He Fell In Love With His Wife by Edward Payson Roe (best books to read for students TXT) š
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She was puzzled again. āIām sure I donāt dote on self-sacrifice and hard duty
any more than he does, but I canāt tell him that duty is not hard when itās to
him.ā
Jane was given the room over the kitchen which Mrs. Wiggins had occupied, and
the farmhouse soon adopted her into its quiet routine. Holcroftās course
continued to cause Alida a dissatisfaction which she could scarcely define.
He was as kind as ever he had been and even more considerate; he not only
gratified her wishes, but tried to anticipate them, while Janeās complete
subserviency proved that she had been spoken to very plainly.
One day she missed her spelling lesson for the third time, and Alida told her
that she must learn it thoroughly before going out. The child took the book
reluctantly, yet without a word. āThatās a good girl!ā said Alida, wishing to
encourage her. āI was afraid at first you wouldnāt mind me so readily.ā
āHe told me to. Heād fire me out the window if I didnāt mind you.ā
āOh, no! I think heās very kind to you.ā
āWell, heās kind to you, too.ā
āYes, he has always been kind to me,ā said Alida gently and lingeringly, as if
the thought were pleasant to dwell upon.
āSay,ā said Jane, yielding to her curiosity, āhow did you make him so afraid
of you when he donāt like you? He didnāt like mother, but he wasnāt afraid of
her.ā
āWhy do you think he doesnāt like me?ā Alida faltered, turning very pale.
āOh! āCause he looked once jest as he did after motherād been goinā forāā
āThere, be still! You mustnāt speak of such things, or talk to me about Mr.
Holcroft in such a way,ā and she hastily left the kitchen. When in the
solitude of her own room, she gave way to bitter tears. āIs it so plain,ā she
thought, āthat even this ignorant child sees it? And the unhappy change began
the day she came, too. I canāt understand it. We were so happy before; and
he seemed to enjoy being near me and talking to me when his work permitted.
He used to look into my eyes in a way that made me hope and, indeed, feel
almost sure. I receive no more such looks; he seems only trying to do his
duty by me as he promised at first, and acts as if it were all duty, a mere
matter of conscience. Could he have discovered how I felt, and so is taking
this way to remind me that nothing of the kind was in our agreement? Well,
Iāve no reason to complain; I accepted the relation of my own free will, but
itās hard, hard indeed for a woman who loves a man with her whole heart and
soulāand he her husbandāto go on meeting him day after day, yet act as if
she were his mere business partner. But I canāt help myself; my very nature,
as well as a sense of his rights, prevents me from asking more or even showing
that I wish for more. That WOULD be asking for it. But can it be true that
he is positively learning to dislike me? To shrink from me with that strong
repulsion which women feel toward some men? Oh! If that is true, the case is
hopeless; it would kill me. Every effort to win him, even the most delicate
and unobtrusive, would only drive him farther away; the deepest instincts of
his soul would lead him to withdrawāto shun me. If this is true, the time
may come when, so far from my filling his house with comfort, I shall make him
dread to enter it. Oh, oh! My only course is to remember just what I
promised and he expected when he married me, and live up to that.ā
Thus husband and wife reached the same, conclusion and were rendered equally
unhappy.
Chapter XXX. Holcroftās Best Hope
When Holcroft came in to dinner that day the view he had adopted was
confirmed, yet Alidaās manner and appearance began to trouble him. Even to
his rather slow perception, she did not seem so happy as she had been. She
did not meet his eye with her old frank, friendly, and as he had almost hoped,
affectionate, expression; she seemed merely feverishly anxious to do
everything and have all as he wished. Instead of acting with natural ease and
saying what was in her mind without premeditation, a conscious effort was
visible and an apparent solicitude that he should be satisfied. The
inevitable result was that he was more dissatisfied. āSheās doing her best for
me,ā he growled, as he went back to his work, āand it begins to look as if it
might wear her out in time. Confound it! Having everything just so isnāt of
much account when a manās heart-hungry. Iād rather have had one of her old
smiles and gone without my dinner. Well, well; how little a man understands
himself or knows the future! The day I married her I was in mortal dread lest
she should care for me too much and want to be affectionate and all that; and
here I am, discontented and moping because everything has turned out as I then
wished. Donāt see as Iām to blame, either. She had no business to grow so
pretty. Then she looked like a ghost, but now when the color comes into her
cheeks, and her blue eyes sparkle, a man would be a stupid clod if he didnāt
look with all his eyes and feel his heart a-thumping. That she should change
so wasnāt in the bargain; neither was it that she should read aloud in such
sweet tones that a fellowād like to listen to the dictionary; nor that she
should make the house and yard look as they never did before, and, strangest
of all, open my eyes to the fact that apple trees bear flowers as well as
pippins. I canāt even go by a wild posy in the lane without thinking sheād
like it and see in it a sight more than I once could. Iāve been taken in, as
old Jonathan feared,ā he muttered, following out his fancy with a sort of grim
humor. āShe isnāt the woman I thought I was marrying at all, and I aint bound
by my agreementānot in my thoughts, anyhow. Iād have been in a nice scrape
if Iād taken my little affidavit not to think of her or look upon her in any
other light than that of housekeeper and butter maker. Itās a scary thing,
this getting married with a single eye to business. See where I am now!
Hanged if I donāt believe Iām in love with my wife, and, like a thundering
fool, I had to warn her against falling in love with me! Little need of that,
though. She hasnāt been taken in, for Iām the same old chap she married, and
Iād be a mighty mean cuss if I went to her and said, āHere, I want you to do
twice as much, a hundred-fold as much as you agreed to.ā Iād be a fool, too,
for she couldnāt do it unless something drew her toward me just as Iām drawn
toward her.ā
Late in the afternoon he leaned on the handle of his corn plow, and, in the
consciousness of solitude, said aloud: āThings grow clear if you think of them
enough, and the Lord knows I donāt think of much else any more. It isnāt her
good qualities which I say over to myself a hundred times a day, or her
education, or anything of the kind, that draws me; itās she herself. I like
her. Why donāt I say love her, and be honest? Well, itās a fact, and Iāve
got to face it. Here I am, plowing out my corn, and it looks splendid for its
age. I thought if I could stay on the old place, and plant and cultivate and
reap, Iād be more than content, and now I donāt seem to care a rap for the
corn or the farm either, compared with Alida; and I care for her just because
she is Alida and no one else. But the other side of this fact has an ugly
look. Suppose Iām disagreeable to her! When she married me she felt like a
woman drowning; she was ready to take hold of the first hand reached to her
without knowing much about whose hand it was. Well, sheās had time to find
out. She isnāt drawn. Perhaps she feels toward me somewhat as I did toward
Mrs. Mumpson, and she canāt help herself either. Well, well, the bare thought
of it makes my heart lead. Whatās a man to do? What can I do but live up to
my agreement and not torment her any more than I can help with my company?
Thatās the only honest course. Perhaps sheāll get more used to me in time.
She might get sick, and then Iād be so kind and watchful that sheād think the
old fellow wasnāt so bad, after all, But I shanāt give her the comfort of no
end of self-sacrifice in trying to be pleasant and sociable. If sheās foolish
enough to think sheās in my debt she canāt pay it in that way. No, sir! Iāve
got to make the most of it nowāIām bound toābut this business marriage will
never suit me until the white arm I saw in the dairy room is around my neck,
and she looks in my eyes and says, āJames, I guess Iām ready for a longer
marriage ceremony.āā
It was a pity that Alida could not have been among the hazelnut bushes near
and heard him.
He resumed his toil, working late and doggedly. At supper he was very
attentive to Alida, but taciturn and preoccupied; and when the meal was over
he lighted his pipe and strolled out into the moonlight. She longed to follow
him, yet felt it to be more impossible than if she were chained to the floor.
And so the days passed; Holcroft striving with the whole force of his will to
appear absorbed in the farm, and she, with equal effort, to seem occupied and
contented with her household and dairy duties. They did everything for each
other that they could, and yet each thought that the other was acting from a
sense of obligation, and so all the more sedulously veiled their actual
thoughts and feelings from each other. Or course, such mistaken effort only
led to a more complete misunderstanding.
With people of their simplicity and habit of reticence, little of what was in
their hearts appeared on the surface. Neither had time to mope, and their
mutual duties were in a large measure a support and refuge. Of these they
could still speak freely for they pertained to business. Alidaās devotion to
her work was unfeigned for it seemed now her only avenue of approach to her
husband. She watched over the many broods of little chickens with tireless
vigilance. If it were yellow gold, she could not have gathered the butter
from the churn with greater greed. She kept the house immaculate and sought
to develop her cooking into a fine art. She was scrupulous in giving Jane her
lessons and trying to correct her vernacular and manners, but the presence of
the child grew to be a heavier cross every day. She could not blame the girl,
whose misfortune it was to lead incidentally to the change in Holcroftās
manner, yet it was impossible not to associate her with the beginning of that
change. Jane was making decided improvement, and had Alida been happy and at
rest this fact
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