Holiday Romance by Charles Dickens (most read books txt) 📖

on the spot, and signalled for a clergyman and clerk, who came off promptly in a sailing-boat named ‘The Skylark.’ Another great entertainment was then given on board ‘The Beauty,’ in the midst of which the mayor was called out by a messenger. He returned with the news that government had sent down to know whether Capt. Boldheart, in acknowledgment of the great services he had done his country by being a pirate, would consent to be made a lieutenant-colonel. For himself he would have spurned the worthless boon; but his bride wished it, and he consented.

Only one thing further happened before the good ship ‘Family’ was dismissed, with rich presents to all on board. It is painful to record (but such is human nature in some cousins) that Capt. Boldheart’s unmannerly Cousin Tom was actually tied up to receive three dozen with a rope’s end ‘for cheekiness and making game,’ when Capt. Boldheart’s lady begged for him, and he was spared. ‘The Beauty’ then refitted, and the captain and his bride departed for the Indian Ocean to enjoy themselves for evermore.

 

PART IV. - ROMANCE FROM THE PEN OF MISS NETTIE ASHFORD (Aged half-past six.)

 

THERE is a country, which I will show you when I get into maps, where the children have everything their own way. It is a most delightful country to live in. The grown-up people are obliged to obey the children, and are never allowed to sit up to supper, except on their birthdays. The children order them to make jam and jelly and marmalade, and tarts and pies and puddings, and all manner of pastry. If they say they won’t, they are put in the corner till they do. They are sometimes allowed to have some; but when they have some, they generally have powders given them afterwards.

One of the inhabitants of this country, a truly sweet young creature of the name of Mrs. Orange, had the misfortune to be sadly plagued by her numerous family. Her parents required a great deal of looking after, and they had connections and companions who were scarcely ever out of mischief. So Mrs. Orange said to herself, ‘I really cannot be troubled with these torments any longer: I must put them all to school.’

Mrs. Orange took off her pinafore, and dressed herself very nicely, and took up her baby, and went out to call upon another lady of the name of Mrs. Lemon, who kept a preparatory establishment. Mrs. Orange stood upon the scraper to pull at the bell, and give a ring-ting-ting.

Mrs. Lemon’s neat little housemaid, pulling up her socks as she came along the passage, answered the ring-ting-ting.

‘Good-morning,’ said Mrs. Orange. ‘Fine day. How do you do? Mrs. Lemon at home!’

‘Yes, ma’am.’

‘Will you say Mrs. Orange and baby?’

‘Yes, ma’am. Walk in.’

Mrs. Orange’s baby was a very fine one, and real wax all over. Mrs. Lemon’s baby was leather and bran. However, when Mrs. Lemon came into the drawing-room with her baby in her arms, Mrs. Orange said politely, ‘Good-morning. Fine day. How do you do? And how is little Tootleumboots?’

‘Well, she is but poorly. Cutting her teeth, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon.

‘O, indeed, ma’am!’ said Mrs. Orange. ‘No fits, I hope?’

‘No, ma’am.’

‘How many teeth has she, ma’am?’

‘Five, ma’am.’

‘My Emilia, ma’am, has eight,’ said Mrs. Orange. ‘Shall we lay them on the mantelpiece side by side, while we converse?’

‘By all means, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon. ‘Hem!’

‘The first question is, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange, ‘I don’t bore you?’

‘Not in the least, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon. ‘Far from it, I assure you.’

‘Then pray HAVE you,’ said Mrs. Orange, - ‘HAVE you any vacancies?’

‘Yes, ma’am. How many might you require?’

‘Why, the truth is, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange, ‘I have come to the conclusion that my children,’ - O, I forgot to say that they call the grown-up people children in that country! - ‘that my children are getting positively too much for me. Let me see. Two parents, two intimate friends of theirs, one godfather, two godmothers, and an aunt. HAVE you as many as eight vacancies?’

‘I have just eight, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon.

‘Most fortunate! Terms moderate, I think?’

‘Very moderate, ma’am.’

‘Diet good, I believe?’

‘Excellent, ma’am.’

‘Unlimited?’

‘Unlimited.’

‘Most satisfactory! Corporal punishment dispensed with?’

‘Why, we do occasionally shake,’ said Mrs. Lemon, ‘and we have slapped. But only in extreme cases.’

‘COULD I, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange, - ‘COULD I see the establishment?’

‘With the greatest of pleasure, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon.

Mrs. Lemon took Mrs. Orange into the schoolroom, where there were a number of pupils. ‘Stand up, children,’ said Mrs. Lemon; and they all stood up.

Mrs. Orange whispered to Mrs. Lemon, ‘There is a pale, bald child, with red whiskers, in disgrace. Might I ask what he has done?’

‘Come here, White,’ said Mrs. Lemon, ‘and tell this lady what you have been doing.’

‘Betting on horses,’ said White sulkily.

‘Are you sorry for it, you naughty child?’ said Mrs. Lemon.

‘No,’ said White. ‘Sorry to lose, but shouldn’t be sorry to win.’

‘There’s a vicious boy for you, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon. ‘Go along with you, sir. This is Brown, Mrs. Orange. O, a sad case, Brown’s! Never knows when he has had enough. Greedy. How is your gout, sir?’

‘Bad,’ said Brown.

‘What else can you expect?’ said Mrs. Lemon. ‘Your stomach is the size of two. Go and take exercise directly. Mrs. Black, come here to me. Now, here is a child, Mrs. Orange, ma’am, who is always at play. She can’t be kept at home a single day together; always gadding about and spoiling her clothes. Play, play, play, play, from morning to night, and to morning again. How can she expect to improve?’

‘Don’t expect to improve,’ sulked Mrs. Black. ‘Don’t want to.’

‘There is a specimen of her temper, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon. ‘To see her when she is tearing about, neglecting everything else, you would suppose her to be at least good-humoured. But bless you! ma’am, she is as pert and flouncing a minx as ever you met with in all your days!’

‘You must have a great deal of trouble with them, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange.

‘Ah, I have, indeed, ma’am!’ said Mrs. Lemon. ‘What with their tempers, what with their quarrels, what with their never knowing what’s good for them, and what with their always wanting to domineer, deliver me from these unreasonable children!’

‘Well, I wish you good-morning, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange.

‘Well, I wish you good-morning, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon.

So Mrs. Orange took up her baby and went home, and told the family that plagued her so that they were all going to be sent to school. They said they didn’t want to go to school; but she packed up their boxes, and packed them off.

‘O dear me, dear me! Rest and be thankful!’ said Mrs. Orange, throwing herself back in her little arm-chair. ‘Those troublesome troubles are got rid of, please the pigs!’

Just then another lady, named Mrs. Alicumpaine, came calling at the street-door with a ring-ting-ting.

‘My dear Mrs. Alicumpaine,’ said Mrs. Orange, ‘how do you do? Pray stay to dinner. We have but a simple joint of sweet-stuff, followed by a plain dish of bread and treacle; but, if you will take us as you find us, it will be SO kind!’

‘Don’t mention it,’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine. ‘I shall be too glad. But what do you think I have come for, ma’am? Guess, ma’am.’

‘I really cannot guess, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange.

‘Why, I am going to have a small juvenile party to-night,’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine; ‘and if you and Mr. Orange and baby would but join us, we should be complete.’

‘More than charmed, I am sure!’ said Mrs. Orange.

‘So kind of you!’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine. ‘But I hope the children won’t bore you?’

‘Dear things! Not at all,’ said Mrs. Orange. ‘I dote upon them.’

Mr. Orange here came home from the city; and he came, too, with a ring-ting-ting.

‘James love,’ said Mrs. Orange, ‘you look tired. What has been doing in the city to-day?’

‘Trap, bat, and ball, my dear,’ said Mr. Orange, ‘and it knocks a man up.’

‘That dreadfully anxious city, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange to Mrs. Alicumpaine; ‘so wearing, is it not?’

‘O, so trying!’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine. ‘John has lately been speculating in the peg-top ring; and I often say to him at night, “John, IS the result worth the wear and tear?”’

Dinner was ready by this time: so they sat down to dinner; and while Mr. Orange carved the joint of sweet-stuff, he said, ‘It’s a poor heart that never rejoices. Jane, go down to the cellar, and fetch a bottle of the Upest ginger-beer.’

At tea-time, Mr. and Mrs. Orange, and baby, and Mrs. Alicumpaine went off to Mrs. Alicumpaine’s house. The children had not come yet; but the ball-room was ready for them, decorated with paper flowers.

‘How very sweet!’ said Mrs. Orange. ‘The dear things! How pleased they will be!’

‘I don’t care for children myself,’ said Mr. Orange, gaping.

‘Not for girls?’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine. ‘Come! you care for girls?’

Mr. Orange shook his head, and gaped again. ‘Frivolous and vain, ma’am.’

‘My dear James,’ cried Mrs. Orange, who had been peeping about, ‘do look here. Here’s the supper for the darlings, ready laid in the room behind the folding-doors. Here’s their little pickled salmon, I do declare! And here’s their little salad, and their little roast beef and fowls, and their little pastry, and their wee, wee, wee champagne!’

‘Yes, I thought it best, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine, ‘that they should have their supper by themselves. Our table is in the corner here, where the gentlemen can have their wineglass of negus, and their egg-sandwich, and their quiet game at beggar-my-neighbour, and look on. As for us, ma’am, we shall have quite enough to do to manage the company.’

‘O, indeed, you may say so! Quite enough, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange.

The company began to come. The first of them was a stout boy, with a white top-knot and spectacles. The housemaid brought him in and said, ‘Compliments, and at what time was he to be fetched!’ Mrs. Alicumpaine said, ‘Not a moment later than ten. How do you do, sir? Go and sit down.’ Then a number of other children came; boys by themselves, and girls by themselves, and boys and girls together. They didn’t behave at all well. Some of them looked through quizzing-glasses at others, and said, ‘Who are those? Don’t know them.’ Some of them looked through quizzing-glasses at others, and said, ‘How do?’ Some of them had cups of tea or coffee handed to them by others, and said, ‘Thanks; much!’ A good many boys stood about, and felt their shirt-collars. Four tiresome fat boys WOULD stand in the doorway, and talk about the newspapers, till Mrs. Alicumpaine went to them and said, ‘My dears, I really cannot allow you to prevent people from coming in. I shall be truly sorry to do it; but, if you put yourself in everybody’s way, I must positively send you home.’ One boy, with a beard and a large white waistcoat, who stood straddling on the hearth-rug warming his coat-tails, WAS sent home. ‘Highly incorrect, my dear,’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine, handing him out of the room, ‘and I cannot permit it.’

There was a children’s band, - harp, cornet, and piano, - and Mrs. Alicumpaine and Mrs. Orange bustled among the children to persuade them to take partners and dance. But they were so obstinate! For quite a long time they would not be persuaded to take partners and dance. Most of the boys said, ‘Thanks; much! But not at present.’ And most of the rest of the boys said, ‘Thanks; much! But never