How to Talk to Anyone (Junior Talker #4) by DeYtH Banger (top business books of all time TXT) đ
- Author: DeYtH Banger
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The outrage that followed was so strong that the next day, the paperâs editor-in-chief Katherine Krueger penned a column explaining her decision to run the letter. Krueger described Hooksteadâs opinions as âmorally repugnant,â âoffensive,â âhorrifically misguided,â ârepellent,â âhateful,â âugly,â and âreprehensible.â She also assured readers that the letter was published âafter careful deliberation and debateâ with other editors, in order to shine the light of day on such hideous ideas and allow them to be âtorn limb from limb.â Indeed, Krueger asserted that the letter itself was evidence that ârape culture is alive, well and thriving on the University of Wisconsin campus.â
In this atmosphere, itâs hardly surprising that a debate held at Brown University (Providence, Rhode Island) in November 2014 between feminist author Jessica Valenti and individualist feminist Wendy McElroy, who is critical of the concept of ârape culture,â drew impassioned protests from students upset that McElroy would be allowed to present her point of view. While the school scheduled an alternative lecture on âthe rape cultureâ in the same time slot and provided a âsafe spaceâ counseling session for students traumatized by the debate, many activists were still unhappy that the event was taking place: according to Undergraduate Council of Students president Maahika Srinivasan, it meant âbacktracking from the forward direction that weâve been moving in.â
At least on that occasion, the campus newspaper, The Brown Daily Herald, backed free speech.In April 2015, when Georgetown University College Republicans in Washington, DC invited contrarian feminist author Christina Hoff Sommersâââa critic of the concept of ârape cultureââââto speak, the campus daily, The Hoya, published an editorial asserting that â[b]y giving Sommers a platform, GUCR has knowingly endorsed a harmful conversation on the serious topic of sexual assault.â According to the editorial, âRape culture is a system that thrives on silence. Students cannot allow Georgetownâs sexual assault discourse to be subdued by those who would downplay the problem at hand.â
Of course, discourse can hardly be âsubduedâ by a speaker with a differing viewpoint. But given how much ârape cultureâ rhetoric relies on misinformation and distortion, it is hardly surprising that its proponents would seek to silence debate. It is all the more imperative for those with a commitment to facts and freedom to challenge this narrative.
How To Never Run Out Of Things To Say In Conversation
Youâre talking, conversation is flowing nicely, and you feel like youâre really starting to form a connection with this personâŠ
But what happens when after 10 minutes, that dreaded moment rears itâs head?
The awkward silence!
What should you do when you feel like a particular conversational topic has expired? And how do you never run out of things to say so you keep people engaged and interested?
Well, letâs take a step back to understand the awkward silenceâŠ
Who does the awkward silence seem to occur most with: strangers or friends? Undoubtedly, strangers. But why? Youâd think there would be so much more interesting ground to cover with strangers. With friends, you know how they feel about the most important topics. Youâre left with just random stuff that pops into your head. Yet you still can find yourselves talking for hours in a stream of unrelated randomness. Without any sort of agenda, conversation just flows.
This is exactly the point. When you feel like youâve run out of things to say with strangers, you havenât actually run out of things to say. Youâve simply run out of things that have passed your internal filter of âgood enough to say to a stranger!â
This is why you can talk for hours nothing with people you know well. Why you can turn a conversation about ânothingâ into something you both really cherish. Itâs not just because you have common interests. It is because neither of you has a very high threshold for what is âgood enoughâ to say. If something pops into your head, you blurt it out.
This is also why it is much easier to speak to people when youâve had a few drinks. Itâs not that youâve suddenly become more clever or interesting (sorry to burst your bubble!) Itâs that youâve lowered your inhibitions. You say what comes to your mind without thinking if it is âgood enoughâ to vocalize.
The key here is that you are not anticipating too far ahead. You need to trust yourself to adapt on the fly. You need to remove the filter.
Here is an example of âremoving the filterâ to apply in your own life
I was working with a client who was also working with a personal trainer. She recounted a story from the day she met him.
âHe asked me, âSo whatâs your story?â and I was just so taken aback. Itâs such a big question. I didnât even know where to start. So I just mumbled something awkwardly and then got quiet.â
âWell what was going through your head?â
âNothing.â
âNo thatâs not true. Something was going through your head. You just didnât think it was good enough to say. So what was your thought process?â
âI guess, âOh wow this is awkward. I canât even answer a simple question about my life! Now he probably thinks I am a weirdoâŠââ
âGreat! Use that.â
âWhat do you mean?â
âI mean imagine what would have happened if youâd dropped the filter and said that to him. What would it have gone like?â
âWell I suppose I would have said, âOh wow this is awkward. I canât even answer a simple question about my life! Now you probably think I am a weirdoâŠâ
âAnd what would he have done?â
âLaughed probably. And clarified his question.â
âExactly! The point is that what you are thinking is always good enough â at least better than saying nothing because you only want to sound super clever all the time.â
The difficulty for everyoneâmy client, you, the best conversationalist on the planetâis not in coming up with something to say. It is in getting in touch with your thoughts and trusting yourself enough to simply state them. Will they always paint you as a genius? Certainly not! But by speaking, youâve given both you and the person with whom youâre speaking a starting point. Now you have some Velcro hooks which either of you can latch onto.
So for example, the other day I was out speaking with a girl at a club. I didnât have anything to say, but I noticed that she had a very genuine smile whenever she spoke to people. So I told her what was going through my head:
âYou know you have such a genuine smile? It makes you look like a first grade teacher. I feel like I just want you to read me a picture book.â
When you remove the filter, what you say will rarely be brilliant. But it will provide you with enough âhooksâ to start to restart conversation.
Note: if youâre absolutely stumped, I find a great way to start or restart a halting conversation is to simply say, âSo whatâs your story?â
Play âReminds me ofâŠâ to re-spark dying conversation
So once youâve cleared the filter, the goal is to drive conversation back to something that is fun or fascinating to both of you.
You donât want to be trapped with just sticking to the literal words at hand. So if weâre talking about the weather today, I shouldnât be limited to just talking about the weather this week. I want to be able to make conversational leaps.
One of the best tools to do this is, âReminds me of.â
âReminds me ofâ consists of thinking not just linearly (i.e. weather today > weather this week) but in larger leaps (i.e. weather today > gorgeous weather > the vacation I took last year to Costa Rica when it was sunny and then poured on us as we hiked up a mountain.)
âReminds me ofâ can also be used to re-spark conversation with someone to whom youâve already spoken. For instance, last night I was out at a bar with an extended group of friends. I was standing watching a drummer play a solo. Weâd already exchanged pleasantries so I didnât have any questions to ask many of the people. Still, to re-spark conversation, all I had to say was:
âThis guy is amazing. He reminds me of Travis Barker from 182.â
Or:
âThis club is so cool. It reminds me of a 1920âs speakeasy mixed with a rave.â
Use âreminds me ofâ in conjunction with the fun and values modes of conversation to rekindle any conversation and move it in a direction that will keep people captivated. Itâs also a fantastic tool for connecting with someone with whom you may not have much in common because it allows you to trade stories based on whatever is happening around you.
A Hidden Cause Of Suffering
I just got back from lunch with my brother.
We havenât spoken for a while, so we played a lot of catch up. âHowâs so-and-so doing?â we asked about a dozen times.
He told me the story of one of those so-and-soâsâŠ
A friend of his who wanted to take his girlfriend out for her birthday. So he set up a nice trip to ski in California.
My brother was under the impression it was an amazing trip. All the Snapchatâs were full of smiles on the slopes and glasses of red wine at fancy restaurants.
When his friend got back, my brother asked about the trip.
His friend replied, âIt was so hard manâŠâ
âShe nearly made me cry. She couldnât believe I took her away from home on her birthday. She said it was the worst birthday she ever had.â
The friend kept talking and telling how they fight all the time, despite what social media would lead you to believe. My brother asked if theyâd break up. And thatâs when he got the real kicker:
âActually weâre planning on moving in together next month.â
When I hear stories like this, one word rings in my head. One word that I believe describes the number one reason for anguish in modern America.
Addiction.
And I donât just mean addiction to drugs or alcohol, which is how we tend to think of addictionâŠ
I mean the girl so addicted to social validation that she fakes a happier lifestyle than she livesâŠ
I mean the friend so addicted to his relationship that he would rather move in with someone who treats him badly than be aloneâŠ
Both of them addicted to a compulsive behavior that THEY KNOW makes them unhappy. Yet they donât stop.
Can you think of anything in your own life that follows that pattern? Hereâs a few examples:
Addiction to status keeping you in a job that you hate Addiction to outrage keeping you watching the news and complaining about it, while taking no action to actually change things Addiction to a relationship keeping you with someone that you know isnât right for you Addiction to social media keeping you in a constant state of FOMO
Note: Enough of filtering words in conversation and enough of being nice.... it's time for to be carefree.
Chapter 3 - BE OFFENDED
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