and red blotches on his face.

Why had he been crying? What happened? Did-?

Then feelings of dread engulfed him, for there, across the room on the shared desked, definitely not where he had put it last night, was an opened journal, belonging to Jackson.

This was not good. It was so totally and completely not good that Jackson felt the urge to puke creep up on him. 

Mark. He knew Mark. He honestly adored him and knew that Mark would accept him. But he also was certain that after what had happened yesterday he would bring his findings to the others. He's too compassionate to just try and deal with it himself and not make a big deal out of it. Everyone would have been notified and everyone would be made aware of the fact that Jackson hated himself with a burning, fiery passion.

If it was only Mark, he wouldn't have hesitated to explain to him what the entries meant, but the others? No.

They were different. They were some of the closest people to him, but they weren't quite on Mark's level. And no one but Mark would have all of Jackson's belief that he would take care of him.

It made him sad, that even after yesterday, Jackson still fully trusted his roommate. He had figured out that it was a hidden camera and was hurt by the extent that they had gone to, but also noticed that Mark had been the one to say the least (closely followed by YoungJae and BamBam.)

Scared, Jackson pulled himself of his bed and looked at the page Mark had his journal open on.

/God, it hurts. Trying to stop being depressed. The littlest of things will set you off. One small crying session and suddenly every thought you have is pessimistic and downgrading. The little voice in your head constantly brings you back to reality, harshly dragging you into the dark pit of frustration that is life. Things will bring back memories and no one will understand because no one has ever gone through the exact same thing as someone else, even if they can relate to you, the circumstances will always be different./

Running his fingers through his hair, Jackson sighed. Why was he such an dramatic person? Why did he -?

Wait! No! He had written these things because this was a private book and he was allowed to write his inner most feelings in it! What right did he have to read it?

'It was dramatic and you know it. You blew this up out of proportion and now you have everyone thinking you need a psychiatrist. Why must you always cause so much trouble? Don't you know you're wasting everyone's time? You're not worth it.'

And there it was. The little voice. 

Heaving out another sigh, Jackson got dressed and mentally prepared himself for the torture he was so sure today would bring.

He slipped into some sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, allowing people to see his prominent collar bones. His pushed his hair back and shoved a snap-back on. Properly, not backwards. No point in trying to act normal. They all know now.

Jackson walked out of his room (after making sure Mark was okay) and then headed towards the kitchen. No matter how much he hated it, in order to continue working out as hard as he did, he would have to eat.

Completely giving up, he decided cereal was today's choice. If you're gonna eat, why not male the least effort to make something. 

As he was eating, a sleepy Jaebum walked in, saw him, and then walked back out,.going completely unnoticed. He did so for four reasons.

He was sleepy and
He wasn't good with feelings and words in the first place.
It had been decided that all of them would talk to Jackson in the morning and
If anyone had the right to change that into a one-on-one conversation it was Mark Hyung .Not him.

- 1 Hour Later (Jaebum and Jinyoung's room) -

All of the members, aside from Mark and Jackson, were gathered and having a meeting.

"So, I can only assume that the Mark Hyung is talking to Jackson about everything right now, but what are we going to do? How should we show him he is treasured?" Jinyoung spoke to his leader and dongsaengs.

There was an uncomfortable silence before Jinyoung sighed, "Great lot of help you are," leaning his head onto a frustrated Jaebum's shoulder.

YoungJae spoke up, " Maybe we should just show him we accept him how he is. Hold him more often, do more skinship with him. Jackson Hyung likes skinship because it comforts him, remember? He said it once in an interview."

Jinyoung gives him an appraising look and ruffles his hair, proud to have such a thoughtfull dongsaeng.

"So, we just shower him with affection and let him know that we think he's great the way he is?," BamBam nods to himself,"I can do that."

- Meanwhile, in Jackson and Mark's room -

"So...you found out." Jackson says awkwardly and stiffly.

"Yeah..." Mark's voice fades off, already rough from crying previously.

There is a small moment of hesitance and mixed feelings before finally, "I'm sorry."

This startles Jackson. What could sweet, kind Mark possibly be sorry for?

"What for?" He asks, bewildered.

"For not noticing sooner." Mark looks so sad and regretful that Jackson can't help but move to sit next to him.

"You don't need to be sorry, I-" Jackson starts.

"You don't get it, I'm suppossed to be your best friend. I'm suppossed to be there for you no matter what and I should help you with every single obstacle you come across. You should've had someone and I should've been that someone, but I didn't know how much you were hurting. So you continued to hurt. And that's not fair on you." Mark grabs a hold of Jackson and continues to lift off reasons.

Reasons why he should've never have left Jackson alone.
Reasons why he should've been more affectionate to Jackson.
Reasons why he thought Jackson was amazing.
Reasons why Jackson was loved by so many people.
Reasons why Jackson should never feel bad again.

For hours on end Mark talked and talk, trying to convey how much he adored Jackson and how thought that Jackson was the best person ever and how Jackson was so (so, so, so, so) important to him.

And Jackson was slowly starting to believe the things he said. All the things he never thought were true, were said so passionately by the one person who was worth more than all the stars combined, that he couldn't help but believe it himself. 

The next few days were some of Jackson's best. Mark was always with him, to reassure him that Mark thought he was amazing and would never leave.

Of course, Mark had to share the love with other members and do fanservice and skinship with them, but it was obvious to everyone that the 'Markson' couple had gotten even closer then before.

The maknae line were great too, always joking and laughing with him, playing games and so on. There was also a great amount of affection that Jinyoung and BamBam contributed to when Mark wasn't around.

But somewhere, faintly, in the back of his mind where it was starting to fade, the little voice was whispering to him that they still didn't understand.

And when that voice was strongest, Jackson would grab Mark and just cuddle him, or at least have skinship with him in some way.

But then, slowly, the voice got more persistent and Jackson was starting to slip back into his old ways, the ones he had been trying so hard to get out of.

So of course, Mark brought it up. They were in the living room this time, lying on the sofa, a tangle of limbs and blankets.

"You wanna tell me what's wrong?" Mark murmured into Jackson's hair.

"Not...particularly." He snuggled into his Hyung's shoulder, tightening the arm he had Mark's waist.

"It's been bothering you for a while, right?...Maybe, we should explain to the others? Tell them how you feel and, I don't know, just let them know what you're going through." Mark squeezed Jackson back, his deep yet soft voice relaxing Jackson further.

"I have you though, and you understand."

"Yeah, but, I don't think I'm enough-". Mark has a point that he wants to bring out, but Jackson isn't having any of it.

"You're enough. Just don't leave."

"I know I tell you I won't leave you, because I won't, not voluntarily. But I won't be able to be with you all the time. No matter how much I want to." Somewhere along the line, they had both reverted to English.

The familiar language on both their tongues making everything feel so much more intimate to the two. Tangled and caught up