Finding London by Ellie Wade (best pdf ebook reader .txt) 📖

eyes hold a sincerity that makes my stomach flutter.

I lean my face against his chest. “So far, you’re doing a good job in pleading your case.”

His chest vibrates beneath my face with laughter. “Good.”

“Come on, let’s go to my room,” I suggest as I take a step back from him, my body immediately regretting the absence of his warmth.

“Your room?”

“To talk,” I clarify.

He laughs. “Okay. I thought you’d forgiven me awfully quick.”

I grab his hand, entwining my fingers with his, and I lead him the short distance to my bedroom. “I’ve already forgiven you, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk.”

I sit, cross-legged, on my bed. Loïc takes off his shoes and sits across from me.

“So?” I say as a lame attempt to get the conversation going.

“Right.” Loïc sighs, obviously uncomfortable. “I guess it’s probably best for me to tell you everything from the beginning. I don’t know how else to explain my issues, but I think it’s important that you understand them. I need you to know all of it, so you can decide if you want to take the risk and be with me.”

I open my mouth to protest, but he raises his hand to halt me.

“Listen, London, truthfully, I don’t know if it’s in your best interests to be with me. I’ve tried to end it with you multiple times now because of that, but for some reason, I can’t stay away from you. You should know all the details though, and you have to take it all in. You have to listen carefully when I tell you that I’m damaged. I’m broken, maybe irrevocably, and I don’t want to drag you down with me. You need to hear me, so you can decide what’s best for you.”

He looks so serious. Incredible apprehension hides in his expression. I want to tell him that it doesn’t matter what he says. Nothing will change my mind. But I think he needs this. Maybe if he confesses his demons and I choose him anyway, he’ll stop running.

“Okay, tell me everything,” I encourage.

He starts from when he was discovered at the entrance of a fire station. He talks of his parents and grandparents. He runs through every foster home he lived in and the horrors of each one. I have to stop myself from reaching out to hold him as he tells me about his grandparents and how he kept waiting for them to rescue him, but they never did. He tells me about the moment when he was fifteen and he’d had enough, so he ran away with Sarah. Then, he tells me about being homeless with Sarah for over two years and how he lost her. After Sarah’s death, he turned himself into the foster-care system, so he could obtain the proper paperwork he needed to get an ID. Then, he got his GED, and the day he turned eighteen, he joined the Army.

His account is so sad, so incredibly depressing, that it’s hard to fathom that it is real. But looking at his hollow eyes as he recounts the nightmare of his life, I know it is very real.

I understand why Loïc has commitment issues. He’s lost everyone he’s ever loved. I also see the fear residing within him. At twenty-five, he is this strong, masculine force to be reckoned with, but behind the tough exterior, he is a little boy who is afraid of having his heart broken.

Over the past hour, Loïc has told me his entire life’s tale—or at least all the ugly highlights. I’ve listened attentively, and I’ve made a conscious effort not to interrupt him, to let him talk. Just from the little that I know of him, I realize how much courage it took for him to open up like that.

Some of the details I already knew, but most of them were new to me.

He finishes and expectantly looks at me.

I grab his hands in mine. “I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of that. It breaks my heart. I understand why you’re hesitant to continue this thing that we have. I can’t tell you what tomorrow will bring, Loïc. I can’t promise you that we’ll be forever. But I can tell you that I’m more attracted to you than I have been to anyone else in my life. I’m crazy about you, about all of you. I want this to work between us. I want it to be forever, but the only way we’re going to know if it’s real is if we try. The unknown is always scary, but if we end up making it for the long haul, I know it will be worth it.”

“I’m going to hurt you, London. I feel it. A lifetime of issues can’t be fixed overnight. I’m my own worst enemy, and I’m going to ruin you.” His voice breaks. The despair that resonates from him is tangible.

“I don’t care,” I say simply. “You very well might. Yes, there’s a chance that we won’t make it, and my heart will be broken. But, Loïc, there’s also a chance that we will. You’re worth the risk.”

“London…” he pleads.

I shake my head. “No. No more. Do you think that you’re the only one on this planet who’s damaged? You’re not. We all have our issues.”

“I have a flawed heart, London. I don’t know how to love.”

“I don’t believe that for a second. And you know what? My heart is flawed, too. It doesn’t know how to function properly when it doesn’t have you. I need you, Loïc, for however long you can give me. I’m fully aware that you have the potential to obliterate my heart into a million pieces, and I’m okay with that. I’m letting you off the hook right now, releasing you from guilt. I’m going into this with my eyes wide open. I just need you to give us a chance. Please just try. No more running.”

“No more running?”

“Nope.” I shake my head.

Indecision lines his expression before his features relax and settle on acceptance. “Okay,” he sighs.

I take in the significance of that word. “Okay?” I ask as my soul fills with joy. “So, if I lean over and kiss you like crazy, you won’t run away?”

“I can’t run from you anymore, London. It hurts too much.”

He smiles shyly, and I see a sparkle of relief dance behind his eyes. There is something breathtaking about Loïc’s genuine smiles. They’re devastatingly beautiful.

He reaches out, cradling my jaw, and he draws my lips to his. He claims my mouth with his tongue, thoroughly kissing me with passion-filled movements. He salvages my flawed heart with his gentle caresses. With each lingering touch, I can breathe easier. It’s different this time. The kiss is almost reverent. It isn’t rushed with urgency because any moment might be the last before he runs. I can feel the change. This kiss is from a man who’s going to stay.

That thought alone, the scenario where I get to keep Loïc, paired with the deliciousness of his tongue moving against mine make me so aroused with insane need. With my hands laced around his neck, I pull him onto me as I let my body fall to the mattress. I squirm beneath him as he deepens the kiss.

In a frenzy of movements, I try to take off his shirt, desperate to feel his skin. He sits back, and he grabs the base of his shirt before pulling it over his head. I follow suit, and then I make quick work of every article of clothing I’m wearing—which, admittedly, isn’t much—until I’m left naked before him.

His eyes darken, and his gaze leaves a trail of heat with every inch it passes over. He starts to descend toward me.

“Nope. Stop,” I say.

Confusion gleams in his eyes.

“Pants.” I point to his fully clothed bottom half.

He laughs, all husky, and the sound resonates deep within my belly, filling me with warmth, until my entire body is burning for him.

Once we are both fully exposed, I don’t stop him as his lips find passage across my skin, starting with my toes. Loïc’s lips are skilled tools made for maximum pleasure. His kisses vary from soft to firm, dry and wet. They worship, caress, and tease. My heart races in anticipation as he works my body with his glorious mouth from my feet to my neck. My body hums with intense pleasure, the kind that is almost painful, making me so needy for more. He reaches my neck and applies soft nibbles, working up to my ear. He gently pulls my lobe between his teeth, and a jolt of pleasure hits me.

I want him. I want him more than I can remember ever wanting anything in my life. The need is urgent. I splay my hands across his tight ass and move my pelvis to position myself right where I want him.

God, I need him.

“You. Are. So. Fucking. Perfect,” his gruff voice chants, each word a staccato.

His face begins to move back down my body, and I want to scream. I want to feel him inside me. He stops between my legs, opening me. His warm mouth finds me, and I expel a moan of relief, of pleasure. His tongue works me from the outside as his fingers enter me.

I scream his name into the lust-fueled air with a long-suffering sigh of ecstasy. My entire body vibrates in anticipation of what’s to come, and I feel my release rising within me. A slow roll of pleasure courses through me, building, growing in intensity.

His hands grasp under my thighs, pushing me wide, allowing his tongue perfect access. My heart thrums wildly in my chest, and then I’m spiraling, shaking, assaulted with enormous jolts of pleasure. I unabashedly scream out, giving voice to the bliss that fills me.

As the cries of ecstasy racking my body slowly abate, I vaguely register the sound of a foil wrapper ripping.

Loïc kisses his way back up my body. He sucks on the delicate skin of my neck, and I sigh. His lips work across my cheek, and when his mouth meets mine, I feel a true connection as our tongues unite.

This man is meant for me. I will never want another. I wish I could push the pause button on the universe and just feel this moment for a long time, an eternity even. My body is sated, my heart is exploding with love, and my mind is at peace. Loïc is mine forever, and whether or not the notion is reciprocated, it won’t change a thing. There is no negotiating with these sensations threatening to split me open. I pray that Loïc will always be with me because, after him, there could never be another.

I whimper as Loïc enters me. I’ve daydreamed about this event more times than I can remember, and not even my greatest fantasies can compare. This is everything.

Loïc grasps my hands, entwining my fingers through his, as he holds my arms above my head. His thrusts grow in urgency. His eyes lock on mine, dark with desire and need. His skin glistens with a faint sheen of sweat. The moisture seems to showcase his muscles as he moves in me. Staring at him above me, I can’t help but take note again of how immensely drop-dead gorgeous he is. The sight of him alone is a never-ending aphrodisiac.

His pace quickens, and our breathing becomes labored, sporadic. He releases my hands to grab my thighs, holding each one out to